starboy2k
whhaazzzzzuuupppp
- May 21, 2025
- 449
Since the last time I was here, nothing has changed but the damn weather. I was so sure I was going to finally do it, made that cringey ass goodbye post and all just to walk in front of my FSH setup and stare at it, like a fucking deer in headlights, knowing if I try this time I'm for sure going to die…….and yet I'm still alive.
Why? Simple. I'm a pussy. I'm a coward. I itch for any instance where I feel I'm in control over my redundant life, I try to pounce on any opportunity to put my insecurities and fears to bed, and I fail every fucking time. I literally spend the majority of my day under the covers in my silent apartment because that is literally the only source of comfort I have left. I go outside for any reason and I feel like a damn anomaly even though I know damn well nobody is even paying attention to my dumb ass.
Nonetheless, I have come to terms with a few things since my failed attempt (can even call it an attempt). I literally didn't even try because of how scared I was of it being my final day).
I realized that my final and hopefully successful attempt would be the result of festering situational circumstances that disrupts the little comfort I have left (becoming homeless, food supply cut short). It won't be on my own accord like I have been convincing myself, but it will have to be done…and I'm at peace with that.
I realized that it would be a while before anyone even discovers my body. I have lived alone for over 6 years now. I've been isolated/isolating myself so Im not mad that no one will find me for a decent amount of time. I just know my apartment is going to REEK
.
I realized that I'm not even angry. Hell, I'm barely exhausted at the fact that I have to make this choice. I have already practiced my neck position, I already changed my method from hanging with Converse shoelaces (BAD IDEA) to hanging with a cut-up bedsheet. I know when I hang myself from that doorknob it will be the end.
It's kinda like a 2+2 thing. If I know that I hate being alive, if I know that this rat race is killing me slowly but surely, if I know that the very fucked up systems that benefits some and screws a lot of other people over is the outcome of exploitative humans being exploitative humans and I want out, then I will have to CTB.
I was told a lot that I will have to do things in life that I don't want to do………and I came to realize that suicide is one of those things. Once again, I'm not angry like I used to be, not exhausted like I used to be, not confused like I used to be, maybe I'm still just a little scared, but overall, I'm content. I have been seeing the messages people left after I disabled my account on here and I just want to say thanks. Yall left more beautiful and genuine messages for me, than my own family have
This whole post just feels like a whole nothingburger with a side of soggy ass fries and a lukewarm fizzled-out Coke Zero (the worst kind of coca-cola btw) SORRY for the faux profound jumble
Why? Simple. I'm a pussy. I'm a coward. I itch for any instance where I feel I'm in control over my redundant life, I try to pounce on any opportunity to put my insecurities and fears to bed, and I fail every fucking time. I literally spend the majority of my day under the covers in my silent apartment because that is literally the only source of comfort I have left. I go outside for any reason and I feel like a damn anomaly even though I know damn well nobody is even paying attention to my dumb ass.
Nonetheless, I have come to terms with a few things since my failed attempt (can even call it an attempt). I literally didn't even try because of how scared I was of it being my final day).
I realized that my final and hopefully successful attempt would be the result of festering situational circumstances that disrupts the little comfort I have left (becoming homeless, food supply cut short). It won't be on my own accord like I have been convincing myself, but it will have to be done…and I'm at peace with that.
I realized that it would be a while before anyone even discovers my body. I have lived alone for over 6 years now. I've been isolated/isolating myself so Im not mad that no one will find me for a decent amount of time. I just know my apartment is going to REEK
.I realized that I'm not even angry. Hell, I'm barely exhausted at the fact that I have to make this choice. I have already practiced my neck position, I already changed my method from hanging with Converse shoelaces (BAD IDEA) to hanging with a cut-up bedsheet. I know when I hang myself from that doorknob it will be the end.
It's kinda like a 2+2 thing. If I know that I hate being alive, if I know that this rat race is killing me slowly but surely, if I know that the very fucked up systems that benefits some and screws a lot of other people over is the outcome of exploitative humans being exploitative humans and I want out, then I will have to CTB.
I was told a lot that I will have to do things in life that I don't want to do………and I came to realize that suicide is one of those things. Once again, I'm not angry like I used to be, not exhausted like I used to be, not confused like I used to be, maybe I'm still just a little scared, but overall, I'm content. I have been seeing the messages people left after I disabled my account on here and I just want to say thanks. Yall left more beautiful and genuine messages for me, than my own family have
This whole post just feels like a whole nothingburger with a side of soggy ass fries and a lukewarm fizzled-out Coke Zero (the worst kind of coca-cola btw) SORRY for the faux profound jumble
