Random thoughts

[TheSoulless]

Fuck I don't know anything

 

[silent staring void]

Sorry if this is inappropriate but I'm having a good day and I'm doing well in therapy and I might not want to kill myself :^)
For now

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I wish less sweet icecream flavors were more readily available. I would love to dig into a coffee flavored icecream that had same bitter punch as black coffee but with the smooth creaminess of icecream. Or a lemon flavored icecream that's so lemony that my face puckers and not some saccharine parody of lemon flavor. Or a nice sharp mint that is curbed only by the natural sweetness in the milk. The closest I've found is hagen daaz's green tea flavor, which is still fairly sweet but in a nicely muted way that compliments the tea flavor nicely. Even just plain milk flavor without any added sugar might be interesting. Dammit, i want an icecream maker.

 

[waived]

You know when socialites attempt to convince you that they're actually introverts because they think that as an introvert you are so irrelevant and dumb that you are susceptible to children's magic tricks.

 

[kinzokukae]

I'm hearing voices, what the fuck's that sound?
I'm going through problems I shouldn't talk about
I'm thinking it's over but, shit, I'll ride it out

I'm not comfortable
No, I just can't seem to feel at all
I'm not comfortable
So, I'll take another pharmaceutical
'Cause I'm uncomfortable
I'm uncomfortable
Girl, I'm uncomfortable

 

[TheSoulless]

Summer smells nice. Like really nice. Comforting, soothing. If there's an afterlife, I hope it's like that.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I'm watching the Spanish adaptation of Breaking Bad. The formerly ethnic minority car wash owner is now a white guy. I don't know why that made me laugh. I suppose I was expecting an all Hispanic/Latino cast and then there was a random white guy. Anyway, very interested in seeing how this pans out.

 

[ForensicallyAware]

I guess you were right when we talked in the heat
There's no room for the weak no room for the weak
Where will it end?

 

[Morphinekiss]

I lied when you asked how I was.

It's the kind of loneliness that makes your heart stop.

did I really schedule that for the anniversary of his death? Fuck me.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

The "real men don't cry" thing fucks men up crying is a release. Not entirely sure what it releases, but it feels good. Men need that feel good thing. A good decad might have actually passed since I cried.
It's like a face constipation now - I can maybe get a couple tears out, but nothing beyond that, and I feel the shit that's released by crying pile up.
I need to cry, but I forgot how.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I'm dreading interviewing again. Not sure how to explain the 6 month gap on my resume. But I'm broke. If only my project was in a presentable state. Sigh. Maybe if I churn code for a week I can get the bare minimum scraped together. But maybe I'm looking for an excuse to put off job hunting another week. Fuck if I know.

 

[NomadicWolf382]

I often wonder about my first suicide attempt close to 17 years ago. If everything I have experienced since that is nothing more than a Nightmare, and I am still laying in the hospital bed, either desperately trying to wake up from a coma, or on the edge of finally finding peace. Time passes very differently in dreams. Sometimes things that seem like they're going on for a few minutes, last hours in real time, and things that feel like they are forever, are mere moments. Either that or I was successful and in my own personal hell. I really want to believe this, but is very improbable.

 

[ForensicallyAware]

Why why why do I think of NOTHING but the distant past???

 

[NomadicWolf382]

Why why why do I think of NOTHING but the distant past???

Have the same problem, so I can relate. Stuck in a constant loop of remembering irrelevant @&$! from the past that doesn't apply to the present with no real means of escape. It's at times very draining, and annoying as @&$!.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I wonder if my parents are spying on my phone usage. My mom texted me in Spanish the other day. Which never happens. Coincidentally, I've been making efforts to relearn the language. We haven't been a Spanish dominant household since I was 5 or 6. I wouldn't put it beyond their ambition to spy on me, but it might be a bit beyond their technical knowledge.

 

[NomadicWolf382]

Better to fade away as a person who although faced adversary and tragedy in their life, will at least be remembered positively in memory; than to be remembered as a boogeyman to frighten future generations. :(

*edit This random thought has to do with my kids. I currently do not have custody of any of them. Particularly with my parents, there was a lot of stuff that should not of happened, but was powerless or unable to do anything since I was living there with my kids at the time. The end result was me eventually losing custody to them, due to my mother taking advantage of the situation and me becoming nothing but a mere presence in the same house. It hurts me to this day that although I have been present in at least two of my kids lives since they were born, I never truly was able to be a dad in their lives.

 

[ForensicallyAware]

Hell can't be worse than this place

 

[Morphinekiss]

Why did you leave me alone the way you did? Your death has left me terrified of forming attachments and being abandoned again for 21 fucking years.

 

[Lorntroubles]

Re-living and re-living and re-living!

 

[TheSoulless]

I have to leave for our summer cottage with my family. I don't know how long it will be, but it's at least two weeks.

I wrote in another thread that I will probably die from stress if I don't ctb. Well, that time seems to be soon! Goodbye – my decomposing corpse will take over this account before summer is over!

 

[omoidarui]

i hate it when people vent about their friends not giving them enough attention

i nvr say this because i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings and situations vary but basically just because u consider someone ur friend doesn't mean they are obliged to you or owe you anything, if you were chill with that fact maybe they'd want to be around you more anyway

 

[ForensicallyAware]

Some people just wanna watch the world burn
I'm one of them
The human beast needs to face justice
Their desecration of this world and nature's beautiful creations deserves merciless punishment

 

[Morphinekiss]

If I thought I could love someone without destroying them, I'd pick you.

 

[FusRohDracarys]

I feel really kind of dumb right now. My life narrative has always been that I am the problem. Unplanned pregnancy. Attitude problem. Impossible to discipline. The one child with a different father. The one who rejected my family's religion. The one with failed relationships and ugly break ups. The one who dabbles with drugs and alcohol. The one who longs for death more days in the year than not. The one in and out of therapy with chronic depression.

Speaking of which, why the fuck couldn't any of the, what, 8?, therapist that I saw over the last 20 years tell me "hey kid, maybe you have shit self esteem because your parents enforce that."?

Only now, in my mid 20s am I coming to the stark realization my parents were unintentionally abusive. Not every day, not every moment. But it was consistent. I'm honestly boggled at how I never put it together. Every single person I've considered a good friend or a close friend has also been traumatized by violent acts or emotionally abusive words from their parents. I have over half of the symptoms of someone with a traumatic childhood. And yet... My parents never starved me. They always had a reason when they beat me. They gave me toys and encouraged me to learn and grow. So how could they be abusive?

Even now I still feel really uncomfortable with that word. Abuse. Is it because I don't want to identify as a victim? Is it because it feels too extreme? By all accounts, it makes sense. The few people I've shared specific memories with say it's abuse, or at least over the top. But calling it abuse feels something like crying wolf. Yes, my parents were strict. Yes, I was very sheltered. But they love me. They did and they do. Is my age showing? Am I being a delicate little flower who couldn't withstand a wallop when I was naughty? A thin skinned snowflake that couldn't withstand a misguided or harsh word? I hate to think of myself that way, certainly.

But then just when I want to brush it off, I remember. Oh fucking christ I remember. It's like I had forgotten. I always knew things that happened. But it was so far away, like something I'd heard about in the news while cooking dinner. But now I just remember the seething rage and the hatred and how much I bitterly despised them. Anger made me who I am today. And I thought I had mellowed out as I aged. But perhaps I only numbed out. And that feeling, well, that can't be the healthy normal, now can it?

I have this itch like in my chest. And it's like the only way for me to scratch it is if someone were to sit down and tell me that I'm being dramatic and my parents were great and I'm ungrateful. Because what's the alternative?? Accept it and what? Call my parents out? The folks who were ACTUALLY abused with beatings and molestation and starvation? That will go over great. "Hey mom I know baby sitters used you as an ashtray but you said some mean things that wounded my ego as a child and it was abusive so you're a bad person and failure as a parent." Live on and pretend nothing is wrong while knowing I'm emotionally stunted because of them? Not happening. Disappear? Never speak to them again? And break their hearts for never knowing why I cut them out?

I don't know. And I really struggle to understand why it took me forever to see this.

But I think I understand now why looking at baby pictures makes me cry.

 

[Circles]

My mom: 'Well there's got to be something you'd enjoy.'

No mom, everything is fucking overrated and feels empty as fuck no matter what the fuck I do.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I dont hate you babe, it's worse than that

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I'm pushing myself to try the damn surgery, but in reality I'm tired.
Last week, every day started with a seizure. Today too. I'm so fucking tired. I want to go on the dark net and find an assassin, or some shit, but don't know where to look, or even how.
The worst part is that I can't even cry to get at least some release.

 

[woxihuanni]

Cooking and baking is the thing that keeps me holding on until the inevitable happens. Last night I didn't know I would be alone at home, the clock strikes midnight and one and two and I understand nobody's coming. I sort of passed out and had nightmares about cooking all night long, often jerking awake and remembering I am alone. Among all, maybe this was the saddest thing ever. That a simple, essential, happy thing like cooking was also made the stuff of nightmares, like everything else.

It's like in these two years, everything good that I'd built, learnt, created, achieved in my life was taken from the shelf, barely glanced at and thrown into the sewers. Maybe my destruction is complete.

 

[Saroshi]

when I close my eyes I have scary hallucinations but im still awake

 

[FusRohDracarys]

Tbh, I'm finding myself rolling my eyes at a lot of the recent posts on this forum. It feels like something has changed, but I'm not sure if it's internal or external. My views on suicide haven't changed, but I seem to be lacking the will to phrase things in the fluffiest, PC, hug box way possible required for engaging with some folks. Sometimes it's just exhausting to be on here.