Venting I will never CTB.

[MathConspiracy]

This is the ultimate pro-life wet dream – I feel like shit but I'm hopeless about my chances of ending it. Here are some reasons why I will never exit this world unnaturally:

• Failed Attempts. I've attempted hanging so many times but I always get it wrong. I don't even have a proper rope.
• I'm Not Even Depressed. Nobody takes me seriously, that's why I cut and drink. But by doing those things I'm just digging my own grave (not in a literal sense, sadly). People will think I'm just following some dumb internet depression aesthetic. I hate those "she's crying in the moonlight" pics anyway and I'm not even depressed, at least not in the traditional sense.
• "It'll Pass". There is no point in anything and I get little pleasure from any activities. I'm stuck. And when I speak up I don't have the words to express my situation. Whenever I try, I just get a random platitude ("Everything will be okay", "These feelings will pass" etc.).
• Consequences. If I get caught attempting, I don't know which one is worse: being forced to get help or being told not to be dramatic.
• Living Is Fun. When I tell people about my passive ideation, they say that "you won't go forward with it, I'm sure". They think it makes me feel better when really I just want to kill myself more badly. They just don't understand that it is possible to not like life.
• Availability of methods. SN – welfare checks. N – get scammed. Hanging – I'll never get it right. Gas – don't have the skills nor the money. Gun – I'm not American. Train – too many people near the tracks. Buildings – the ones that are high enough are locked down, housing rich people anyway. Drowning – I don't like pain. Prescription drugs – don't own enough to OD. Illegal drugs – I'd go to jail because the police in my country have the right priorities. What could I even do? I just can't cease to exist.

Good job, pro-life lurkers. You've officially made sure that I'll die of a heart attack or some old people problems. I guess I'll just stay and do my time, be a good taxpayer, right?

 

[nails]

i'm sorry to hear you're in this position. i understand how frustrating it is, especially when the people around you doubt the severity of your ideation. for what it's worth, i don't doubt you at all. dying seems so impossible these days. i hope the people in your life manage to stop being stupid and start taking you seriously, and i hope you find some sort of peace soon. feel free to reach out if you need anything.

 

[rs929]

For these kind of moments, I like to remember I'll be fucking dead eventually anyway.
That's not to downplay our suffering but, in the grand scheme of things, life is short anyway.
So, at least, you're not stuck here forever. You don't even know if you're going to die at old age. People die all the time even at young age.

 

[queenofengland]

Life is so hard why does death have to be too?

 

[MathConspiracy]

Life is so hard why does death have to be too?

100% agree – I know it sounds crazy, but what if this is all some sort of game and the people opposing to our suicides are the villains? That'd explain why everything is so fucking hard.