Venting I'm angry at myself for still being alive

[Avyn]

I wanted to die ever since I was 12 years old. I tried to commit a few times. And a couple of days ago I tried to hang myself while I was drunk.
Every single second for years now, I think about killing myself, I don't want to be alive.
I kept believing things might get better when I am older, because that's what everyone says, but instead I just suffered for far longer than I should have, while nothing got better.
I'm so disconnected from myself, I don't want to exist anymore. I know I have no future and I don't want one under any circumstances.
I shouldn't have lived this long, I'm SO disappointed and angry I didn't ctb when I was younger, but doing so is incredibly hard.
And when I finally feel ready, it fails. Fml

 

[FuneralCry]

I also hate the fact that I still exist, I know that I've certainly been trapped here for far too long, suicide certainly should be more straightforward for us, we deserve the option to pass away in peace without the fear of it failing, to me the thought of ctb failing really is something so horrific. Your feelings really are understandable, I'm also always wishing to be gone.

 

[Hollowman]

I wish I would've done it when I was 12 It really has been a pointless struggle to nowhere.

 

[OceanBlue]

a pointless struggle to nowhere.

A sign that should be hanging over Earth

 

[WorthlessCoward]

I know that feel

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm probably more angry at my parents that I'm alive at all- which I feel bad about because their intentions weren't bad. I just feel like they bring us here and then we feel emotionally responsible to stay despite how hard it is and how much we want to leave.

I've also been suicidal since a young age- 10 for me. However- I don't think I could have done it back then- same reason- not to hurt other people- and even more of them were alive at that point. Plus, I strongly expect most methods I considered back then would have failed- paracetamol overdose or slashing wrists- no internet back then!

Do you think you would have succeeded if you had attempted as a child? I agree- that living longer really hasn't been worth it (I'm 43.) Still- I wonder how different our lives would have been if we'd atrempted and failed back then.

 

[agonysgrin]

I wanted to die ever since I was 12 years old. I tried to commit a few times. And a couple of days ago I tried to hang myself while I was drunk.
Every single second for years now, I think about killing myself, I don't want to be alive.
I kept believing things might get better when I am older, because that's what everyone says, but instead I just suffered for far longer than I should have, while nothing got better.
I'm so disconnected from myself, I don't want to exist anymore. I know I have no future and I don't want one under any circumstances.
I shouldn't have lived this long, I'm SO disappointed and angry I didn't ctb when I was younger, but doing so is incredibly hard.
And when I finally feel ready, it fails. Fml

Man I tried to even when I was young too, over and over I started to believe my life was a damn videogame cuz I keep waking up. A lot of my friends are dead and yeah admittingly I'm jealous. How can I have the liver of steel and have had so many traumatic head injuries plus advanced RA at my age! I'm still here, people say I'm resilient or a survivor. What if I don't want to be those things. Plus they can't seem to say anything else good about me...