Introduce yourself

[JohnnySack]

Hello


im in my 20s and my favorite show is the sopranos obviously. um, i also like video games.


thats it.

 

[seppuku404]

I'm 23 and I really don't see any good things in the future for me, living is just a burden I didn't ask for
basically I'm just waiting for some things to finally ctb without feeling guilty

 

[threevoices]

ive been too shy to post but i guess im biting the bullet now ^^"

im 19 currently, 20 in less than 2 months (which sounds pathetic to clarify tbh)

i suspect myself of having many conditions like autism, DID, ocd, bpd, ptsd, pots, chronic migraines, etc (i say suspect because i cannot seek a diagnosis due to my current living environment). i also have a worsening english language deficit which i believe is due to autism, if i speak peculiarly or like i speak english non-natively that's why

i dont know how ive made it this long, i thought i would die before i turned 17. its a bit surreal to be alive, even though im doing alright as of writing this. i have a feeling that ill die before im "supposed to", either by ctb or an accident

for hobbies i like to play games (animal crossing and pokemon mostly), write stories, i draw sometimes too. i also have a website i hand-coded from scratch that i like working on

 

[Romanticize]

Im 35yo male from Poland. Very smart, I was always best in class, scoring high in competitions, esp. maths and physics.

However my dad has mental illness and was abusing my family since i was a little kid- I witnessed scenes that are worse than any horror.

Since 20+ years i struggle with behavioral disorders and severe depression. 6 years ago I started to self-medicate (used 150+ psychoactive substances) but got hooked on opioids and got severely addicted to oxy and morph. Taking 1g of M daily!

I live with my elderly (75+) yo mom, who loves me, and with my dad, who I think takes his antipsychotics. He still abuses us but not physically like he used to do, but he doesnt help at all in home, doesnt clean after himself, hes a total asshole.

I was in psych ward twice, I had substantial amounts of money which i spent/ lost al, I have chronic problems with my health. I almost dont leave my house due to depression.

Having S thoughts and ideations 24/7, decided to CTB like a year ago, just waiting for the items and occassion now.

I explored a lot of forensic stuff (got med school books, gore, dying methods etc). I think I have big knowledge of that.


Looking for a partner if possible (i wrote in the thread) I got loads of morph, benzos and SN. However I prefer inert gas method or firearms. Shoot me up if you wanna talk...

 

[pandorasactor]

Hello! I decided to finally create an account and post here.
I'm 21 years old, and I enjoy watching anime (favourites would be Cyberpunk Edgerunners, Bleach, and Akudama Drive) and sleeping (lol).

Anyways, it's good to be here and I hope that we can be friends :)

 

[vauhmit]

hi everyone
im 18m and i've been a lurker for quite a long time on here.
i like to sew and i like anything relating to clothes

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Welcome new users!

Be sure to read the rules carefully, the mods here are very banhammer happy

Nah, seriously, I hope you'll all find a safe place here

 

[Squishyface]

I'm a 40 yr old female.
I'm divorced, no kids. My family is already doing just fine without me, and it seems like I'm a burden when I reach out.
I have one friend, and lately it feels like I'm a burden to them, too.
I try not to reach out to anyone anymore. When they contact me, it gives obligation vibes instead of genuine care.
I already have a plan in place, just here to learn more.

 

[athiestjoe]

Been browsing here for too long and finally joined. 40M in USA. Thankful to be here with people who won't look down on me knowing I plan to CTB and find some peace & serenity finally. Figured I should give back to this awesome site before I do CTB and when I do CTB I will let everyone know what protocol/method I land on for whatever that is worth. So many have been gracious enough to talk about their efforts I figure before I leave this earth I should do the same. Hope everyone finds whatever peace they seek and I plan to do the same!

 

[thenorthern]

Late 20s man from UK. Have been suicidal for the better part of a decade I would say. Try to be friendly to everyone I talk to. Happy to chat with whoever :)

 

[alienfreak]

Hi.

I'm a 32 year old guy.

I remember the start of this website. I can't remember the exact years, but 5+ years ago I used to be active on the Sanctioned Suicide subreddit. I was there and saw it killed by reddit admins who started claiming that messages like "I wish you peace" were breaking the rules by "inciting violence". So sad. I am glad that this website seems to be solid and doing very well at first glance.

I have always had severe anxiety issues and found it hard to interact with people. School was always torture for me and I've never had a real job. I havent got much medical treatment because i cant talk clearly to doctors and dont trust them.

I'd say I've been depressed since 13, suicidal since 17.

In my 20s I managed to buy fent; it used to be easy for a time. For years I regularly stared at the bag. I reached a profound sense of peace and complete acceptance that I was going to take it. I waited through the life insurance waiting period until it would cover suicide.
However, there was a ridiculous twist. As a result of using the dark sides of the web I also was holding crypto, and it made me a decent amount of money.
In my late 20s I used that money to move to another country where I had an online friend. In desperation I tried to make a big change and see if it would help. I stopped talking to everyone from my home country, including my family.

I made it to 30 years old without ever having sex or a relationship, but then that friend turned into something like 'friends with benefits'. I'm gay and he was straight so it was completely unexpected. I got to experience so many things for the first time and I had moments of happiness for the first time. I actually recovered and stopped having suicidal thoughts. One day I just realised "wow i havent thought about it for weeks". But it was still true that i had nothing in my life except this friend. It went on for two years and it started to turn into something close to a relationship.

Now recently, this scared him and he broke up with me when a girl came into the picture. He said he's scared of being gay and scared that his family wouldnt be ok with it etc. None of his reasons for ending it were satisfying. I told him i loved him. He said im his best friend and he still wants me in his life forever. But nothing is the same the friendship is messed up.

It's been a few months and it still hurts more than anything ive ever experienced before. It's like I was pushed a millimetre from death, saved and shown what happiness is for a few years, and then thrown back into a fire pit. The loneliness and feeling of watching my emotional connection with him fall apart is devastating. In my whole life he's the only thing that ever made me able to feel like life was worth living. One person can really change everything; I see now how people's obsession with relationships is totally justified, I used to think it was silly. I don't know how to understand this reality, it is so absurd. I have so many mental issues, have to take medication to go to the grocery store without shaking too much, so it's no surprise that he doesnt want a real relationship with me, and there's no way I will find anyone else. I would have run out of money within some years anyway and there's no way I could work.

I feel strange writing all this here but I have had nobody to talk to about it at all so maybe it will help.

The whole time i was in recovery I kept feeling like it was a surreal dreamworld and it was the epilogue of my life. I even said that multiple times over the years to my friend. Now i feel it was really true.

I am grateful that I got such a nice epilogue, unbelievably so. I really appreciate it. But I feel like I should CTB really soon, I can't face being back to this again.