Venting I need pills to sleep. I hate this.

[gwensaysgoodbye]

It's as simple as that. As of recently I've been using pills to sleep. Before this I'd just use whatever we'd have to get a high; if end up being over 2000mgs in whatever mix of pills I'd be taking and it was great. It was one of the few times I felt good and ok. One of the extremely few times. The only times they'd be bad is when the night time psychosis kicked in. And oh boy was being high on pills during that hell.

But now I'm off that, now I just can't sleep anymore. Paranoia and panic filling me every second of every day and night. Last night though I found some Benadryl, considering one of the symptoms was it made you extremely tired, I took about 2 in hopes of it knocking me out. I did the same tonight. I hate that I'm this mentally fucked that I can't even sleep normally and need whatever pills I have to get a nights rest.

There's something horrible wrong with me and I hate it. I don't even know if my version of reality is the truth or not. I try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, and I feel I always fuck up. I'll always just fuck up. And it's all my fault because I'm too much of a pushover who believes what he's told. I can't stand up for myself for shit and it makes my life hell cause I only realize things once others point them out. This has been taken advantage of so many times. I'm just tired. I don't know what to believe ever. I just want to sleep normally one day without the pills. But that'll probably never happen.

I hope I die soon because I really can't do this much longer. I'm scared to hurt people. I'm scared of myself and if everything I believe is just a false. I hope this pain just goes away.

 

[milkytoast467]

It's as simple as that. As of recently I've been using pills to sleep. Before this I'd just use whatever we'd have to get a high; if end up being over 2000mgs in whatever mix of pills I'd be taking and it was great. It was one of the few times I felt good and ok. One of the extremely few times. The only times they'd be bad is when the night time psychosis kicked in. And oh boy was being high on pills during that hell.

But now I'm off that, now I just can't sleep anymore. Paranoia and panic filling me every second of every day and night. Last night though I found some Benadryl, considering one of the symptoms was it made you extremely tired, I took about 2 in hopes of it knocking me out. I did the same tonight. I hate that I'm this mentally fucked that I can't even sleep normally and need whatever pills I have to get a nights rest.

There's something horrible wrong with me and I hate it. I don't even know if my version of reality is the truth or not. I try so hard to be a good person, a good friend, and I feel I always fuck up. I'll always just fuck up. And it's all my fault because I'm too much of a pushover who believes what he's told. I can't stand up for myself for shit and it makes my life hell cause I only realize things once others point them out. This has been taken advantage of so many times. I'm just tired. I don't know what to believe ever. I just want to sleep normally one day without the pills. But that'll probably never happen.

I hope I die soon because I really can't do this much longer. I'm scared to hurt people. I'm scared of myself and if everything I believe is just a false. I hope this pain just goes away.

I'm sorry that you feel that way. I also try to be a good person and a decent human but I feel like I'm failing others sometimes. If you don't mind, perhaps we could chat with each other? I've been feeling a bit lonely lately.