deadpornstarr!
fated to pretend
- May 20, 2026
- 13
title .
im living in like my eighth home now or some shit , (im 19 if that context matters here) ...
i ran away from my "biological family" (oppressive made-up bullshit) to live with people i actually liked to be around . but i keep abandoning them too just because of the horrendous amount of trauma triggers i've built up everybody has to walk on eggshells around me . and now im . kind of happy in this house . like i have been before , fleetingly
theres nothing wrong really . but its making me so sick to my stomach that im always so stuck . i keep needing people's help to get away . im jobless and broke and i can't drive i cant do anything myself . theres no reason for me to want to leave this house . but its making me feel horrible that i cant leave it . even if i wanted to i cant leave it . and part of me does want to . part of me really just wishes she could live in a car all on her own just to get away from all these people . i hate being seen and known , so bad . i dont know
i dont know if any of this is rational . because its super late right now because i cant sleep at all . im tired of being so reliant on people . i feel so tiny and powerless and just awful .
i used to have a bridge in walking distance , that i could go overlook in the night when i needed to get away . now thats not even available . i dont even know if i can sneak out of this new house at night that well . because the guy im staying with knows that i self harm and that i have suicidal thoughts and i hate myself and he's hellbent on helping me now . so im just stuck . i miss visiting the bridge at night . i miss it a lot
something about the daydreams of throwing myself off of it , underneath all the stars, its weirdly nostalgic and i miss it
i want to get away from the world . i want to go somewhere where its just me and the night sky and the ambient sounds of everybody else just so far away .
i dont like people . i dont even like typing this post . why does my writing and my speech never feel like my voice , this isnt me. this is stupid . im stuck in this stupid vessel that i hate i hate it . if my body was a separate person from me id kill her over and over again i hate her so much . whatever . ramble post
positive news: walked the dog today and cuddled with her after
im living in like my eighth home now or some shit , (im 19 if that context matters here) ...
i ran away from my "biological family" (oppressive made-up bullshit) to live with people i actually liked to be around . but i keep abandoning them too just because of the horrendous amount of trauma triggers i've built up everybody has to walk on eggshells around me . and now im . kind of happy in this house . like i have been before , fleetingly
theres nothing wrong really . but its making me so sick to my stomach that im always so stuck . i keep needing people's help to get away . im jobless and broke and i can't drive i cant do anything myself . theres no reason for me to want to leave this house . but its making me feel horrible that i cant leave it . even if i wanted to i cant leave it . and part of me does want to . part of me really just wishes she could live in a car all on her own just to get away from all these people . i hate being seen and known , so bad . i dont know
i dont know if any of this is rational . because its super late right now because i cant sleep at all . im tired of being so reliant on people . i feel so tiny and powerless and just awful .
i used to have a bridge in walking distance , that i could go overlook in the night when i needed to get away . now thats not even available . i dont even know if i can sneak out of this new house at night that well . because the guy im staying with knows that i self harm and that i have suicidal thoughts and i hate myself and he's hellbent on helping me now . so im just stuck . i miss visiting the bridge at night . i miss it a lot
something about the daydreams of throwing myself off of it , underneath all the stars, its weirdly nostalgic and i miss it
i want to get away from the world . i want to go somewhere where its just me and the night sky and the ambient sounds of everybody else just so far away .
i dont like people . i dont even like typing this post . why does my writing and my speech never feel like my voice , this isnt me. this is stupid . im stuck in this stupid vessel that i hate i hate it . if my body was a separate person from me id kill her over and over again i hate her so much . whatever . ramble post
positive news: walked the dog today and cuddled with her after
