suicidewristrag
New Member
- Jun 18, 2026
- 2
It all started back in early May, I (19M) was in a healthy relationship and had two other mutual friends that I was extremely close with. All of us were part of the same classes in uni and did almost everything there together apart from when we were doing lab work.
I had a problem with the relationship though. She was asexual, I was not. And reading it probably sounds like the most petty "problem" I could come up with but it was genuinely affecting me to the point of considering breaking up because of it, suppressing one's desire is painful and it all was building up to a point where I was despising seeing her because of all the thoughts that came up when she was around.
So one day we decided to hang out near where she lived to eat something and have a walk around the beach, like we usually did, and it was very nice! We ate in a great cafe and went to a shopping mall to talk to a friend who worked there and then we went to the beach to watch the waves.
It was all so great, all I wanted at the time was to finish the day listening to the waves as I kissed her. Except she didn't want to. I was thrown off by her not being in the mood, so much so that I froze for like 15 minutes all while she was crying, terrified that I would end things there. I should've.
When I came to my senses I told her not to worry, I wasn't gonna break up with her there for that reason, and she was happy to hear that, so much so we started kissing just like I wanted to. Except that wasn't enough, I wanted more. So much so I ended up touching her without consent.
We broke up after, obviously, I also didn't want to force her to do anything more for me, not like I deserved anything after what I've done, so I just avoided her at uni and only spoke to her when she asked something. I was ashamed and disappointed with myself, I wasn't someone I could rely on anymore, so why would I continue with things knowing that nothing would repair the damage I've done?
Due to our proximity we had to tell eventually of our breakup to our two other friends, and they were very open to it, I for once opened up to them two saying that my depression had worsened because of the breakup and I was feeling suicidal, and they assured me that no matter what happens we would always have each other's back and whatever.
The breakup was at the time going smoothly and we were close to considering each other as friends once again, except for the fact that my mind was a war zone, I didn't deserve that, all I wanted was to jump off a bridge and be done with this life, I fucked up and I don't deserve a second chance.
It all came to a moment with her where I just exploded, I told her that seeing her was hurting me and that I wanted her out of my life, she responded as well as you can guess. Later that day I tried to CTB via night-night (horrible method btw) and did the rookie mistake of texting who I'll call friend "1" on the spot instead of scheduling an email. They got in contact with my family and they came in to intervene and took most of my stuff from me.
The following days I got really close with friend "1" and distanced myself from my ex and friend "2", to the point where we were going on discord calls daily to help with my loneliness and family problems, I'll admit, I was relying on them for the time being
However, that wouldn't last as friend "1" and "2" got me along a discord call where they told me they were going to distance themselves from me because of my ex and my relationship with her. I obviously got angry and told them that wasn't going to land them anywhere, but they were set on their decision.
One day after I tried to CTB yet again, this time at a bridge near my house, I did the rookie mistake yet again, and yet again my family got me before the SI went away. They both blocked me afterwards, and still haven't said a word to me ever since.
Here we are now, can't go to uni because I can't stand to be near them, can't enjoy myself on my own because I feel guilty doing it and can't CTB because I don't live alone and my family monitors my almost every move now after these two attempts. I'm in hell and the worst part is I deserved every bit of it.
I had a problem with the relationship though. She was asexual, I was not. And reading it probably sounds like the most petty "problem" I could come up with but it was genuinely affecting me to the point of considering breaking up because of it, suppressing one's desire is painful and it all was building up to a point where I was despising seeing her because of all the thoughts that came up when she was around.
So one day we decided to hang out near where she lived to eat something and have a walk around the beach, like we usually did, and it was very nice! We ate in a great cafe and went to a shopping mall to talk to a friend who worked there and then we went to the beach to watch the waves.
It was all so great, all I wanted at the time was to finish the day listening to the waves as I kissed her. Except she didn't want to. I was thrown off by her not being in the mood, so much so that I froze for like 15 minutes all while she was crying, terrified that I would end things there. I should've.
When I came to my senses I told her not to worry, I wasn't gonna break up with her there for that reason, and she was happy to hear that, so much so we started kissing just like I wanted to. Except that wasn't enough, I wanted more. So much so I ended up touching her without consent.
We broke up after, obviously, I also didn't want to force her to do anything more for me, not like I deserved anything after what I've done, so I just avoided her at uni and only spoke to her when she asked something. I was ashamed and disappointed with myself, I wasn't someone I could rely on anymore, so why would I continue with things knowing that nothing would repair the damage I've done?
Due to our proximity we had to tell eventually of our breakup to our two other friends, and they were very open to it, I for once opened up to them two saying that my depression had worsened because of the breakup and I was feeling suicidal, and they assured me that no matter what happens we would always have each other's back and whatever.
The breakup was at the time going smoothly and we were close to considering each other as friends once again, except for the fact that my mind was a war zone, I didn't deserve that, all I wanted was to jump off a bridge and be done with this life, I fucked up and I don't deserve a second chance.
It all came to a moment with her where I just exploded, I told her that seeing her was hurting me and that I wanted her out of my life, she responded as well as you can guess. Later that day I tried to CTB via night-night (horrible method btw) and did the rookie mistake of texting who I'll call friend "1" on the spot instead of scheduling an email. They got in contact with my family and they came in to intervene and took most of my stuff from me.
The following days I got really close with friend "1" and distanced myself from my ex and friend "2", to the point where we were going on discord calls daily to help with my loneliness and family problems, I'll admit, I was relying on them for the time being
However, that wouldn't last as friend "1" and "2" got me along a discord call where they told me they were going to distance themselves from me because of my ex and my relationship with her. I obviously got angry and told them that wasn't going to land them anywhere, but they were set on their decision.
One day after I tried to CTB yet again, this time at a bridge near my house, I did the rookie mistake yet again, and yet again my family got me before the SI went away. They both blocked me afterwards, and still haven't said a word to me ever since.
Here we are now, can't go to uni because I can't stand to be near them, can't enjoy myself on my own because I feel guilty doing it and can't CTB because I don't live alone and my family monitors my almost every move now after these two attempts. I'm in hell and the worst part is I deserved every bit of it.
