Anybody else functionally suicidal?

[Gamelle]

I have a job. I have a social life. I'm active and volunteer a lot. I'm on a board for a volunteer organization. I'm always busy. Always doing something. I still want to kill myself. I keep busy in hopes that it will make the years pass faster. It actually kind of works, but when I have a free weekend with nothing planned- I'm miserable. Freedom gives me time to think. To ruminate on my past. That's when I remember exactly why I want to die so bad. I can only run away from my thoughts when I'm busy. Every night before I fall asleep, and every weekend I have nothing to do, I remember. I don't do well at work because I'm passionate about my job. I do well because throwing myself into something occupies my brain and helps me forget for a while.

It's an exhausting cycle, and I can't wait for it to be over. I can't imagine doing this for another 10-15 years, but I don't feel like I have a choice until my mother passes. There's no "getting better" because I don't want to die because of my present life circumstances. I want to die because of painful past memories and childhood trauma. A great life now just doesn't make up for it, and instinctively, I think I always knew that. I kept telling myself that once everything fell into place I'd be happy, but I knew it was a lie even when I was working hard to get to this place. It makes the waiting a little more bearable at least.

I'm going to clean the house from top to bottom tomorrow. Go over some details for some projects at work. Blast a podcast and go for a run. I just can't sit still or lay around doing nothing. It just leads to tears, tears and more tears and it takes me days to pull myself out of it.

 

[Pale_Rider]

i used to be semi functional. lol not so much anymore.

 

[curiouscvnt]

100% yes.
Do you wish you could talk about it with people who know you? I do. My greatest wish, second only to ending my life, is to give the people in my life opportunity for better closure rather than just the shock that killing myself with absolutely no sort of warning or gesture would give them.

 

[Defenestrator]

I wasn't but I am now, I had a period of recovery I guess but I'm now a functioning member of society - at least on the surface.
It's annoying because even when I have no tangible reason to be suicidal it keeps coming back and no matter how much I try to keep going I do honestly think my life will end by my own hand.

 

[hang in there]

I have a fulltime job on an ambulance. It gets pretty weird to be on the other side of the equation when we get our nightly suicidal call. Basically everybody at this job hates their lives and jokes half seriously about killing themselves. I get to see every time and every way how somebody fucks it up.

 

[other-ghost]

I feel you, that's how i am rn. I'm productive and all, i am very active in organization and volunteering, i have a great GPA, generally active and productive. But i still want to kms so bad, this thought has been with me for the past 5 years or so. For me, maybe it's not about my past or trauma, maybe my brain has been defected in a way i couldnt fix, that's why I'm so prone to being suicidal every time i had a moment to *think*. if i had any moment for myself, ctb-ing is just the only thing on my mind. its tiring

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I'm not the most active person, but I try to do something fun or interesting on a daily basis, including going for walks. If I couldn't do anything except being a piece of crap lying on the bed, definitely someone would make me the favor of killing me (if I wasn't capable of doing it myself).

 

[orpheus_]

Yes. I had a few-month period of being pretty much nonfunctional but other than that, I can relate. It honestly sometimes makes me feel like "I don't have it bad enough" and I shouldn't be getting any help. I still prefer being able to do anything than not functioning at all, because at least I can pass the time quicker while doing things and feeling like I'm useful to others. But it feels lonely. I'm just terrified of failing others and being a burden to them, there are people who depend on my help and I try to function only because of that. But deep inside I just want to disappear

 

[Gamelle]

100% yes.
Do you wish you could talk about it with people who know you? I do. My greatest wish, second only to ending my life, is to give the people in my life opportunity for better closure rather than just the shock that killing myself with absolutely no sort of warning or gesture would give them.

I used to talk about it with my mother, but a lot of my childhood trauma is partially a byproduct of stupid decisions she made, so I don't anymore because it just makes her feel bad

Otherwise, no I don't like to talk about it with others. I don't see the value in it. The past is etched in stone and can never be changed. I just have to live it (or not).

 

[Jade10666]

I feel you on rhis

I am generally okay in life no chronic pain or depression etc. I sometimes don't relate to peoples lives here because generally things are good

Yet every so often I become suicidal. I did make an attempt when I was a teenager but there is no reason for me to CTB. Yet I probably will. Sometimes it feels it will be tomorrow and then it goes back to sometime in the future

It means I have my hanging kit ready to go and it's been planned out but maybe tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Or it just imposes on me someday day it will now

 

[Gamelle]

I feel you on rhis

I am generally okay in life no chronic pain or depression etc. I sometimes don't relate to peoples lives here because generally things are good

Yet every so often I become suicidal. I did make an attempt when I was a teenager but there is no reason for me to CTB. Yet I probably will. Sometimes it feels it will be tomorrow and then it goes back to sometime in the future

It means I have my hanging kit ready to go and it's been planned out but maybe tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Or it just imposes on me someday day it will now

Same. It comes and goes. When I'm engaged and busy, I can actually forget. I get so focused. But any amount of downtime brings it roaring back. It's a daily cycle. I don't know how I've made it this far.

 

[v0id]

me. it's insane. i used to be under this illusion that if i will achieve certain considerably great things in life, i would be better. if i got out of my house, i'd do good. but no. despite me achieving all that and even better, i still feel like shit and even worse than before. i am at my all time low, but externally i suppose i don't show much. i know i should be better but i am not. it's only recently that i'm experiencing academic lapses that are a little serious, which is surprising as i have felt like this for so many years now. i just feel more and more like shit because i have gotten mostly what i wanted; what more do i want? i just think that nothing could fill the void and that i am simply not meant for living. it's like so long as i am me, no matter how good i have it, i will still suffer. i am simply beyond repair.

i just wish it will all end, man. i wish i can disappear. i wish i can kill myself. i have no hopes left in me. i don't even see a future where i am alive. i don't know why it still hasn't ended. i am not even curious about how my life will unfold, even in the smallest possibility that it will become better. i am just tired and i need it to end.

 

[wham311]

Not functional.

 

[FoxSauce]

Stable somewhat (thanks to the meds) but maybe that can change later on. My moods can change.

 

[divinemistress36]

I have a fulltime job on an ambulance. It gets pretty weird to be on the other side of the equation when we get our nightly suicidal call. Basically everybody at this job hates their lives and jokes half seriously about killing themselves. I get to see every time and every way how somebody fucks it up.

I imagine a lot first responders have ptsd

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Oh yeah, that's me, all the time. If I didn't have a few people needing me financially I would end it, right now. In fact at the moment if I had the means it would be now right this minute.

 

[Gamelle]

Oh yeah, that's me, all the time. If I didn't have a few people needing me financially I would end it, right now. In fact at the moment if I had the means it would be now right this minute.

Same here. The only thing, and I mean the only thing, keeping me here is that my mother will rely on me for eldercare and I already help support her financially. I could have anywhere from 1-15 years left here depending. It is what it is I guess. That's part of the reason I'm functional I guess. Keeping myself busy in the meantime helps the years go faster.

 

[curiouscvnt]

i am not even curious about how my life will unfold, even in the smallest possibility that it will become better. i am just tired and i need it to end.

ah yes the curiosity part (fuck hope; curiosity is actually the thing if anything that can will someone to not end their life) -- Can you remember a time when you did feel curious about your future? / What might have changed?

i can feel curious (even convince myself to be the slightest bit curious) about my life in the next day, week, or year, but not beyond ~2 years. I am not curious about what my life could be like in 5 years; i don't want to get there. But i guess i don't mind too much the idea of sticking around for one year more. It might have something to do with the fact that i can convince myself that i may appreciate and be able to suffer while continuing to function independently for ~2 years, and not much longer, since i feel dread along with the absence of curiosity about my future >2 years out.

 

[Gamelle]

I am a bit curious about what the world will be like in the coming years. Will the economy really crash? Will we actually have WWIII? Will AI take over and become AGI? Will we cure cancer? Will there be another pandemic?

Keeping up with world news also helps the waiting feel a little less tedious. I feel like a spectator of the world if that makes sense.

 

[JesiBel]

I can't leave the daily routine.. As long as I can be useful to others while I am in this world.. any distraction is good. I guess it makes me feel like my existence at least did some good, for now.

 

[Knoc]

Not really, every family member and even my "Friends* consider .me a lunatic

 

[Scythe]

I can function well, I have to function, else everyone in real life will know and I am not having that conversation with them. Ever. It's not that tiring currently, since I have a lot of free time but there was a period of time where I couldn't do anything aside from daily body mainteance and play video games that I play to pass time because that's the only thing I could bare to do.

 

[Pale_Rider]

My suicidal thoughts have been bursting from me for some time. I'm functional, but just barely.

 

[Tumblewillow]

I'm the same. Spend all week looking forward to the weekend and then the days off are horrific. I've started calling Saturday "suicidal saturday" because everything just catches up. And then the cycle of going to bed early to be kept awake until 2 hours before you have to get up from hours of unstoppable rumination.

I control my life, but my brain is just running a horror sideshow on its own and making it torture

 

[Zaphkiel]

You're in a better situation than me andi consider myself okayish in life.
I have no friend but i still fréquent people from time to time. I do fréquent board game nights ( 1/week or 1/ 2 week). A couple gaming session per week top.
Have a job, own my place. Love my cat.

Other than that it's a brutal void. I crave nothing. Im current l'y in paid leave because I was force to take them, having accumulated them to the cap.

I'm bored af.
I have no passion left and I wonder if I can even feels love for what it's worth. I'm basically waiting for time to pass.

And once again I think i' m blessed with such situation. But it lacks a purpose.

 

[Gamelle]

I'm the same. Spend all week looking forward to the weekend and then the days off are horrific. I've started calling Saturday "suicidal saturday" because everything just catches up. And then the cycle of going to bed early to be kept awake until 2 hours before you have to get up from hours of unstoppable rumination.

I control my life, but my brain is just running a horror sideshow on its own and making it torture

Have you ever thought of getting into video games to combat it? That's what I've been thinking about doing.

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

I'm totally unfunctional and see no future for me due to childhood trauma as well. I'm so miserable and useless.

I feel you on rhis

I am generally okay in life no chronic pain or depression etc. I sometimes don't relate to peoples lives here because generally things are good

Yet every so often I become suicidal. I did make an attempt when I was a teenager but there is no reason for me to CTB. Yet I probably will. Sometimes it feels it will be tomorrow and then it goes back to sometime in the future

It means I have my hanging kit ready to go and it's been planned out but maybe tomorrow or next week or a year from now. Or it just imposes on me someday day it will now

Aren't you scared from hanging? It's painful and if you fail targeting the sweet spot correctly, the consequences will leave you more miserable than ever.

 

[quietbird]

I have a job. I have a social life. I'm active and volunteer a lot. I'm on a board for a volunteer organization. I'm always busy. Always doing something. I still want to kill myself. I keep busy in hopes that it will make the years pass faster. It actually kind of works, but when I have a free weekend with nothing planned- I'm miserable. Freedom gives me time to think. To ruminate on my past. That's when I remember exactly why I want to die so bad. I can only run away from my thoughts when I'm busy. Every night before I fall asleep, and every weekend I have nothing to do, I remember. I don't do well at work because I'm passionate about my job. I do well because throwing myself into something occupies my brain and helps me forget for a while.

It's an exhausting cycle, and I can't wait for it to be over. I can't imagine doing this for another 10-15 years, but I don't feel like I have a choice until my mother passes. There's no "getting better" because I don't want to die because of my present life circumstances. I want to die because of painful past memories and childhood trauma. A great life now just doesn't make up for it, and instinctively, I think I always knew that. I kept telling myself that once everything fell into place I'd be happy, but I knew it was a lie even when I was working hard to get to this place. It makes the waiting a little more bearable at least.

I'm going to clean the house from top to bottom tomorrow. Go over some details for some projects at work. Blast a podcast and go for a run. I just can't sit still or lay around doing nothing. It just leads to tears, tears and more tears and it takes me days to pull myself out of it.

You sound strong, but I know that doesn't lessen the pain you feel... Talk therapy or journaling can help purge away the things that have a hold on you. I say that only because it's been so true for me, and usually nothing works for me. I have a couple other thoughts... you can pm me if you want, even just to talk.

 

[hang in there]

I imagine a lot first responders have ptsd

Funnily enough I never got PTSD from this job but I started working it already carrying a PTSD diagnosis from childhood abuse
There have definitely been very rough and traumatic points especially pediatric calls but I already know how to handle trauma from decades of experience lol. I'm a rock.
The people who go into first responding and can't handle it emotionally get weeded out very, very quickly. I'm talking they quit within days of starting. The veterans do not have the empathy to feel every patient's suffering so it rolls over our backs without flinching.
The only call that really upset me for a very long time was a premie newborn we were transporting that had cardiac arrest in the back instantly died right in front of us. CPR didn't work. Just thinking of her gentle little face and the awful fucking screams of the parents still makes me tear up today. But that is life and she is a cruel mistress. It can't be helped.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I used to be a rock. Actually I was a machine until they forced me to see my pieces. Of course I had developed severe PTSD being this rock. At some point you just are like "why am I holding all this in"?