Renv1o_
Student
- May 10, 2023
- 128
My gf keeps oding, picking apart their body and cutting and it's low-key triggering me to hell and back. I started recovering FOR them (they told me they'd leave me otherwise) and I always keep those thoughts to myself, especially when I'm with them- but I seem to be the first person she shows and tells during darker moments. I can't take it.
If I express any form of low self esteem, they get mad and say that they envy me- (I don't want that! i want to be equal.)
Yet they compare their body and scars openly to mine and scan my body for any sign or relapse- And i've done nothing but be there each time they've relapsed, each time they skip meals. I've told her I'd rather we keep the ugly details out of conversations (or we'd trigger eachother) but it's never really followed.
She'll compare her struggles with mine and it always feels like she wants to be "sicker" than me the moment I even hint I'm struggling…or that I shouldn't feel badly about myself, since she is "objectively: uglier, fatter, sadder, more talentless" (her words.)
Meanwhile, I cant feel anything but love for her whenever she vents. All my insecurities are out the window and I want nothing more than to ease her own.
I confessed (drunkenly) that I wanted to die months ago, and she insisted that she'd also ctb if I did so and would NEVER forgive me. I feel so alone and trapped.
I know this whole things sounds very accusatory, like I should just cut ties if I'm so unhappy- But I've known this person for years and years. At one point, they were the only one I could feel human around. I just want to ease these feelings of unspoken competition. We are similar to a fault in our self destruction and it's only getting harder to ignore and work around.
If I express any form of low self esteem, they get mad and say that they envy me- (I don't want that! i want to be equal.)
Yet they compare their body and scars openly to mine and scan my body for any sign or relapse- And i've done nothing but be there each time they've relapsed, each time they skip meals. I've told her I'd rather we keep the ugly details out of conversations (or we'd trigger eachother) but it's never really followed.
She'll compare her struggles with mine and it always feels like she wants to be "sicker" than me the moment I even hint I'm struggling…or that I shouldn't feel badly about myself, since she is "objectively: uglier, fatter, sadder, more talentless" (her words.)
Meanwhile, I cant feel anything but love for her whenever she vents. All my insecurities are out the window and I want nothing more than to ease her own.
I confessed (drunkenly) that I wanted to die months ago, and she insisted that she'd also ctb if I did so and would NEVER forgive me. I feel so alone and trapped.
I know this whole things sounds very accusatory, like I should just cut ties if I'm so unhappy- But I've known this person for years and years. At one point, they were the only one I could feel human around. I just want to ease these feelings of unspoken competition. We are similar to a fault in our self destruction and it's only getting harder to ignore and work around.
