Anybody else functionally suicidal?

[Gamelle]

I have a job. I have a social life. I'm active and volunteer a lot. I'm on a board for a volunteer organization. I'm always busy. Always doing something. I still want to kill myself. I keep busy in hopes that it will make the years pass faster. It actually kind of works, but when I have a free weekend with nothing planned- I'm miserable. Freedom gives me time to think. To ruminate on my past. That's when I remember exactly why I want to die so bad. I can only run away from my thoughts when I'm busy. Every night before I fall asleep, and every weekend I have nothing to do, I remember. I don't do well at work because I'm passionate about my job. I do well because throwing myself into something occupies my brain and helps me forget for a while.

It's an exhausting cycle, and I can't wait for it to be over. I can't imagine doing this for another 10-15 years, but I don't feel like I have a choice until my mother passes. There's no "getting better" because I don't want to die because of my present life circumstances. I want to die because of painful past memories and childhood trauma. A great life now just doesn't make up for it, and instinctively, I think I always knew that. I kept telling myself that once everything fell into place I'd be happy, but I knew it was a lie even when I was working hard to get to this place. It makes the waiting a little more bearable at least.

I'm going to clean the house from top to bottom tomorrow. Go over some details for some projects at work. Blast a podcast and go for a run. I just can't sit still or lay around doing nothing. It just leads to tears, tears and more tears and it takes me days to pull myself out of it.

 

[Pale_Rider]

i used to be semi functional. lol not so much anymore.

 

[curiouscvnt]

100% yes.
Do you wish you could talk about it with people who know you? I do. My greatest wish, second only to ending my life, is to give the people in my life opportunity for better closure rather than just the shock that killing myself with absolutely no sort of warning or gesture would give them.

 

[Defenestrator]

I wasn't but I am now, I had a period of recovery I guess but I'm now a functioning member of society - at least on the surface.
It's annoying because even when I have no tangible reason to be suicidal it keeps coming back and no matter how much I try to keep going I do honestly think my life will end by my own hand.

 

[hang in there]

I have a fulltime job on an ambulance. It gets pretty weird to be on the other side of the equation when we get our nightly suicidal call. Basically everybody at this job hates their lives and jokes half seriously about killing themselves. I get to see every time and every way how somebody fucks it up.

 

[other-ghost]

I feel you, that's how i am rn. I'm productive and all, i am very active in organization and volunteering, i have a great GPA, generally active and productive. But i still want to kms so bad, this thought has been with me for the past 5 years or so. For me, maybe it's not about my past or trauma, maybe my brain has been defected in a way i couldnt fix, that's why I'm so prone to being suicidal every time i had a moment to *think*. if i had any moment for myself, ctb-ing is just the only thing on my mind. its tiring

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I'm not the most active person, but I try to do something fun or interesting on a daily basis, including going for walks. If I couldn't do anything except being a piece of crap lying on the bed, definitely someone would make me the favor of killing me (if I wasn't capable of doing it myself).

 

[orpheus_]

Yes. I had a few-month period of being pretty much nonfunctional but other than that, I can relate. It honestly sometimes makes me feel like "I don't have it bad enough" and I shouldn't be getting any help. I still prefer being able to do anything than not functioning at all, because at least I can pass the time quicker while doing things and feeling like I'm useful to others. But it feels lonely. I'm just terrified of failing others and being a burden to them, there are people who depend on my help and I try to function only because of that. But deep inside I just want to disappear