Venting bday / i can't exist in a world where no one cares

[nails]

everyone says that things get so much easier when you realize that no one actually cares. i understand it to an extent, like making that realization will prevent you from making connections so you can avoid the inevitable grief and hurt and betrayal that humans bring. it doesn't make me feel better at all, though. i've been friendless for about a year and i just feel worse. i can't handle being this lonely, and it's impossible to connect with others because i'm horrible. i definitely could've pushed through if someone had stuck around, but of course, no one truly cares and that's what makes me feel even worse. idk if i believe that everyone is just careless, but it makes me feel better. realistically, i'm just unlovable and that's why no one sticks around

i feel really pathetic. work was very easy but i couldn't stop crying, i just looked pathetic in front of everyone. ive been home for a while and i still can't stop crying, but at least i can cut or something. of course, my boss kept asking why i didn't use a vacation day for my bday. these conversations hurt so much. if i stayed home, i would've been sobbing in bed with no one to talk to. i already do that every night.

i hate my birthday, just another horrible reminder of how alone i am. nothing changes and no one's affected if i die tonight. at worst, i'll just inconvenience those who live with me.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I'm so sorry you have to go through that. If you need someone to talk to just know I'm available.

 

[lilypeaches]

Many people always make a big deal out of their birthday and think everyone does so too. I wish they understood just bc they have a huge social circle with people that care for them that it doesn't mean everyone else does as well and that it's a sensitive topic for some people. Your boss should have stopped asking after the first time. It's your vacation day and you can choose when to spend it. I feel the same way about my birthday. I'm always remembering everyone's birthdays and waiting until midnight to say hbd, but hardly anyone does the same for me. I thought I had at least one person that cared, but he forgot my birthday and only realized bc I wasn't talking. My family even celebrated on my birthday WITHOUT me. I've spent every birthday since 15 crying all night.

 

[nails]

Many people always make a big deal out of their birthday and think everyone does so too. I wish they understood just bc they have a huge social circle with people that care for them that it doesn't mean everyone else does as well and that it's a sensitive topic for some people. Your boss should have stopped asking after the first time. It's your vacation day and you can choose when to spend it. I feel the same way about my birthday. I'm always remembering everyone's birthdays and waiting until midnight to say hbd, but hardly anyone does the same for me. I thought I had at least one person that cared, but he forgot my birthday and only realized bc I wasn't talking. My family even celebrated on my birthday WITHOUT me. I've spent every birthday since 15 crying all night.

i'm sorry your birthdays have been so rough, i understand how you feel. people just suck no one seems to really care. i hope things can improve for you soon and/or you find peace. wishing you all the best