Venting I should've CBT'd long ago

[ButterToast]

Fuck man, I remember I started considering CBT since childhood, elementary school, that was a long time ago.

I fell for sunk cost fallacy, thinking that the cost people around me has put into me made it not worth the CBT, but damn 10 years later I fucking regretted it, it's now actually quite considerable if I were to CBT today. Should've done it a long time ago, no one will really miss or lose me. No potential cost will be wasted, I don't do shit anyway, I don't contribute anyway, I never done anything useful or good anyway, I'll forever be a useless piece of shit that only takes away from society. The world already have enough shitass humans, no need for me to add to that counter.

Fucking hell, everyday is a different flavor of mental illness, different flavor of problems, why do I get all these problems that other people doing the same shit simply don't get lol, why did they born in an environment that I can only dream off lol, I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my personality, my mind, my soul, my body, everything. I wish I was never born, fuck this I never sign up for this shit called life. I feel empty and idk what to feel about life anymore, I don't feel happy anymore, I don't feel anything anymore, the only thing I feel is anger and that felt so terrible, I would literally manufacture artificial sadness everyday just so I can feel alive even for a bit.

Fuck me, not my life, but me. Piece of shit me. I don't think I've had the most tragic life, but that made it worse because my anger is just stupid unjustified venting and I hate myself for feeling this way. Holy shit, I wish someone else better would take my position as I fly away into nothingness, they'd play me better than me, they'd actually do something good for once.

I wish I had gone through with my plan of jumping off that tall bridge those years ago, heck I got hit by a car when I was 4 or 5, It should've ended me right then and there, fuck me, I hate myself, fuck fuck fuck.

So much hate, so hollow, nothing brings joy anymore.

I hate myself so much.
I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME SHITASS

 

[3rdworldsadness]

I relate so much. I wish I could've just ctb when I was 9, that year my father died and since then poor condition began still we are struggling... I thought about jumping when I was 9 and going to my father but I couldn't as my mom tortured physically, mentally and psycologically me all day and would ground me so much I didn't have a chance. I got into motor accident when I was 6-7 I remember but I was saved, sigh, i wish i died. Hugs...