I suppose I've creeped long enough. I'm really not sure where to start because I'm just a little clouded from all the benadryl I took. No, it was not an attempt. Just needed to sedate myself for some well deserved sleep.
The only thing that is stopping me right now is my inability (the download isn't working for the Dec2017 PDF on PPeH) to access the information needed to purchase N.
/rant
But I suppose I could rant here and maybe provoke some comments. I have confided in several people that I may or may not take my life, only because I feel like they deserve to have me a little while longer, even if it's not the best me. I just want to know why people are so adamant on being "pro-life." I've always been suicidal, probably since I was 13, I just recently turned 27 and I've realized how my life is not as meaningful as I've tried to make it to be. The only reason why I have not taken it sooner is because I was in countless relationships trying to find a reason for tomorrow. But, here I am again alone. I realize that it's not the answer, you can't find purpose in someone else. People are programmed to be selfish and only care for themselves and what they want. So I want this time to be about me and for me to be able to take what I want when I want to. The people around me don't understand why I want to take my life. They are telling me "the sun will rise again tomorrow," well obviously, unless my death impedes the earths capability of rotating, i'm pretty sure it will. I understand the gesture a lot, I truly do. They're being selfish because they don't want to face the fact that someone close to them will depart.But i find it wild that I can't get over that hump and I'm afraid of hurting them more than death that will consume me.
But what happened yesterday?
The second you tell somebody you want to die, they're all like "Oh no, life is beautiful, you have so much to live for -- blah. blah. blah." I know that, I know life is wonderful and all the unicorns and rainbows. However, it's not for me. I don't want it. I am tired. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. After years of abuse and I'm talking years of abuse from friends, families, lovers, teachers, professors, and XYZ and the other. It's taxing. I tried to help out much as I could until I decide to go. It's like, I can't donate blood anymore, my body won't let me. I donate my hair already, children with cancer can have my hair. My organs are useless, because let's be fair. Why not give the girl who never smoked, did drugs or anything, have a bunch of things wrong with her. Oh, and we can't figure out why new things keep happening. I just want people to understand that this is a decision I want to make and not feel guilty about it. Why is it so hard to not guilt trip someone? I've spent years being as selfless as I possibly good. All I'm asking is let me take one selfish act and you guys live on with my memories. The good, the bad and the ugly.
Here I am now, typing this, doing my quizzes that are due next week, talking to my brother who wants to tell me otherwise about living. All nonchalantly. If this isn't an apparent sign that I'm tired and it's time to go, then I don't know what is. This isn't a plea to live, this isn't a plea for attention or gratification. I just want the people around me to understand that once I go, it'll be ok. The world will turn again. Just November, I heard of a friend who went by shotgun. I was deeply saddened, but a part of me was extremely jealous. He had access to what I couldn't have. Now I'm trying to get access to N because I want to be able to go in the way that was always running from me; sleep.
I suppose all I'm doing now is waiting to be able to contact A to get N and then work on an exit strategy. I just want to know how you guys plan on telling loved ones? How do you get them to stop making it about them and make them realize that it was your time to go? What goes through your mind when they come up? I redrafted my letter at least a dozen time, but each time it doesn't leave a sense of closure. Just more questions. It frustrates the hell out of me
/rantover