N
noname223
Angelic
- Aug 18, 2020
- 4,996
I am not really stable this evening. I have some paranoid thoughts I might share it in another thread. But first this one. One of my delusions is that I think the people around me (for example in college) recognize that I am mentally ill.
I had this thought once in an extreme way. I was once very paranoid at college. I openly talked with some people about insane bullying delusions. I thought everyone of my peers had noticed it. I was very loud when I talked about it. I think some people had knowledge for sure. The once with whom I explicitly talked about it..some have understood that I am ill. But most did not give a fuck. Most people ignored it and found it kind of funny. I had the delusion everyone would bully me in the worst way (which was not true). One incident was so funny. There was this dude I liked him. I collapsed in front of him. Talked about really insane shit. The next day he said wow you had a nervous breakdown (no illness) yesterday is everything fine again? Like it was so obvious that I am mentally ill and he just catagorized it as a normal nervous breakdown. Most people don't know anything about mental illness. This is at least my conclusion. If they know about something it might be depression. But about bipolar or psychosis many only know stereotypes. I mean many people think being schizophrenic means having multiple personalites. I even met people who were schizophrenic who had this thought.
This all triggered me extremely. The thoughts about who has noticed my illness. I also interacted with women in embarrassing ways during my psychotic episode. I felt EXTREMELY ashamed about that afterwards (I think on an objective scale it was not that extremely cringey but the shame afterwards is also pathological). It is normal to feel embarrassed after a manic episode. It almost drove me to kill myself. If I did not go to a clinic I might would be dead already. I think I cannot cope with another crash after the next manic episode. This why I am already planning my suicide in case this happens.
Solely these thoughts make me quite suicidal. Yeah but back to the topic. I think many people don't have a clue about mental illness. Many only know stereotypes. Maybe depression and anxiety disorder are more present than other conditions. Especially with schizophrenia, psychosis and bipolar I have made some nasty experiences. People are doubting your sanity quite fast. This is at least my personal experience. But I had also some positive. When you tell people you have depression/ or that you are mentally ill most people act like "oh that is bad, that is really bad". But often there are no more comments. Most people live in their own bubble. Many don't want to be confronted with too much negativity. I try to differentiate with the people who act like "oh that is horrible" with people who really have empathy and compassion. I think I am quite good about assessing who is really compassionate. To these people I can talk openly. I try to keep it a secret in front of other people. Some people are not judgmental. But they are rather the minority in my personal experience. This is why I like the empathetic people even way more. It is a very good deed not being judgmental about something you barely know anything about.
I am thankful for my good friends and that I also have made some positive experiences. However also got really nasty comments and replies. I only feel disdain for those people. And I try to think of them as scum. Only scum makes fun about mentally ill/vulnerable people. People who do that are trash and pathetic. They don't deserve our attention.
How much do you think know the average people about mental illness? Do they mostly only know stereotypes?
I had this thought once in an extreme way. I was once very paranoid at college. I openly talked with some people about insane bullying delusions. I thought everyone of my peers had noticed it. I was very loud when I talked about it. I think some people had knowledge for sure. The once with whom I explicitly talked about it..some have understood that I am ill. But most did not give a fuck. Most people ignored it and found it kind of funny. I had the delusion everyone would bully me in the worst way (which was not true). One incident was so funny. There was this dude I liked him. I collapsed in front of him. Talked about really insane shit. The next day he said wow you had a nervous breakdown (no illness) yesterday is everything fine again? Like it was so obvious that I am mentally ill and he just catagorized it as a normal nervous breakdown. Most people don't know anything about mental illness. This is at least my conclusion. If they know about something it might be depression. But about bipolar or psychosis many only know stereotypes. I mean many people think being schizophrenic means having multiple personalites. I even met people who were schizophrenic who had this thought.
This all triggered me extremely. The thoughts about who has noticed my illness. I also interacted with women in embarrassing ways during my psychotic episode. I felt EXTREMELY ashamed about that afterwards (I think on an objective scale it was not that extremely cringey but the shame afterwards is also pathological). It is normal to feel embarrassed after a manic episode. It almost drove me to kill myself. If I did not go to a clinic I might would be dead already. I think I cannot cope with another crash after the next manic episode. This why I am already planning my suicide in case this happens.
Solely these thoughts make me quite suicidal. Yeah but back to the topic. I think many people don't have a clue about mental illness. Many only know stereotypes. Maybe depression and anxiety disorder are more present than other conditions. Especially with schizophrenia, psychosis and bipolar I have made some nasty experiences. People are doubting your sanity quite fast. This is at least my personal experience. But I had also some positive. When you tell people you have depression/ or that you are mentally ill most people act like "oh that is bad, that is really bad". But often there are no more comments. Most people live in their own bubble. Many don't want to be confronted with too much negativity. I try to differentiate with the people who act like "oh that is horrible" with people who really have empathy and compassion. I think I am quite good about assessing who is really compassionate. To these people I can talk openly. I try to keep it a secret in front of other people. Some people are not judgmental. But they are rather the minority in my personal experience. This is why I like the empathetic people even way more. It is a very good deed not being judgmental about something you barely know anything about.
I am thankful for my good friends and that I also have made some positive experiences. However also got really nasty comments and replies. I only feel disdain for those people. And I try to think of them as scum. Only scum makes fun about mentally ill/vulnerable people. People who do that are trash and pathetic. They don't deserve our attention.
How much do you think know the average people about mental illness? Do they mostly only know stereotypes?
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