eggsausagerice
last chance for cake! š°āļø he/him
- Apr 21, 2025
- 1,604
i don't know. sometimes i think about it. my mom would honestly be happy if she never gave birth to me because she always talks about how much money everything costs and how she doesn't want to spend her life working. i'm kind of the least motivated person in the family and i never bothered doing anything with my life because i was so depressed. i have my high school diploma but i dropped out of community college because i was going to kill myself last summer. for most of my life i wished that they would get divorced because my mom always acted like she hated by dad but stayed with him because she would be lonely. and being around them just puts a lot of strain on me mentally. i wish i could just explain to people that being born as my parents' son is inherently stressful and that i'm constantly anxious if i'm in the house because i don't know when my mom is going to get mad and yell about how much she hates her life or being married.
my sister doesn't care. she doesn't want to hear about it because it suddenly isn't her problem anymore after she got to move away for the summer for her stupid internship. she'll be away from home when i kill myself, so my dad will probably have to text her that i died and they need to do a funeral for me. i don't think about what'll happen to me much once i die, i'm just afraid of being in pain once it's happening for real. one of the things that lead to me having strained relationships with people is them having a good relationship with their parents and not understanding what it's like to be afraid of your parents or not understanding why they gave birth to you if they hate you.
of course, i still have a proportionally better relationship than my parents compared to others because they're fine with me buying useless stuff online for my hobbies and they don't yell at me as much as they used to. but i still feel like me killing myself would make me less of a burden than me staying alive when i'm too depressed and anxious to do anything with my life than be bedridden and play video games. when i hear my mom's voice through the walls i just think about how she could've put me up for adoption. i might've been happier if she did that, because it's so obvious she was never prepared to raise me or my other siblings. i don't have any excuses for being the way i am. i don't try to act like the way i am is allowed or okay, i know i'm wasting away and that i deserve to be embarrassed that i don't even know how to take care of myself.
i wish that my sister could understand why i'm the way i am a little more. she thinks that i shouldn't get so angry at my mom even though i'm the one that's around my mom more. my sister tries to tell my mom to stop talking down to me or making me uncomfortable, but i know it's no use when my mom's been calling me her baby since i was young. she says it over and over, regardless of if we're at home, in public, or around other people. when one of my friends met my mom by accident since it was my parent's wedding anniversary, he said that my mom was being weird. i told him that it was the reason i never talk about her to anyone. she's offputting and makes people uncomfortable. she never leaves the house to do anything, but she knows she isn't liked. i had to buy an automatic feeder for our cat because i was tired of fighting with her about how she's overfeeding him. she would just laugh and say it's not that serious when she could kill our cat by overfilling his bowl.
everyone in my family has some sort of issue, but it feels lonely knowing that i'm the only one that's going to kill themselves because my life is going so badly. i feel like i've manifested this happening to me because i've spent a big part of my life lashing out at people and isolating myself because i don't know how to be around people. i don't know how my sister knows how to make friends and keep on living. she's always known how to fit in, so i guess her friends and life goals encouraged her to keep on going. some days i wish that i could be her instead of me, even if i like myself. i forget that i'm even going to kill myself or that my life makes me miserable until i remember something painful or how jealous i feel of people that are happier than me. i don't want to think about people being happy and how me talking about my life honestly would make them uncomfortable or sad because they wouldn't understand what it's like. for most of my life i've felt like the people i "get along with" would get along with someone else better, because there's just something wrong with me. no matter how much i'm trying to not be my mom i still act like her when i need to cope. sometimes i just want to know what it's like to have my parents say they're proud of me. they just think i'm a loser. it hurts to imagine it because there isn't anything i do or can do that would make them proud.
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