Synfrome
"normal" "well-adjusted" member of society
- Apr 18, 2023
- 16
I hit what I believed to be rock bottom before several years ago where I planned my suicide but clearly I had no fucking clue what rock bottom actually was. At that point I was a miserable teenager riddled with untreated mental illness and neurodivergence but at least I had my parents to depend on despite their dysfunction. Now I'm properly on my own. While at university I found out my stepdad has been going senile. We don't know what's wrong with him but it's probably early onset Alzheimers or Parkinsons (he's only 52.) My mum was already in the process of divorcing him after he spent years abusing the both of us, but now she's stuck as his carer.
Because of the stress of having to care for her husband who literally pisses all over the kitchen floor because he can't control his bladder plus being the sole earner for the household has pushed her to her breaking point. I'm trying to be as calm and attentive and accommodating as possible but she's been taking it out on me and even threatened to kick me out for being trans. Oh yeah, being trans in the country I'm in is really fun. Recently there were new laws passed that made it so that people have to use single sex facilities corresponding to their "biological sex" ie they want to push trans people further out the public sphere. That's on top of the absurd amount of money I'm going to have to somehow earn through commissions (my only income) to access private HRT because the waiting lists on the public health service are anywhere between 5 - 10 years.
To avoid my ailing stepdad I'm staying at my grandparents. They're lovely and kind but they misgender and deadname me all the time even after having repeated reminders from my mum. I understand it's a struggle for older people but I feel like I can't be myself here. On top of that I have two unfinished university assignments that I've managed to get extended until August but with my severe ADHD/Autism burnout from everything else going on I'm struggling immensely to do any work at all. I feel trapped no matter where I go.
My life feels like a fucking prison. I'm suffocating. The only good thing in it is my boyfriend and I can't even open up to him without my habitual depersonalisation kicking in because I have so much emotional baggage from previous relationships. I don't know how he puts up with me tbh, I know I wouldn't. I don't feel like a human being. I'm scared I'm becoming the walls I put up to protect myself from other people. I'm stressed, anxious and paranoid from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. I will legitimately lose it if I live like this much longer. I want to die. I want to stop hurting.
Because of the stress of having to care for her husband who literally pisses all over the kitchen floor because he can't control his bladder plus being the sole earner for the household has pushed her to her breaking point. I'm trying to be as calm and attentive and accommodating as possible but she's been taking it out on me and even threatened to kick me out for being trans. Oh yeah, being trans in the country I'm in is really fun. Recently there were new laws passed that made it so that people have to use single sex facilities corresponding to their "biological sex" ie they want to push trans people further out the public sphere. That's on top of the absurd amount of money I'm going to have to somehow earn through commissions (my only income) to access private HRT because the waiting lists on the public health service are anywhere between 5 - 10 years.
To avoid my ailing stepdad I'm staying at my grandparents. They're lovely and kind but they misgender and deadname me all the time even after having repeated reminders from my mum. I understand it's a struggle for older people but I feel like I can't be myself here. On top of that I have two unfinished university assignments that I've managed to get extended until August but with my severe ADHD/Autism burnout from everything else going on I'm struggling immensely to do any work at all. I feel trapped no matter where I go.
My life feels like a fucking prison. I'm suffocating. The only good thing in it is my boyfriend and I can't even open up to him without my habitual depersonalisation kicking in because I have so much emotional baggage from previous relationships. I don't know how he puts up with me tbh, I know I wouldn't. I don't feel like a human being. I'm scared I'm becoming the walls I put up to protect myself from other people. I'm stressed, anxious and paranoid from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. I will legitimately lose it if I live like this much longer. I want to die. I want to stop hurting.
