Im more scared of ctb than I've ever been

[theendoftheroad]

I'm finally serious about ctb after 21 long years and after looking through these posts I'm more scared of it then I've ever been. There's so many posts with so many ways to go about it (hanging) and so many people arguing which way is the best with no real answer and I'm so afraid of screwing it up. I can't buy a gun to do it bc of involuntary admittance to a mental hospital as a teen and I can't use SN because I live with others and can't reliably get to my own mail. I really figured it would be as simple as tying a rope to a ceiling fan, getting a chair and one little kick. When I was 12 my dad sent me off to live with my mom for a week and a couple days later my whole family came to see me to tell me he had hung himself in a hotel room. I have no idea how he went about it except that he was definitely drunk at the time. I'm about to be kicked out of the last family that will take me and a bunch of other problems I had been putting off are piling up so I know it's time. My plan is with the little money I have saved up to get a cheap hotel for a week or so and enjoy my final moments alone drunk going through my video game backlog.

 

[endboss]

I'm also afraid I might screw it up. I have two options: either kms in my families flat or the forest. The forest stresses me out, because people jogg there or walk their dog sometimes. It's a small risk, I guess, but I don't feel at ease there. I found a tree I wanted to use, but I haven't had time to really test it with my rope at all. I couldn't, because my family would become highly suspicious of me going outside, because I haven't left the flat for many months. I also don't want to ruin the flat for them with my dead body, smell and piss. I don't know what to do. Maybe I have to pull through until they are on vacation or something or I'll do it in the cellar. Reading the posts here made me want to be sure my method works. I am not really confident yet.