I was having the time of my life with my friend earlier on a call for a creative writing project, but there will be time for me to wait because they had go do some things and they are in a different time zone.
When they arent here, I just think about dying and how I havent been able to have much accsess to my headmates/tulpas. Which I know is likely due to trauma, but that doesn't fully help when they were my life before.
I also feel traumatized thinking of my ex and wondering who they even are or what was the point of anything? Like at the start, my parents were manipulative, narcissitic, and my Dad was a pedophile as well as psychologically abusive and controlling. My ex claimed to be against this, also tried to be against their own headmate when they were hurting people, yet years later suddenly started defending pedos as "okay" and their alter as "in the right" despite previously claiming that my Dad's abuse of me was wrong BECAUSE he was an abuser and a pedophile.
When I mentioned my CSA, my ex initially acted horrified and said that he should be in jail. They tried to help me get him in prison.
Now flash forward to years later, my ex flipped and suddenly started defending pedos, claiming that even in confirmed cases with CSAM and abuse, they shouldnt go to prison. They used threats and other things to make me not come out about what they were doing, like the fact that they knew I was worried about being safe in this country and used their ability to help me move for manipulation.
It's horrifying because it makes me wonder why they even acted like it was wrong only to defend it later and they clearly have no moral principals. When I tried to poke at contradictions or ask why they dont talk about morality deeply anymore, they claimed it was because of my "BPD". As if that made any sense, since its not like that explains why they flipped on child abuse being okay.
It's also crazy how a supposedly heartless website that "encourages people to commit suicide" seemed to care more than Reddit. I had idiots victim blaming me even though I explictely mention that I had no support system and that my parents are abusive and that my ex was the only one who offered to help me and actually do anything. But people are illiterate claiming that "I choose to stay" despite being a victim of DV themselves. My friend explained it perfectly, because a lot of DV victims can be stupid or easily manipulated ("Isolated from their support system") they dont understand someone who doesn't have a choice and cant easily choose. Also, I DID try to make a gofundme and ask friends. No one else did anything. These are the same people who would have found me tragic had me Dad actually killed me like I thought he was going to after he threatened assault, but because I stayed with my ex and was scared to leave, I am "knowingly staying with a pedophile" and "deserve no sympathy".
Fuck them
I was so mad that I initially told them that theyre stupid and that hopefully the next time theyre dumb enough to choose an abuser and project that on to me, that their abuser kills them and that no one hopefully cares. Then I realized that Redditers will just get offended and it would lead to flame wars so I deleted it. But I always have the urge to send such messages like that again, just to piss them off.
It's so ironic that for a site that encourages suicide, I have gotten far more sympathy than on Reddit. I genuinely dont know where else I can talk about this, since on Discord, people either ignore me, or only comment on my post to bitch about words I use or me not fully including trigger warnings.
It sucks how much I am suffering and how much I dont want to be here right now. I went through unbearable trauma from 2020-2026, almost a decade. At first in 2025 before shit hit the fan, I was delusional enough to have hope and think maybe my trauma meant something, that my relationship with my ex was getting better. Than they left me for some french dude who enables their alter and has a fictive alter from a popular TV show who they randomly got attatched to and view as more "healthy" and would bitch and rub in my face how "healthy" their relationship is. In reality, they just like how their new partner doesn't give them any consequences or criticisms.
I wish I can just get some legal help to actually fucking do something. I tried calling one today. I gave them my info. Claimed they would call me back. Never got a call back all day. I'll try again tommorow or at least try to see what other resources exist.
Honestly, sometimes I wish more violent crime happened to people who blame and treat victims like shit, even if theyre victims themselves. If the people who blamed me get into a shooting or accident, I wont care. I'll just view it as karma. Maybe thats an exaggeration. So many of them deserve the D4vd treatment. To be fair, im likely hyperbolic right now.
Again, the irony of a "suicide forum" caring more than some actual people. I just wish I could exist somewhere else with my headmates or in some new existance where I dont feel pain. I still want justice though. People keep telling me to give up with my ex. I wont. I know ill just get worse if I do. Especially if I dont do anything because of those people and someone dare says "you didnt do anything when you could have, now you cant do anything" or whatever.
Hope no one figures out im on this forum tbh.
Also granted, obviously not all DV victims are like this. My friend more so made an observation in how flawed the idea of "isolation" tactics are and how they personally find it stupid that someone with a support system would willingly dump that to go to their abuser, compared to someone like me who didnt really have a support system and was actively being hurt by it. My Mom wouldnt be a good person for me to stay with either because she would defend and tell my Dad EVERYTHING even if I told her I was unsafe or afraid of him, sometimes making fun of me with him while I was scared and crying. She didnt even change her ways until AFTER I left. I am now close to her because she divorced him and seems safer now, but I am still very weary. She wouldnt have been someone I could have turned to at the time though since she had no reason to change until after I already left ironically enough. For some reason, me leaving is what it took for me to realize he was an awful person.
I
When they arent here, I just think about dying and how I havent been able to have much accsess to my headmates/tulpas. Which I know is likely due to trauma, but that doesn't fully help when they were my life before.
I also feel traumatized thinking of my ex and wondering who they even are or what was the point of anything? Like at the start, my parents were manipulative, narcissitic, and my Dad was a pedophile as well as psychologically abusive and controlling. My ex claimed to be against this, also tried to be against their own headmate when they were hurting people, yet years later suddenly started defending pedos as "okay" and their alter as "in the right" despite previously claiming that my Dad's abuse of me was wrong BECAUSE he was an abuser and a pedophile.
When I mentioned my CSA, my ex initially acted horrified and said that he should be in jail. They tried to help me get him in prison.
Now flash forward to years later, my ex flipped and suddenly started defending pedos, claiming that even in confirmed cases with CSAM and abuse, they shouldnt go to prison. They used threats and other things to make me not come out about what they were doing, like the fact that they knew I was worried about being safe in this country and used their ability to help me move for manipulation.
It's horrifying because it makes me wonder why they even acted like it was wrong only to defend it later and they clearly have no moral principals. When I tried to poke at contradictions or ask why they dont talk about morality deeply anymore, they claimed it was because of my "BPD". As if that made any sense, since its not like that explains why they flipped on child abuse being okay.
It's also crazy how a supposedly heartless website that "encourages people to commit suicide" seemed to care more than Reddit. I had idiots victim blaming me even though I explictely mention that I had no support system and that my parents are abusive and that my ex was the only one who offered to help me and actually do anything. But people are illiterate claiming that "I choose to stay" despite being a victim of DV themselves. My friend explained it perfectly, because a lot of DV victims can be stupid or easily manipulated ("Isolated from their support system") they dont understand someone who doesn't have a choice and cant easily choose. Also, I DID try to make a gofundme and ask friends. No one else did anything. These are the same people who would have found me tragic had me Dad actually killed me like I thought he was going to after he threatened assault, but because I stayed with my ex and was scared to leave, I am "knowingly staying with a pedophile" and "deserve no sympathy".
Fuck them
I was so mad that I initially told them that theyre stupid and that hopefully the next time theyre dumb enough to choose an abuser and project that on to me, that their abuser kills them and that no one hopefully cares. Then I realized that Redditers will just get offended and it would lead to flame wars so I deleted it. But I always have the urge to send such messages like that again, just to piss them off.
It's so ironic that for a site that encourages suicide, I have gotten far more sympathy than on Reddit. I genuinely dont know where else I can talk about this, since on Discord, people either ignore me, or only comment on my post to bitch about words I use or me not fully including trigger warnings.
It sucks how much I am suffering and how much I dont want to be here right now. I went through unbearable trauma from 2020-2026, almost a decade. At first in 2025 before shit hit the fan, I was delusional enough to have hope and think maybe my trauma meant something, that my relationship with my ex was getting better. Than they left me for some french dude who enables their alter and has a fictive alter from a popular TV show who they randomly got attatched to and view as more "healthy" and would bitch and rub in my face how "healthy" their relationship is. In reality, they just like how their new partner doesn't give them any consequences or criticisms.
I wish I can just get some legal help to actually fucking do something. I tried calling one today. I gave them my info. Claimed they would call me back. Never got a call back all day. I'll try again tommorow or at least try to see what other resources exist.
Honestly, sometimes I wish more violent crime happened to people who blame and treat victims like shit, even if theyre victims themselves. If the people who blamed me get into a shooting or accident, I wont care. I'll just view it as karma. Maybe thats an exaggeration. So many of them deserve the D4vd treatment. To be fair, im likely hyperbolic right now.
Again, the irony of a "suicide forum" caring more than some actual people. I just wish I could exist somewhere else with my headmates or in some new existance where I dont feel pain. I still want justice though. People keep telling me to give up with my ex. I wont. I know ill just get worse if I do. Especially if I dont do anything because of those people and someone dare says "you didnt do anything when you could have, now you cant do anything" or whatever.
Hope no one figures out im on this forum tbh.
Also granted, obviously not all DV victims are like this. My friend more so made an observation in how flawed the idea of "isolation" tactics are and how they personally find it stupid that someone with a support system would willingly dump that to go to their abuser, compared to someone like me who didnt really have a support system and was actively being hurt by it. My Mom wouldnt be a good person for me to stay with either because she would defend and tell my Dad EVERYTHING even if I told her I was unsafe or afraid of him, sometimes making fun of me with him while I was scared and crying. She didnt even change her ways until AFTER I left. I am now close to her because she divorced him and seems safer now, but I am still very weary. She wouldnt have been someone I could have turned to at the time though since she had no reason to change until after I already left ironically enough. For some reason, me leaving is what it took for me to realize he was an awful person.
I
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