Venting I don't actually want to kill myself, it's more the circumstances I'm in that I feel like I have no other choice

[shabloolator]

I always feel just denied by others when I try to develop a deep connection, either that or when I do feel at home with another eventually their mask slips. No matter how I try to navigate the situation it always just blows up in my face and feels like socially I'm back to square one, I'm really not sure what I'm doing wrong since I'm truly trying my hardest and have changed the way I go about with connections so many times for the better and still it just feels like a true connection is just a concept and not achieveable
I imagine it's part because these connections I'm having trouble with all started from online and then moving them to irl but these are the only connections that are accesible for me, I'm trying to develop even a connection more significant than a "good morning" one with my co workers but it's so hard for me to communicate irl partly due to autism, I think sliding red flags for people is often the reason I get burned so bad from people but I used to be a shithead sometimes too and it was out of trauma and shit I've been through

I had to end a relationship that only was for around like 3 months but I was really in love with her, it just kept escalating to being more and more toxic no matter how much I tried to calmly talk sense into her in a non aggresive way, she didn't like how I was telling her that her actions hurt me a lot and now she is dating a way softer guy that was in our friend group nad they've been together for 2 months or so. I keep flip flopping between missing her and hating her for what she did to me and the coercesion she one time used in a sexual interaction we had even after she told me her SA stories she went through and I told her mine, she made our mutual online friends I would go to when I would feel alone dislike me and only one asked about my side of the story
even after all this and more shit she has done I don't feel like sharing yet she is still with that guy she got with after me and I would comfort myself and get myself to stop missing her by saying it's gonna blow up in their face and how much of a bitch she is and a disgusting human and how she will never find a true love if she keeps acting like this but tbh I just want to be happy myself, and even with the path I'm taking which I believe is better I still cannot find even a true friend

I would go out to bars with her and our friends and actually felt like I finally had a social life, now I'm back to square one. to going between discord and games hoping maybe one person will come on which I still feel somewhat comfortable with so I can speak about anything to just to clear my mind
I had to change myself so much over the years just to fit other's norms and at this point I feel like I'm just some frankenstein of a person, a shell of the happy kid I used to be. I'm not upset with the personality I have developed, but being so quiet is not me and I can't handle all this fear and stress when being in public

I keep going back to this forum and lurk for methods out of just hopelessness and beliving more and more that all what I believe will eventually come is just a concept in my head
but I can never decide on a method, I have too high of standards ig, I don't want it to be too messy at least not that my parents or anyone who knows me and truly cares about me will see it (kinda selfish ik) and I need to be able to pretty instinctively and simply ctb, If I get a bit too distracted by the means of the method I get so invested in it I'm just not in the same mindspace to do it

I can't stop imagining my family cause they truely care about me and see me as one of them, I keep imagining my sister showing my niece pictures of me and her when she grows up and my sister trying to not break down, my brother's regret for how we grew apart cause he was going through his own shit in life, my mom for knowing so much of what I've been through and the struggles I faced and I keep imagining my dad breaking down even though he is the last person to show sympathy and emotion or understanding, I still love him and know he cares about me because of the times he does go out of his way to do something nice for me and the rare conversations we get to bond for a bit over shows or songs we like, with all the stupid shit he does I still care about him
another thought that keeps appearing is thinking about what went wrong, how did I end up at this point, what if younger more naive me had a chance to see current me and ask me how we got to this point, how would I even answer that and what state younger me would have to see technically himself in
sounds kinda performative ig but for a few months I've been visualizing all these feelings into this sort of dark figure, feeling a presence sometimes
I cannot stand these nihilistic thoughts anymore

I have tried so many ways to be more socially accepted and I do think I've gotten so much better over these years but it just never feels enough, I realize the way I've passed to get to this point where I'm better in certain areas but it just feels like the path left for me to go to if I keep living is endless and I have doubt I will ever be complete, at 16 I kept telling myself 100% next year I will find someone reliable and I just kept pushing it to next year everytime the "deadline" arrived

Talked to my therapist for a few years about this whole thing and everything I've been through and we have made progress but there is only so much she can do, she can't make a wish and get me a true connection and it really feels like magic is the only way I will not feel "hunted" and watched and alone

I hate that I lean towards ctb as a last resort, I would've been more complete with doing it and maybe would've done it already if it didn't just feel as a last resort
if the circumstances of the methods was different I would've done it already, I just wish I could listen to my playlist while doing and just go to sleep peacefully and leave a note
my state of mind is getting worse also because I went back to keeping to myself what I'm going through from my mom and It just takes too much energy telling my therapist about every little detail in each story so I don't really feel like I spilt my heart out

I just have no real outlet to really spill my heart out, I stopped telling my mom about what I'm going through cause it just feels like a burden on her and she can't even help me with it, It hurts me to so how it affects her
I don't truly spill my heart to my threapist becuase explaining every detail of stories is just so energy consuming and it's a lot of explaining of context

I also hate how sleeping when I'm going through these episodes just "resets" me and until next episode I don't feel as passionately about what I was thinking

 

[EndlessRage]

I always feel just denied by others when I try to develop a deep connection, either that or when I do feel at home with another eventually their mask slips. No matter how I try to navigate the situation it always just blows up in my face and feels like socially I'm back to square one, I'm really not sure what I'm doing wrong since I'm truly trying my hardest and have changed the way I go about with connections so many times for the better and still it just feels like a true connection is just a concept and not achieveable
I imagine it's part because these connections I'm having trouble with all started from online and then moving them to irl but these are the only connections that are accesible for me, I'm trying to develop even a connection more significant than a "good morning" one with my co workers but it's so hard for me to communicate irl partly due to autism, I think sliding red flags for people is often the reason I get burned so bad from people but I used to be a shithead sometimes too and it was out of trauma and shit I've been through

I had to end a relationship that only was for around like 3 months but I was really in love with her, it just kept escalating to being more and more toxic no matter how much I tried to calmly talk sense into her in a non aggresive way, she didn't like how I was telling her that her actions hurt me a lot and now she is dating a way softer guy that was in our friend group nad they've been together for 2 months or so. I keep flip flopping between missing her and hating her for what she did to me and the coercesion she one time used in a sexual interaction we had even after she told me her SA stories she went through and I told her mine, she made our mutual online friends I would go to when I would feel alone dislike me and only one asked about my side of the story
even after all this and more shit she has done I don't feel like sharing yet she is still with that guy she got with after me and I would comfort myself and get myself to stop missing her by saying it's gonna blow up in their face and how much of a bitch she is and a disgusting human and how she will never find a true love if she keeps acting like this but tbh I just want to be happy myself, and even with the path I'm taking which I believe is better I still cannot find even a true friend

I would go out to bars with her and our friends and actually felt like I finally had a social life, now I'm back to square one. to going between discord and games hoping maybe one person will come on which I still feel somewhat comfortable with so I can speak about anything to just to clear my mind
I had to change myself so much over the years just to fit other's norms and at this point I feel like I'm just some frankenstein of a person, a shell of the happy kid I used to be. I'm not upset with the personality I have developed, but being so quiet is not me and I can't handle all this fear and stress when being in public

I keep going back to this forum and lurk for methods out of just hopelessness and beliving more and more that all what I believe will eventually come is just a concept in my head
but I can never decide on a method, I have too high of standards ig, I don't want it to be too messy at least not that my parents or anyone who knows me and truly cares about me will see it (kinda selfish ik) and I need to be able to pretty instinctively and simply ctb, If I get a bit too distracted by the means of the method I get so invested in it I'm just not in the same mindspace to do it

I can't stop imagining my family cause they truely care about me and see me as one of them, I keep imagining my sister showing my niece pictures of me and her when she grows up and my sister trying to not break down, my brother's regret for how we grew apart cause he was going through his own shit in life, my mom for knowing so much of what I've been through and the struggles I faced and I keep imagining my dad breaking down even though he is the last person to show sympathy and emotion or understanding, I still love him and know he cares about me because of the times he does go out of his way to do something nice for me and the rare conversations we get to bond for a bit over shows or songs we like, with all the stupid shit he does I still care about him
another thought that keeps appearing is thinking about what went wrong, how did I end up at this point, what if younger more naive me had a chance to see current me and ask me how we got to this point, how would I even answer that and what state younger me would have to see technically himself in
sounds kinda performative ig but for a few months I've been visualizing all these feelings into this sort of dark figure, feeling a presence sometimes
I cannot stand these nihilistic thoughts anymore

I have tried so many ways to be more socially accepted and I do think I've gotten so much better over these years but it just never feels enough, I realize the way I've passed to get to this point where I'm better in certain areas but it just feels like the path left for me to go to if I keep living is endless and I have doubt I will ever be complete, at 16 I kept telling myself 100% next year I will find someone reliable and I just kept pushing it to next year everytime the "deadline" arrived

Talked to my therapist for a few years about this whole thing and everything I've been through and we have made progress but there is only so much she can do, she can't make a wish and get me a true connection and it really feels like magic is the only way I will not feel "hunted" and watched and alone

I hate that I lean towards ctb as a last resort, I would've been more complete with doing it and maybe would've done it already if it didn't just feel as a last resort
if the circumstances of the methods was different I would've done it already, I just wish I could listen to my playlist while doing and just go to sleep peacefully and leave a note
my state of mind is getting worse also because I went back to keeping to myself what I'm going through from my mom and It just takes too much energy telling my therapist about every little detail in each story so I don't really feel like I spilt my heart out

You want meaningful relationships, but you keep getting hurt, rejected, abandoned. It sounds like you're exhausted from loneliness and a painful breakup.
I have been there in your shoes. And yes therapy helped you mentally but it can't really bring you what you want.
Breakups, they suck, they really do man but women come and go in life, I had an obsession with a woman for years just to find out she got married to someone else and has kids. My heart got completely shattered but i still managed to go through it, she didn't deserve you. Friends groups are mental destruction disguised as having a social life. Your family loves you, mine doesn't care if I'm dead or alive. You are lucky to have a nice family who cares about you and loves you.
If you don't want to kill yourself than don't, some of us here are permanently damaged but if you believe in your heart there's any hope left you should see it as a sign.
Nevertheless it is your decision.

 

[shabloolator]

You want meaningful relationships, but you keep getting hurt, rejected, abandoned. It sounds like you're exhausted from loneliness and a painful breakup.
I have been there in your shoes. And yes therapy helped you mentally but it can't really bring you what you want.
Breakups, they suck, they really do man but women come and go in life, I had an obsession with a woman for years just to find out she got married to someone else and has kids. My heart got completely shattered but i still managed to go through it, she didn't deserve you. Friends groups are mental destruction disguised as having a social life. Your family loves you, mine doesn't care if I'm dead or alive. You are lucky to have a nice family who cares about you and loves you.
If you don't want to kill yourself than don't, some of us here are permanently damaged but if you believe in your heart there's any hope left you should see it as a sign.
Nevertheless it is your decision.

It's the constant loop of getting into these toxic relationships even when I give it my all, I know I'm in a good position compared to others
I keep going back to moving forward but always end up in the same hole and go to rethinking
And the longer this loop is going the more and more I just feel like I shouldn't trust anyone and that I'm pretty much alone

I love my family but we don't have a true connection, the deepest connection I have in my family is with my mom and even then I barely tell her anything personal, probably the reason I feel kind of disconnected from them is the fact I have to be a fake version of myself around them, just not an authentic relationship which is what I'm trying to find in others but it keeps blowing up

I'm not going to ctb now or probably anytime soon but I am worried how long this thing is going to last and worried I will eventually ctb in the future, I was sure I was going to not be here by 20 but here I am

I just feel like I'm going crazy, I don't wanna come off as narcissistic but I do believe I have good traits that aren't that common and don't look visually bad
I just can't see what else needs to be changed for this loop to end, it feels like I'm just chasing something that is impossible and I really don't wanna live in a world where this is how things are

I have this thing where I just need to make sense of things and find a reason for why things happen, but I just have no idea

It really feels stupid because my situation isn't really that bad compared to others yet I'm still falling into this pit

 

[EndlessRage]

It's the constant loop of getting into these toxic relationships even when I give it my all, I know I'm in a good position compared to others
I keep going back to moving forward but always end up in the same hole and go to rethinking
And the longer this loop is going the more and more I just feel like I shouldn't trust anyone and that I'm pretty much alone

I love my family but we don't have a true connection, the deepest connection I have in my family is with my mom and even then I barely tell her anything personal, probably the reason I feel kind of disconnected from them is the fact I have to be a fake version of myself around them, just not an authentic relationship which is what I'm trying to find in others but it keeps blowing up

I'm not going to ctb now or probably anytime soon but I am worried how long this thing is going to last and worried I will eventually ctb in the future, I was sure I was going to not be here by 20 but here I am

I just feel like I'm going crazy, I don't wanna come off as narcissistic but I do believe I have good traits that aren't that common and don't look visually bad
I just can't see what else needs to be changed for this loop to end, it feels like I'm just chasing something that is impossible and I really don't wanna live in a world where this is how things are

I have this thing where I just need to make sense of things and find a reason for why things happen, but I just have no idea

It really feels stupid because my situation isn't really that bad compared to others yet I'm still falling into this pit

I don't really talk to people about my sadness and problems in real life either, it doesn't mean there's not a ''true'' connection. I've kept my thoughts a personal secret from the people i know in real life. It doesn't mean you're being a fake version of yourself around the people you know.
Maybe the issue isn't that you're failing to become acceptable. Maybe the issue is that you're repeatedly investing in the wrong people and then using those experiences as evidence that everyone is the same.

It's the constant loop of getting into these toxic relationships even when I give it my all, I know I'm in a good position compared to others
I keep going back to moving forward but always end up in the same hole and go to rethinking
And the longer this loop is going the more and more I just feel like I shouldn't trust anyone and that I'm pretty much alone

I love my family but we don't have a true connection, the deepest connection I have in my family is with my mom and even then I barely tell her anything personal, probably the reason I feel kind of disconnected from them is the fact I have to be a fake version of myself around them, just not an authentic relationship which is what I'm trying to find in others but it keeps blowing up

I'm not going to ctb now or probably anytime soon but I am worried how long this thing is going to last and worried I will eventually ctb in the future, I was sure I was going to not be here by 20 but here I am

I just feel like I'm going crazy, I don't wanna come off as narcissistic but I do believe I have good traits that aren't that common and don't look visually bad
I just can't see what else needs to be changed for this loop to end, it feels like I'm just chasing something that is impossible and I really don't wanna live in a world where this is how things are

I have this thing where I just need to make sense of things and find a reason for why things happen, but I just have no idea

It really feels stupid because my situation isn't really that bad compared to others yet I'm still falling into this pit

How can you be certain you'll never find the connection you're looking for when you haven't met most of the people you'll know in your life yet?
You are treating your past experiences as proof of your entire future.

 

[oilsaniok]

yea i do have same reason hopelessness

 

[shabloolator]

I don't really talk to people about my sadness and problems in real life either, it doesn't mean there's not a ''true'' connection. I've kept my thoughts a personal secret from the people i know in real life. It doesn't mean you're being a fake version of yourself around the people you know.
Maybe the issue isn't that you're failing to become acceptable. Maybe the issue is that you're repeatedly investing in the wrong people and then using those experiences as evidence that everyone is the same.

How can you be certain you'll never find the connection you're looking for when you haven't met most of the people you'll know in your life yet?
You are treating your past experiences as proof of your entire future.

the reason I feel like we don't have a true connection is not just related to these deep conversations, I feel I have to mask when I'm around them
I don't feel like everyone is the same, kinda more like my destiny is to be stuck in this loop and I have no way to change it

what makes me go back to trying is that thought that I have yet to meet so many people and I'm sure my perspective will change later on but the more these connections blow up the more it feels like it's a lost cause, even sometimes like a divine being is related to this but I don't really believe that, my belief of an upper being started and is based on my flawed version of a situation that happend to me

 

[EndlessRage]

the reason I feel like we don't have a true connection is not just related to these deep conversations, I feel I have to mask when I'm around them
I don't feel like everyone is the same, kinda more like my destiny is to be stuck in this loop and I have no way to change it

what makes me go back to trying is that thought that I have yet to meet so many people and I'm sure my perspective will change later on but the more these connections blow up the more it feels like it's a lost cause, even sometimes like a divine being is related to this but I don't really believe that, my belief of an upper being started and is based on my flawed version of a situation that happend to me

What stands out to me is that you say you don't have a true connection with your family because you have to mask around them, but you also say what keeps stopping you from ctb is thinking about how much it would hurt them.
So it sounds like the connection is there, just not in the form you want it to be.
You also say it feels like your destiny is to be stuck in this loop, yet the thing that keeps you moving forward is knowing you haven't met most of the people you'll meet in your life yet.
My question is: if you admit there are still people you haven't met, connections you haven't formed, and even family members who care about you despite not fully knowing the real you, how can you be certain that your future is already decided?

 

[lpdsvm]

Yeah. I think many are like that.
I don't want to CTB either, but I want to stop this mental pain from overthinking (and it's is very possible because there are a lot of facts looking at me) and other issues by CTBing. It's a matter of time. I can probably convince myself to do it now because too much sh&t for me and I'm alone.