Venting Long time lurker here

[Phosphate mate]

Hi all,

I'd like to introduce myself and also ask for some guidance if that's alright with you all.

To put it bluntly I've been deeply suicidal since I was young. I went through a lot and was 20 something weeks premature as well as being SA'd when I was 8 by another boy.

I would have preferred to die when I was born honestly I had my windpipe reconstructed and was fed through a tube for years.

I can now speak and eat normally though so that's a plus I suppose. I just don't think the torment was worth it.

I just don't fit into society. I sound different and look different due to scars etc and I am now developing episodes of repeat pancreatitis (although that's not related it's absolute agony)

I want the pain to stop. I have had enough in my life. I want peace. Every day I'm so anxious. I can't cope. I just want to disappear.

SN is not easily available here and the government will come down on you for admitting how you really feel in a mens self help meeting.

Why can't you allow me my peace? Why is it so hard? I play by your rules, I have a job and try to do everything else other people do.

Its all so tiresome. fml

 

[Phhi49]

Yea this is not a lets hold hands and singalongsongs society sadly enough. Quite the contrary, family and friends can be exceptions. But out there its a jungle and generally the rule of thumb is, we eat them or are eaten. How i wish it could be different.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it painful to exist, I also just wish to be gone, all I hope for is to never suffer ever again, I hope you find the peace you search for.