I need people and wish ctb were easier

[downndone2]

I'm sorry for yet another post full of doom.

I've just all but given up but so far haven't been able to do it, not yet due to fear of scarring my grown kids and dogs.

I have been contemplating things I can do away from home and send delayed texts/emails to people to alert and get the dogs fed, etc

There is a train not far from my house and it would be deserted area and partial by belt somewhere but seems so awful. Really, desire to get F or N and just go to sleep painlessly somewhere.

I had the best life until I ruined it all several years ago. Now I can't forgive myself and Im faced with losing everything all again on top of prior losses. I fucked everything up...

In the last several weeks I have gotten back into an awful slump, unmotivated, depressed, anxious, in bed all the time, socially fucked, unhygienic, unable to sleep for more than an hr or 2 at a time because of the shitty dreams... UGH

Almost Valentine's day and another day I don't want to see the sun come up or set for. I literally lay in bed hoping I just fade into it and never have to deal with my mound of shit again

I do wish psychogenic death was more of a thing...

I need people, hardly anyone comes and i spend time pushing them away as well...

Help me...

 

[kunikuzushi]

I relate to this a lot. I'm sorry it's so dreadful for you living like this. especially like you said about ruining your life and losing everything. I'm sorry. please if you're too scared to do anything still, please be gentle with yourself for now. it's ok if you push people away. I do it all the time and it's pure agony. but you can always find strangers like me to help you when you're at your worst and have no one

 

[jodes2]

It sounds like you need antidepressants so you have enough ability to function and fix things

 

[downndone2]

I relate to this a lot. I'm sorry it's so dreadful for you living like this. especially like you said about ruining your life and losing everything. I'm sorry. please if you're too scared to do anything still, please be gentle with yourself for now. it's ok if you push people away. I do it all the time and it's pure agony. but you can always find strangers like me to help you when you're at your worst and have no one

Thanks, I feel my friends and family are going to call the law, lol. If only they knew how much I disliked myself, they would.
Strangers are my best bet at the moment

It sounds like you need antidepressants so you have enough ability to function and fix things

If you only knew what antidepressants did to me in the past... a lot of the reason what happened happened.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really so unfair how we cannot just exit peacefully, none of us should have to stay here for a second longer than we wish to. But of course it's really understandable wanting to be gone as existing really can be torture and it can be so tiring feeling trapped in this world. It certainly would be ideal if the option was there to just choose to never wake again.