Venting bday / i can't exist in a world where no one cares

[nails]

everyone says that things get so much easier when you realize that no one actually cares. i understand it to an extent, like making that realization will prevent you from making connections so you can avoid the inevitable grief and hurt and betrayal that humans bring. it doesn't make me feel better at all, though. i've been friendless for about a year and i just feel worse. i can't handle being this lonely, and it's impossible to connect with others because i'm horrible. i definitely could've pushed through if someone had stuck around, but of course, no one truly cares and that's what makes me feel even worse. idk if i believe that everyone is just careless, but it makes me feel better. realistically, i'm just unlovable and that's why no one sticks around

i feel really pathetic. work was very easy but i couldn't stop crying, i just looked pathetic in front of everyone. ive been home for a while and i still can't stop crying, but at least i can cut or something. of course, my boss kept asking why i didn't use a vacation day for my bday. these conversations hurt so much. if i stayed home, i would've been sobbing in bed with no one to talk to. i already do that every night.

i hate my birthday, just another horrible reminder of how alone i am. nothing changes and no one's affected if i die tonight. at worst, i'll just inconvenience those who live with me.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I'm so sorry you have to go through that. If you need someone to talk to just know I'm available.