melancholyxx
Member
- Mar 23, 2023
- 6
I'm dumping all this here. I posted a thread earlier about help on finding a peaceful exit, still looking for that btw. But I'm letting it all out here so at least someone will know what happened to me. Especially if it's strangers online who'll never know who I was.
I killed what would've been my baby for my ex who cheated over and over and left anyway. I was 18, he was in his mid(?) twenties. Now I'm 20, a whore and I've lost everything I once was. The grief and guilt eats me alive. I've always been pro choice but god knows I never wanted to make it myself. I killed our baby for us, he promised he'd stay if I got rid of it. He lied. He cheated on me for the forth and fifth time not even a month after the abortion. Even said that one of the chicks he cheated on me with was prettier than me, the supposed love of his life. Now I'm obsessed with beauty and I compare myself to every woman I deem pretty. It's my fault, I was a dumb naive teenager. I know. Now I sleep around for the intimacy afterwards. Skin to skin, feeling like someone's special person even if it's built on lust for them, it feels real for me. Even if it's for a moment. I can't connect with people. I shut everyone out and hate them for it. I choose not to work and I choose to self harm, starve myself, drink it all away, I drown myself in being intoxicated because it's the only time where I feel like my worries are gone. Even if it comes back tenfold not long after. Being shitfaced drunk hyperfocusing on walking "okay left foot right food okay SIT!" isn't all that bad when thinking about everything else is the only alternative. I tried moving on. I use men for their dicks just like they use me for my body, no problem. I date assholes because I lie to myself into thinking that if I date an asshole, it won't hurt when they do assholey things. I feel like I'll never deserve a good guy because of everything I've been through. Who would want to date a whore who got pregnant at fucking 18 and killed the kid anyway? I was alone at the clinic that day. He lied to me. We were irl - long distance - irl - long distance again. He said he'd fly over and be there for me if I did get pregnant. Fucking liar. I was there alone. He was on the phone with me but then he jerked off and went to sleep. I'm not joking. The final minutes of me with my baby were spent in pain. You can't eat or drink before surgeries and I couldn't do the medication easy shit method because I'm anemic and smthsmth blood levels. Starved, thirsty and really, really woozy from the medications they gave me pre surgery. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life and I was alone. One second I'm whining in pain on the floor waiting for my turn because it was genuinely unbearable, then the next, I'm being wheelchaired into a room and face mask to the face and lights out. I wake up and my baby is gone.
He called our baby an "it" and mocked me for getting attatched. Like it was a choice. That's my fucking baby. OUR baby. He made fun of me for not smoking or drinking when I was pregnant. I told him that I'll never meet my baby. Even if she's (we never got the gender, abortions are illegal here once you start your second trimester) just a clump of cells that can't feel, I don't want to make a single possibility of her suffering. I want to treat her right, even if she ends up being killed for my selfish decisions. I wasn't even a drinker or hard smoker at the time btw. I did love a cigarette here and there or my trusty vape.
I always wanted to be a mother. I was raised by a drunkard single mom. She's still a raging alcoholic btw. She's been jobless for years. I always wanted to have a baby of my own and raise her to be a brave, courageous young woman. But I'll never get that. The surgery fucked me up and I may never be able to conceive. And even if I could, I don't want to. That wouldn't be fair to my baby. You get your first baby only once and I fucking killed it.
I keep getting played in my face by men even the ones I thought were different. My friends use me.
I'm just tired of it all. Truth be told, I'm in the middle of a fat relapse rn. I'm literally sat next to a bloodied up towel, vape in hand. Proper swag shit. I don't talk about my feelings to anyone anymore. I just can't bring myself to open up. It makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel pathetic and just gross. So here I am.
I'll probably be posting more vents or nonsense soon. I'm tired and I want to continue mutilating my arm. Okay no that's a grim way to put it lol.
I killed what would've been my baby for my ex who cheated over and over and left anyway. I was 18, he was in his mid(?) twenties. Now I'm 20, a whore and I've lost everything I once was. The grief and guilt eats me alive. I've always been pro choice but god knows I never wanted to make it myself. I killed our baby for us, he promised he'd stay if I got rid of it. He lied. He cheated on me for the forth and fifth time not even a month after the abortion. Even said that one of the chicks he cheated on me with was prettier than me, the supposed love of his life. Now I'm obsessed with beauty and I compare myself to every woman I deem pretty. It's my fault, I was a dumb naive teenager. I know. Now I sleep around for the intimacy afterwards. Skin to skin, feeling like someone's special person even if it's built on lust for them, it feels real for me. Even if it's for a moment. I can't connect with people. I shut everyone out and hate them for it. I choose not to work and I choose to self harm, starve myself, drink it all away, I drown myself in being intoxicated because it's the only time where I feel like my worries are gone. Even if it comes back tenfold not long after. Being shitfaced drunk hyperfocusing on walking "okay left foot right food okay SIT!" isn't all that bad when thinking about everything else is the only alternative. I tried moving on. I use men for their dicks just like they use me for my body, no problem. I date assholes because I lie to myself into thinking that if I date an asshole, it won't hurt when they do assholey things. I feel like I'll never deserve a good guy because of everything I've been through. Who would want to date a whore who got pregnant at fucking 18 and killed the kid anyway? I was alone at the clinic that day. He lied to me. We were irl - long distance - irl - long distance again. He said he'd fly over and be there for me if I did get pregnant. Fucking liar. I was there alone. He was on the phone with me but then he jerked off and went to sleep. I'm not joking. The final minutes of me with my baby were spent in pain. You can't eat or drink before surgeries and I couldn't do the medication easy shit method because I'm anemic and smthsmth blood levels. Starved, thirsty and really, really woozy from the medications they gave me pre surgery. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life and I was alone. One second I'm whining in pain on the floor waiting for my turn because it was genuinely unbearable, then the next, I'm being wheelchaired into a room and face mask to the face and lights out. I wake up and my baby is gone.
He called our baby an "it" and mocked me for getting attatched. Like it was a choice. That's my fucking baby. OUR baby. He made fun of me for not smoking or drinking when I was pregnant. I told him that I'll never meet my baby. Even if she's (we never got the gender, abortions are illegal here once you start your second trimester) just a clump of cells that can't feel, I don't want to make a single possibility of her suffering. I want to treat her right, even if she ends up being killed for my selfish decisions. I wasn't even a drinker or hard smoker at the time btw. I did love a cigarette here and there or my trusty vape.
I always wanted to be a mother. I was raised by a drunkard single mom. She's still a raging alcoholic btw. She's been jobless for years. I always wanted to have a baby of my own and raise her to be a brave, courageous young woman. But I'll never get that. The surgery fucked me up and I may never be able to conceive. And even if I could, I don't want to. That wouldn't be fair to my baby. You get your first baby only once and I fucking killed it.
I keep getting played in my face by men even the ones I thought were different. My friends use me.
I'm just tired of it all. Truth be told, I'm in the middle of a fat relapse rn. I'm literally sat next to a bloodied up towel, vape in hand. Proper swag shit. I don't talk about my feelings to anyone anymore. I just can't bring myself to open up. It makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel pathetic and just gross. So here I am.
I'll probably be posting more vents or nonsense soon. I'm tired and I want to continue mutilating my arm. Okay no that's a grim way to put it lol.
