Hate this. Before covid i had finally come off my antidepressants, weaned myself off booze (alcoholic for 5 years) and finally quit smoking weed/fags after a cancer scare. During the first couple of weeks of lockdown i was the healthiest i had been for years, exercising, eating well, being mega-positive etc... but During covid i developed LPR/GERD which has got worse and worse. I am now on horrid meds, mega-restrictive diet, suffering from crippling anxiety, insomnia and suicidal depression and have no hope. Just as things are starting to open up for everyone else, all the things i was looking forward to are denied to me. Cant have a coffee with a friend, go to the pub for a pint, get takeout, go for a skate or even do a physical job (i used to do gardening, painting, and other physical stuff). I got clean, sober and healthy. Now am in hell. Fuck you life. I fucking tried. I sorted myself out finally.
...... aaand now I am on head-meds that make my appetite huge....but to in order to 'manage' my condition, i need to eat small amounts, never feel full and stick to bland veg etc. Cant hack it and frequently fail...as eating something ordinary makes me feel Normal for a few minutes. Also the head-meds make my disease worse.
It is a waking nightmare and I have had enough. The days i am planning my CTB are the only ones that end in any amounts of actual sleep. When i am trying to face my new normal, the anxiety smashes me into sleeplessness. Cant even sleep during the day cos i need a totally empty stomach before lying down. When asleep and the acid rises in my chest, it feels like pure horror/terror/panic x100. shitscared but have decided to go down the hanging route as i have no way to access other methods. This is no life. I had a good one before it all went to shit. I cant believe this has happened to me. I was a decent bloke. Now i am pain and anger. Fuck you life. I fucking tried.
