PaperCrane
New Member
- May 27, 2026
- 2
I've been seriously depressed for around 8 years now and I know at this point everyone is just like "why don't you ctb?", and I genuinely would but I lack almost every ability in order to do it. With absolutely no form of financial independence I can't get access to anything that could help, and while I do wish my parents never had me and that I could just be forgotten, I can't leave them with an image of my hanging body or a bloody splatter in front of a car. I refuse to. It really is all my fault and I'm aware so I just continue to fall deeper in this pit as a punishment.
I realized I couldn't take all the pressure at home anymore so I took two months off to visit my grandparents in a different country to settle my mind. I thought that this time away could help me actually figure out what I really want. One day in, and now I'm writing this. It just feels like I'm running away all over again. Like as if this was probably the worst decision I've ever made. I hate it here, I hate it at home, I just don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't pack my blade and I cant stop scratching my arm and I'm just so confused. I seriously thought this would help me but I'm just doing what I've been doing for the past 8 years, running away. I'm so afraid of facing myself because I'm going to see the disappointed face of everyone again. Like I just can't do anything right.
I realized I couldn't take all the pressure at home anymore so I took two months off to visit my grandparents in a different country to settle my mind. I thought that this time away could help me actually figure out what I really want. One day in, and now I'm writing this. It just feels like I'm running away all over again. Like as if this was probably the worst decision I've ever made. I hate it here, I hate it at home, I just don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't pack my blade and I cant stop scratching my arm and I'm just so confused. I seriously thought this would help me but I'm just doing what I've been doing for the past 8 years, running away. I'm so afraid of facing myself because I'm going to see the disappointed face of everyone again. Like I just can't do anything right.
. We've all got problems, mate. We're all running. Sometimes staying and fighting is better though. Finding the root of the problem, and starting to chip away at it. That's how we get further away from the last resort of suicide. I don't know what your reason exactly is, but I do know that this feeling of running isn't going to go away until you start working at it. Best of luck in whatever you choose, mate. I wish you lots of love and a sound sleep tonight
