I want to ctb tonight so bad..I'm ready I have method and all. I'm just writing this here because I dont want to make thread (this is Not a goodbye, mods please don't ban me im just venting). I'm only not ctb because of my mom. It will kill her too. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Im only living for her. I know some people will say I should stay alive for my mom but my life has been terrible and I just can't take anymore. I just got more news that pushed me over the edge. I have been suicidal since 14 (I'm late 20s now) so this isn't impulse. Life just beats me down at every turn. I *almost* made it...I was almost happy but life beat me down AGAIN.
I have been mentally, physically and sexually abused by a sociopath ex bf, I held my dead baby in my hands she died before birth (no I don't want any kids, I was raped by sociopath ex is why I ever would have had her, I didn't just didn't have the heart to have abortion). Another one of my ex's (my ex fiance passed away tragically), I have been homeless, I have terrible PTSD, Asperger's, bpd, back pain, and injury's from abuse, horrible insomnia, tinnitus, IBS, I was made fun of in school so I started off on wrong path....I'm just DONE....but I just feel so bad for my mom. She has done everything she can. I love her so much I just can't believe I'm going to do this to her. Ill give it a bit more time but if things don't turn around fast I think it's my time soon. I'll make a goodbye thread when and if I decide I will.