exhaustedanonymous
everything that lives is gone to waste
- Nov 14, 2022
- 136
for some reason, i diced my hip up today. it's not that bad which just makes me more frustrated but i don't really understand why i did it, or why i'm still doing it, because right as i'm fine my body just.. picks up the blade again. i have control over myself, but at the same time, i don't. i feel like i'm copiloting.
i was saving money when i was with my ex to buy her designer jewelry from this one place she really liked and although it's not exceptionally much, it's a chunk of cash. but i think i have to use it for ctb purposes and that's sort of breaking my heart. it's not like i'd ever get the chance to spend it on her like how i even still want too but the idea of using what i saved for her on killing myself is hard.
i can't tell these days if i'm lost from reality, completely in my head, or insanely emotional. i might be going insane but maybe i'm not. i'm fine one second and then i'm not. when i found sources i was genuinely smiling and i felt so relieved and when i was researching i was alm and focused but now i'm panicked and in pain and still dead set on doing it. no matter what mental state i'm suicide always seems to be the only thing i can go too. right now i don't want to do it but i think it's my best option and i just want to stop suffering but i know earlier it was genuinely the only thing i could do and then at a different time earlier i knew i could keep living if i wanted too but i wanted to commit out of free will.
i dont know what's wrong with me. another three psychologists told me they couldn't accept me as a patient and i think i might just be screwed. i want to go somewhere warm with someone who likes me and just wrap myself in their arms and cry and then sleep and be warm and comforted.
i was saving money when i was with my ex to buy her designer jewelry from this one place she really liked and although it's not exceptionally much, it's a chunk of cash. but i think i have to use it for ctb purposes and that's sort of breaking my heart. it's not like i'd ever get the chance to spend it on her like how i even still want too but the idea of using what i saved for her on killing myself is hard.
i can't tell these days if i'm lost from reality, completely in my head, or insanely emotional. i might be going insane but maybe i'm not. i'm fine one second and then i'm not. when i found sources i was genuinely smiling and i felt so relieved and when i was researching i was alm and focused but now i'm panicked and in pain and still dead set on doing it. no matter what mental state i'm suicide always seems to be the only thing i can go too. right now i don't want to do it but i think it's my best option and i just want to stop suffering but i know earlier it was genuinely the only thing i could do and then at a different time earlier i knew i could keep living if i wanted too but i wanted to commit out of free will.
i dont know what's wrong with me. another three psychologists told me they couldn't accept me as a patient and i think i might just be screwed. i want to go somewhere warm with someone who likes me and just wrap myself in their arms and cry and then sleep and be warm and comforted.
