My bus may be on its way

[hopscotch]

goodbye. im glad you finally got what you were searching for for so long, even if you hated having to search for it. im sorry you suffered so much to want it so deeply for so many years, or for it to have been needed. but im glad that it's over. rest well

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm so sorry that the world failed you like this. You would have been the kind of healthcare provider that the world desperately needs more of, with your kindness, compassion, and empathy for others.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

i foolishly clung to the thought that maybe, just maybe you'd change your mind. but you always meant what you said.
you shared you had people who loved you in your life, they are in my thoughts too. you touched lives on here.
goodbye willitpass, you will be missed

 

[Jon Arbuckle]

I'm so sad. you didn't deserve any of this. rest in peace.

 

[rozeske]

I hope you have finally found the peace you seek.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

If there is an afterlife, I'd like to imagine that you and Ash are reunited and having a great time right now, in a world where mental illness and self hatred doesn't exist.

The fact that you're not around anymore feels surreal. Just a few days ago you were laughing at a dumb joke that I made.

 

[willitpass]

I passed out soon after my last message. Woke up at about 3. Drenched in sweat but not even hot. Hard to type because my hands don't go where want them to and my vision is double and fuzzy. Muscle spasms. My watch caught loaded heart beat of 33 but I thought I think it got lower because my watch turned off at one point, meaning it didn't think anyone was wearing it. Very, very tired still. Still possible to work I think, if not I'll sleep it off.

 

[sevennn]

i'm so sorry. :,( these hurts to read. you deserve to die like you wanted to :,(

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I hope it all goes okay, whatever outcome you decide on.

 

[astr4]

I passed out soon after my last message. Woke up at about 3. Drenched in sweat but not even hot. Hard to type because my hands don't go where want them to and my vision is double and fuzzy. Muscle spasms. My watch caught loaded heart beat of 33 but I thought I think it got lower because my watch turned off at one point, meaning it didn't think anyone was wearing it. Very, very tired still. Still possible to work I think, if not I'll sleep it off.

i hope you are resting peacefully now.

 

[-Link-]

Thinking of you, @willitpass

 

[nir]

I passed out soon after my last message. Woke up at about 3. Drenched in sweat but not even hot. Hard to type because my hands don't go where want them to and my vision is double and fuzzy. Muscle spasms. My watch caught loaded heart beat of 33 but I thought I think it got lower because my watch turned off at one point, meaning it didn't think anyone was wearing it. Very, very tired still. Still possible to work I think, if not I'll sleep it off.

Keep us posted if you can. Thinking of you so much.

 

[fairygirl184]

thinking of you @willitpass and have been since i first saw this thread last night, but my account only just got approved. i've been a quiet reader of your "stupid decision" thread for a good few weeks now. godspeed <3

 

[skyflame]

thinking of you, wishing you well (whatever that means for you) <3

 

[willitpass]

I didn't vomit at all. I don't n know how I'm alive right now. 1.2g propranolol is a lethal dose. 900mg of ivabridine and some visible on top should have killed me. I am convinced I can't fucking die. My heart rate is in the low 30s, my vision is doing really fucking weird shit, I'm sweating like crazy, and my muscles are weak and spasming, but I don't think I'm going to die. I could take the rest of the visine but I don't know if I can get it out of the bottles with how weak I am and I swear to god if it wouldn't kill me and just prolong these symptoms.

 

[rozeske]

Is there a chance for damage but not enough to cause death? Incase you maybe need to visit the ER? I would hate to see you in additional suffering if you can't sleep it off?

 

[willitpass]

The hallucinations seem to be gone at least. Had one in the middle of the night that sounded extremely real but I don't think it was because it wouldn't make any sense. A few people were outside the hotel door talking at kept banging on my door and trying to wiggle the handle and yelling at m to open it up. Not police, some older boys/younger men fucking around who kept laughing about me not opening.

Is there a chance for damage but not enough to cause death? Incase you maybe need to visit the ER? I would hate to see you in additional suffering if you can't sleep it off?

The last time this happened I was able to just wait it out for Id say abut 36 hours. Albeit this was a much larger quantity than last time. There isn't too much medical literature of the long term effects if help is not sought, as most of them focus on people who called for help soon after. The fact that I am mentally coming back to it is reassuring. Whether or not my heart could suffer permanent damage I don't know. If I did get help I would need to come up with some fool proof cover for why I was in a hotel by myself and somehow convince them that my heart just decided to go into the 30s. They would see in my chart that I have prescriptions for ivabridine and propranolol so it would probably not take very long for them to start to put two and two together. I would honest rather wait this out and risk permanent damage to my heart and other organs that risk ending up in a mental hospital again. I'm starting to drink a lot to try and flush things out now.

 

[-Link-]

I would honest rather wait this out and risk permanent damage to my heart and other organs that risk ending up in a mental hospital again.

No matter what you choose to do, no matter what this looks like... I'm with you all the way. My DMs are open as well, if you want at any time, and I would support you as best I can.

 

[nir]

I didn't vomit at all. I don't n know how I'm alive right now.

I am also shocked you survived that. Have you been able to stand okay? Your heartrate is low, but I'm thinking your blood pressure must also be insanely low right now too. I would eat some more of your pretzels if you still have some. I know salt can help raise blood pressure a bit.

 

[finallydone]

this is so sad, i hope you find peace OP

 

[Silent_cries]

Good luck, you will be missed. Simontaniously I feel a sense of peace knowing you hopefully won't suffer anymore. I really hope for you that you succeed. Take care please! <3
@willitpass did you bring a ligature? You could try hanging yourself if the od doesn't work. Potentionally with the meds so you'll pass out into the ligature if you have any left? Idk, thought I'd suggest a potentional plan b unless you already have one.
Really hope for you that you can get the peace you're looking for.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that it didn't work and I hope you are able to find peace with whatever you do. Yes, I agree that mental hospitals are a nightmare and I understand you wanting to stay away from it. I do also hope that there is no permanent organ damage either and that life doesn't get worse down the road.

 

[willitpass]

I am also shocked you survived that. Have you been able to stand okay? Your heartrate is low, but I'm thinking your blood pressure must also be insanely low right now too. I would eat some more of your pretzels if you still have some. I know salt can help raise blood pressure a bit.

I haven't stood up since around 8 or 9pm last night. I need to pee though, so I'm about to find out. I haven't taken my blood pressure because my eyes are so fucked right now I wouldn't be able to read the meter to see what it's at. I had a few pretzels a couple of hours ago. My mouth is insanely dry though so I was having to drink a ton of water to even get them down.

I'm still sweaty as all hell. I've just been in and out of sleeping all day. Pulse hasn't changed. This whole experience hasn't been too bad though, all things considered. Only the hallucinations were off putting but not severely so. At least it wasn't painful. Just don't understand why it didn't work.

 

[CatLvr]

Bless you, dear. I just don't know what to say. The selfish side of me is SO grateful you are still here. The benevolent side of me is sad and hurt that you are because I understand how bad you want to NOT be here. Whatever else you do, please be gentle with yourself today.

 

[coolgal82]

I am shocked you survived goddamn, but at the same time both sad and happy? like im sad for you that it didnt go the way you wanted but you're a cool person from what ive seen so a small selfish part of me is kinda glad you'll be around for atleas a bit more. honestly when i saw the thread before it seemed kinda surreal like youre one of the biggest faces here probably

 

[fvckfamily]

why don't you try Sn ?

 

[fairygirl184]

why don't you try Sn ?

they did, in 2020

 

[fvckfamily]

they did, in 2020

I would try until it works, suicide is the success of the brave

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I would try until it works, suicide is the success of the brave

And who are you to tell people what method they should use? Jfc dude. Surviving an attempt is traumatizing. Have some empathy.

 

[fvckfamily]

Foi só uma sugestão, desculpe se pareci intrusivo