I'm in a very tricky situation as i'm 100/100 sure that i want to leave this world but it is difficult to accept that my family will keep suffer for decades because of my leaving.
No matter what i try or think, everything drive me to the necessity of ctb in regard of what i lived during the 10 past years, what my current situation is and what the future looks like ( extremely grim and agonizing ). The more i'm thinking to try to find a way to make my life bearable, the more i conclude that only CTB can relief me.
I actually do not want to keep up living torture for decades in a sacrificial way. That would also be disrespectful to myself to not listen to my wish to die and be forced to live an unbearable existence. Even my parents, if they were allowed to understand what is it to live as me, would understand why i want to leave. They'd think it's for the better.
Because i think it is not human to force myself to stay and keep up wither away. I made the decision to ctb in 2 years ( and that seems very long... ) to let them the possibility of spend yet 2 years without grief. I'd like to make peace with the fact that they will suffer my leave but for the moment it is atrocious. I constantly think about my ctb in 2 years and how they will be affected wich make me sick. I try to imagine their reaction as much as possible to kind of accept it, get used to it. Sometimes it works and i feel more at peace with it, at other time i'm very bad to imagine them and feel completely trapped in this hellish existence. Do you have advice on how to make peace with this ? For the ones who plan to ctb and have a family, how do you cope with that ?
No matter what i try or think, everything drive me to the necessity of ctb in regard of what i lived during the 10 past years, what my current situation is and what the future looks like ( extremely grim and agonizing ). The more i'm thinking to try to find a way to make my life bearable, the more i conclude that only CTB can relief me.
I actually do not want to keep up living torture for decades in a sacrificial way. That would also be disrespectful to myself to not listen to my wish to die and be forced to live an unbearable existence. Even my parents, if they were allowed to understand what is it to live as me, would understand why i want to leave. They'd think it's for the better.
Because i think it is not human to force myself to stay and keep up wither away. I made the decision to ctb in 2 years ( and that seems very long... ) to let them the possibility of spend yet 2 years without grief. I'd like to make peace with the fact that they will suffer my leave but for the moment it is atrocious. I constantly think about my ctb in 2 years and how they will be affected wich make me sick. I try to imagine their reaction as much as possible to kind of accept it, get used to it. Sometimes it works and i feel more at peace with it, at other time i'm very bad to imagine them and feel completely trapped in this hellish existence. Do you have advice on how to make peace with this ? For the ones who plan to ctb and have a family, how do you cope with that ?
