I really don't want to go get more X-rays and see a neurosurgeon. I already know my body isn't fixable and everything is degenerating. I already know there's no cure. I'm sick of seeing specialists who offer no solution while constantly reminding me of how fucked up my body has progressed. My doctor kept repeating yesterday "the damage is irreversible, we can only try to make you comfortable" like they've all been saying. It reminds me of being in palliative care or something. I don't see reasons for treating the pain from symptoms when the root causes have no cure. I still can't believe it got so bad and for years no doctor bothered testing me, didn't even believe I was truly that bad. It'd make a difference if a single one of them that ignored my problems said "I'm sorry, truly, I should have tested you." What's worse is the few acquaintances I have don't care whatsoever how I am. No one has ever offered to help me when I'm struggling to carry groceries, obviously on the verge of tears, when I disappear for weeks because I can't get out of bed. Then they complain about idle gossip and trivial, petty bullshit while I can barely stand up.
It's not like I want some fake pity but some acknowledgement that I am suffering instead of ignoring me completely because I'm not interesting, I guess. This is why I put on a mask and pretend it's okay - nobody cares anyways. I'm just alone like every other day. The last time I asked one of those assholes for something, it was my birthday two years ago and I just wanted something worth less than $5. Not only did I get nothing but was ignored also only to discover they'd told everyone I was an asshole for asking. You'd think I was talking about high school kids but nope, full grown adults over 30. I thought growing up people didn't treat each other so horribly but I was wrong. No matter the social circle, caste system or age group, people are all the same. I'm so sick of it all.