Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

I HATE WAKING UP LATE I FUCKING HATE WAKING UP AT ALL. IM TIRED OF REMEMBERING AND IM TIRED OF BEING SO FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME. i dont know why i try to vent to my mom, it doesnt make me feel any better, i just feel like a burden and spoiled for complaining when people have it so much worse than me, it doesnt feel like i have the right to complain. im just so tired of thinking and breathing and being in this bed, i keep wishing i just suddenly die in my sleep. i want my heart and body to give up on me, it already showed my heart acting up at the hospital after the divorce, i hope it gets worse. kill me so i dont have to consciously do it, let my death be "natural" and i am remembered for being a girl who tried but her body didnt let her, not a girl whos mind was too ill to continue trying. it'll be put on my mental health history and not everything else that lead me to be how i am

how long do i have to pretend to be okay to others? how long do i have to wait until i get a break? do i just keep praying? i've been trying to get into my spirituality a bit more again, i have been so exhausted tho. maybe it'll come back to me. for now im gonna distract myself with daydreams and projects i can do

 

[wannabeangel]

i woke up earlier today but i wish i didnt, want my day short and just want to sleep all the time so i dont have to feel. my ex husband finally texted me again because i mentioned while ranting about my brother overdrinking that i had a drink of my own, barely made me tipsy, but he is straight edge and told me not to escape with substances which i wasnt even trying to do but MY INTENTIONS DONT MATTER! and he didnt like me venting about the dream i had where he shot me, cuz i wish he did because it would be easier to mentally cope with than all of this. and he tells me "I honestly don't know why I'm still even here" which just makes me wish i killed myself already ahahahaha.... it hurts when he then talks about how loney he is and hurting..... kinda just makes me wanna end it even more, seems like a proper punishment for breaking a good man's heart. apparently all the times i made sure my VR was charged for him and waiting at night he wasnt charging his at all and wasnt reaching out on purpose. assuming i didnt want to when the shit that waS stopping me lately was technical issues. but it doesnt matter. if im not there to be a virtual cuddle pet any night what else am i good for??

i wish i had money for SN already. i just dont wanna exist in this anymore. its only like $25-30 something and i have my exit. being broke and disabled isnt helping me get it done anytime sooner tho. i just want pain and stress to end already, i feel like my existence is the cause of it, im the only variable that never changed throughout all of this, its hard to not see myself as the cause. my life feels like an experiment proving my hypothesis of how i am bad luck.

im gonna try to let my adhd meds work and distract myself so the first half of my day isnt just sobbing, gonna play video games or something... keep wishing i die accidentally still, i want my heart to just give up, have other people recognize it was my body and physical brain that's the issue all along, and its not just my mental health. after having so many people say i just need to try harder, being medically neglected in psych wards assuming i was just a mental case and leaving me to dehydrate for over 24h because i couldnt keep anything down + my bladder was retaining everything and i couldnt piss for that long either and even tho my parents said i have gastroparesis and other physical disabilities and to call them if i am exactly like that THEY NEVER CALLED i had to use my phone time at the end of the day to update my parents themself and i had to go to a real hospital and get a catheter, NG tube and had to go thru a bunch of bullshit, another time i was having a severe tic attack and they wouldnt give me my proper medication and i was left in the "quiet room" that was really just a tiny office room with hard tile floors and cement walls which the tic attack made me hit my head so many times as well as bruise other body parts and it was like that for two hours (i know the time because they had a Wii and a tv in a plexiglass box so i could see the time on the homescreen) until they gave me a shot of what also had antipsychotics which my parents ALSO said not to give me because i have a bad history with them. PEOPLE ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS JUST MENTALLY ILL WHILE MY OWN BODY IS TORTURING ME. 19 inpatient visits. 19 psych ward stays with abusive staff and getting beat or scared by other patients, from ages 12-17. doesnt even include the outpatient programs! i just didnt count those. so much overdrugging, so much belittling my physical illnesses and neurodivergence as personality disorders and bullshit. i wish one of those wards would've killed me so they can burn in hell with me.

 

[wannabeangel]

should i be on this site coming down from shrooms and still pretty high from weed n shit? maybe not. am iiiiiiiiiii here? YES.

emotional state since my last update has just been either depressed or distracted by C or my ex husband sexing again recently but i keep being unable to do VR with him but think i turned him off being open about taling to C and others so ughhhhfgbfjdvdsknvds sWHAT IS MY EMOTIONAL STATE LATELY???? also update: mother sneakily started giving me lexapro at a baby dose said i was getting "suicide-y" and snappy i guess idk didnt think anyone notices until i snap but whatever.

lowkey still in the hours my ex husband can text me which is prob not helping the trip drop while C also i think fell asleep so ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all alone and the one person who may text me cannot know about any of my drug use if he got so upset with me having one drink one day. ughhhhh

im gonna continue this more later im enjoying my music but still suicidal deep down which is odd when life is giving me choices i can follow for a lifestyle i both wanted since like 14 + does support my mental and physical and emotional needs. but i still wanna die. does it make sense? yes, but no, not really. yes because still stuck in this broken body and brain with trauma and guilt and pain of all sorts until my body decides it's time or fate happens and maybe i die in an accident, i feel like i could accept that. but with life showing me a path of comfort how am i gonna kill myself if i get there? another person i make attached to me before i either break their heart or they broke mine years before with abuse i tolerated for 5 years of my teenagge years i could hve spent being NOT e,otionally tourmented but whatever

ACTUALLY gonna continue this later when somewhat more sober perhaps

 

[wannabeangel]

never wrote while not tripping but im tripping AGAIN because fuck it

kinda making me feel peaceful with killing myself, like everything will be okay even if i do, things will be okay

i wish i could already, i mean i could just go right now, maybe.. gonna meditate on it more

 

[cookji]

"Excuse me, but my stomach is in really bad condition. If I were to try SN, could it be ineffective because it might not be absorbed properly?"

 

[wannabeangel]

"Excuse me, but my stomach is in really bad condition. If I were to try SN, could it be ineffective because it might not be absorbed properly?"

i think this will depend on what condition you have and it's severity + if you have tools to handle your stomach condition that could possibly help take the SN with less issues (such as a feeding tube, i have a GJ tube that was surgically placed about 4 years ago now) the antiemetic meto that's used for SN is also a treatment for my stomach issue (gastroparesis) is supposed to speed gastric emptying on top of helping nausea. i can't take meto as i had a reaction to it in the hospital when i tried, tho reacting to it i think is more rare, depends on your chemistry

overall i think you just have to take into account any GI issues if you plan on using SN, and people tbh i think overestimates the amount of SN you need truly, people have passed just from tasting it, you only need enough to turn above 70% of your hemoglobin to methemoglobin, when doing some calculations for fun i bumped it to 80% as that's pretty much clinically lethal without treatment.

my math could be wrong, even tho i tried to check it; but if i calculated about the total amount of hemoglobin in my body based off my blood test (about 427g for me personally, this will vary for everyone) to convert 80% of that i would only need a little bit under 1g of pure SN to actually absorb. the huge amounts of 15-25g listed in protocols im sure is taking into account like differences in weight, metabolism, the possibility of throwing it back up, and purity of SN you get in general. but with that math in mind, unless your stomach doesn't absorb anything at all, with the proper protocol it's more likely than not imo to work enough

 

[wannabeangel]

ran out of most of my meds to manage pain so i have been feeling so shitty, but i need to wake up early, that will be hell, but i have to so i can get my meds and stupid appointments i have to deal with for life. im exhausted from that. i still keep thinking about killing myself, during tripping i kinda felt an acceptance of it. like it will happen eventually, and that will be okay.

i feel guilty wanting to die so badly tho, especially when people care about me, i should be more grateful for being in a situation where i have support others dont have, so i feel pathetic and heavy guilt thinking about the pain it'll cause them... but god if i was completely alone i would have been long gone already, im surprised i didn't just end it sooner, but guilt gets in the way. that feeling of acceptance though being locked in my bathroom with the lights off tripping on idek how many grams, just looking at the patterns that will stay with my eyes both open or closed and feeling oddly grounded and peaceful after asking myself "if i did it right now, how do i really feel about it" and it was just a mix of acceptance but neutral almost, and felt like that kinda feeling after you sigh finally finished with a task and feeling that stress go away knowing it's over.

i still question myself, im serious about going through with it, but the time has to be right, and i need to do a few things first unless they become impossible or i cant take it any longer. i hope doing whatever method i choose (mainly focusing on SN or amitriptyline and whatever is mixed with that) i feel that same acceptance without panic. i wish others could feel that acceptance, not remember me for my end but what i did do in my life with them.. it's pretty much an impossible wish tho, i get that, but i can only dream

been just doomscrolling and in my imagination, texting C when he isn't working, texting my ex husband and doing only nsfw things when im not in the mood but it's hard to say no to him, and feeling like shit as its day 2 without my pain meds and muscle relaxers, and i need to be awake by 8:30am and its almost 1:20am. im getting kinda sleepy, might've daydream about taking the SN and tell myself to just fall asleep, there's nothing to worry about anymore as soon as i fall asleep. i know its a lie, i still wake up. but i can have a drop of relief in fantasy

i can get some relief going only into my mind

 

[wannabeangel]

i got my meds worked out, feeling a bit better especially since i had pregabs again and can relax for a few hours. but i stil keep feeling the urge, and any pain i get thats weird i imagine it will kill me eventually, then nobody has to blame themselves for my journey outside of this physical form. i wish they could understand

i wanted to draw but i can only do that on my phone with my finger, so it sucks but at least i can vent about methods i have been thinking about (and yes i have a pink bed and half of my room is pink even tho i almost always dress alt/emo/punk hah) i wish i could just do it, if i had nobody who cares i would be gone already. if it isnt obvious, the methods i drew are SN, hanging, jumping, and by train. i know some of these methods are risky and can traumatize people around, but hearing the train every night makes me think about it more and more.



feels weird typing this as one of my little brothers (half brother but i never cared about that i just say lil brothers) is texting me, god he makes me feel old now gen alpha brainrot is confusing, but makes me happy because i did the same shit as a kid, yelling YEET and 21 and making those MLG meme videos in elementary and middle school, but he's saying stuff i do not understandddddd ugh i love my brothers, i dont want to hurt them either, i wish everything wasnt so hard... all i can do is daydream and make shit art about it. i think i just need to draw traditionally more, my skills can be better than this, i know i can be better, not practicing is killing me as well because i love art, i started drawing as soon as i could hold a crayon. i liked to draw things from reference, i would get extra points on my work for what i drew as a kid. i feel like i was so much smarter as a kid, now im just fucking stupid, i dont remember things well unless something just unlocks a fact i picked up as a kid, i use to read so much now my focus is shit, and i feel like shit. i wish i could just be a kid forever. i miss the big house, with my fishies that nibbled on my fingers in the pond in the front yard, and the yard was huge, not a full acre but like pretty big like a forest for the front and back yard. it used to be fun, i used to have fun. i wish i could have it back

i wonder if i will actually be able to go through with it finally, i want to buy SN already i have the money but i was given that to buy something else, so it feels wrong of me to. i only need like $25-30 to order it, i can get it eventually. i just want a kit and i can feel comfortable knowing i can go when i need to

feels shitty having a drawing i dont like and feels lazy (because it is) i might share more things i make to vent, hopefully better than that drawing. but its how i feel rn. cant speak but i think all these things. this is the only place i feel safe enough to share how i feel without the usual shit you get on other social platforms, i can speak here and not be scared, i like that. even tho i post mainly publicly here & have my account public, it's more or less a mix of not caring who sees, and having it still be easy access to anyone after i finally catch the bus. hell even if i die on accident, i would want them to find this somehow, so they know that i am not unwilling of death, if death took me before i make him take me i would want my family to know that it isnt all bad, im not in pain anymore and i didnt even have to do it myself. if they looked thru my laptop they would find the drafts of suicide notes, might make one for "in case of accidental death" note because you never know truly.


what i really want is peace and no pain, but i dont know how to get that in this body on this planet. all i have is distractions, and those dont last forever, nothing lasts forever besides the atoms making up our bodies that came from stardust, recycled countless times. your physical self has existed in so many ways through the parts making up your body, which is why i respect entering nonexistence as people usually see it, because all you're really doing is returning home, we've done it countless times already. it's the cycle, i respect the cycle. i just wish i could be dust in space again

 

[wannabeangel]

Beauty is a knife I've been holding by the blade
Swallowing my pride so I won't eat anything
It's all a lie, honestly, it's eating me alive
They're all like
"Did you change your hair?"
"Did you lose a little weight?"
"You should keep it up 'cause it really looks great"
I hate that I always look my best
When I'm dying on the inside


​

getting addicted to this song, it's always when i feel like shit i get compliments and i dont understand it cuz i feel like im dying, then my mom says my skin looks good when it does NOT i need to shower so bad,, im disgusting. i dont get how others see something about me that i dont.

i want to feel pretty but i dont, i wish i could be normal but i cant, there's too many things i cant do or see. i wish i didnt exist to feel this way

i woke up panicky today, i hate when i feel that but its almost constant since feb. been deeply just wanting to die since then too, i just dont wanna feel anymore, let me go home

 

[wannabeangel]

looking through my notes app for things i wrote, might just drop some here. i dont know what else to do, im just waiting for benadryl to make me sleepy.

there is too much that happened,
too much to write it all,
too much to make the pain poetic.

for all i hold is these memories,
this energy festering in my gut
clawing at my throat
desperate, longing for release.

craving just a break from this fog,
the fog that fills my lungs,
weighing me down, smothering me.
i cough and choke on my snot and despair.

yet i still remain here and now,
clinging to hope i'll purge it all out.
the desperate screams from my throat
letting it escape.

but with each breath i take,
it always finds a way back in

​

apparently wrote it in 2024, dont have memory of it tho. i have a lot of random writing mixed up with random notes i cant make sense of anymore

i still keep thinking about finally catching the bus, god i want to so badly, i dont want to be bound to this planet by other people.. maybe, if my spiritual beliefs end up being wrong, i wont be able to see the pain i caused anyways, i wont be able to feel guilt anymore, but i still feel so fucking guilty. why do people have to care about me.... the guy i am kinda just trying to ghost that i fucked around with for a while after meeting him in VR, the clingyness started scaring me and he's too normal for my autistic ass, he questions me in ways that make me anxious, but he keeps texting me how he misses and loves me and calls me strong and is hoping im okay. he knows about all my thoughts, i regret sharing them, i shouldnt share how i wanna die because people just overreact and i feel even worse.

i just dont know how im gonna exist with my physical and mental health issues, all the trauma everything caused me growing up. there was a reason i started seeing my psyc doc at 8 years old. most of my earliest memories are me panicking due to intense harm OCD since i was at LEAST 5, and everything just snowballed as i grew older. im not excited to turn 24 this year, i used to enjoy my birthday and october in general, my health making me miss so many halloweens as a young teen also turned into hating my birthday as it was almost always halloween themed as a kid. being groomed online since 12 also made me hate my birthday when i turned 18 finally and i felt like i "expired" which is disgusting but i cant help but think it. having it happen so often with multiple guys as a kid even if it was all online it still did a lot to me. when i was bullied it was the one way i could get "positive" attention outside of my family (as family attention doesnt feel like it counts because they have to care) and now im prob on the deep web somewhere. ik i was recorded because when i was on the cursed site omegle the next day after doing shit i hated i went back on and was met with a recording of myself from yesterday, and i closed the tab and shut my laptop. i was shaking after seeing myself, i should've known better. no, i DID know better but i fucking did it anyways, why would i do that. why would i do that. why. would. i. do. that.

my ex husband started texting me so i'll talk to him.... fuck i miss what we had before i broke everything so much, i miss his skin against mine, i miss the love. now we are just long distance fuck buddies, it fucks with everything i feel but i also just cant say no to him, i'll always love him. he says he comes back to me because he's lonely and others stop replying, and that i know him best to please him best. he wanted to go in VR tonight but we both need to charge our shit and i told him im tired and took my benadryl, which is true took 100mg, will take more if needed, i suck at sleeping. i mostly just dont wanna hurt my neck in VR tho. i wish things could be normal again, i miss sitting at his kitchen table playing MTG together, seeing his cute expression as he pursed his lips because i beat him when he's usually a lot better at playing than me. now i will most likely never feel his skin again, never feel his lips again, he wouldnt take me back now. not after i broke his trust, the papers are already done, i already moved, its too late.

oh, if i wasnt so dumb and selfish... the word selfish fucks me up, as a kid when expressing wanting to CTB, my parents ESPECIALLY my dad. being told wanting to stop the pain for good was a selfish act chained me more to this body and life, guilt and shame eats me alive yet my heart keeps beating. i wish i could just sleep and never wake up, and let them leave me for dead. guilt lessens when it's just by nature or an accident, they dont have to blame themselves that way, hopefully.

listening to my suicide themed spotify playlist and this song came up. when i die i would like it played at my funeral, it sounds relaxing, loving but melancholic

Thank you, I'll say goodbye soon
Though it's the end of the world
Don't blame yourself, now
And if it's true
I will surround you and give life to a world
That's our own​

 

[wannabeangel]

i had the weirdest dream, someone was shooting at me for some reason and one of the shots got me in the head? it felt like hitting my head hard on concrete feeling my brain rattle but x100 and i dropped + vision went out and i was just confused? i remember my vision turning off and feeling myself twitch a bit, some time passes tho and my vision slowly comes back a bit and i shakily reach my arm up (im laying in the dirt on my side) to feel my head and my hair was soaked with blood and was warm and squishy, and i was shaking hella but i think i was too in shock to hurt and i managed to get up to try and find help after what felt like forever. why the hell do i gotta dream that lol wtf???? i guess getting scared in a dream but then instantly getting dream brain damaged makes you too confused to process that fear anymore, when i felt my blood soaked hair it kinda clicked but i was still too outta it. brutal dream, but the guy shot at me 3 times and i only remember getting took down by the last shot to my head, booooooo your aim SUCKS! i was barely moving cuz i was scared until you scrambled my head u could of hit all 3 shots bruh. this is what i get for using benadryl to knock my ass out and looking at WPD a lil too much, the dream assassins start pulling their guns on me smh, you could've at least finished the job.

now i will daydream about wishing that's how i died because if im too confused to feel pain or if they actually can aim im good lights out even if im there for a few moments if its just a feeling of ????????? im good! dont think i could ever turn the trigger towards myself tho, i cant even shoot a real gun at a target, i only ever liked archery and if i ever hunted i would be a bow hunter of some sort, thats how uncomfortable guns made me for some reason. no issues with hunting just dont like the tool and i dont have a good reason why, i just dont like it. i'll learn how to use it ofc safety is important, but i wouldnt touch it unless someone was after my family, i cant willingly use it outside of holding an unloaded one to understand how it works. idk im weird, i wish that method could work for me, my family owns a shotgun for self protection (mainly so we can just yell I HAVE A GUN and make that chick-chick sound when u pull the thing back). the aftermath is terrible, but sometimes existing can overweigh that. but im a pussy so cant go that route, and it would be better on my family to not ruin my body too much

 

[wannabeangel]

If you take from me
Take your time
I don't bruise
I memorize

If you open me
Don't perform
I've survived
Much worse than warmth

I learned how to speak
Without revealing
Every want I carry
Still sounds like kneeling

I don't flinch
When the room leans in
I just count
What you haven't said yet

If you take from me
Be exact
I don't heal
I adapt

If you open me
Understand
This is sanctioned
This is planned
​

had this in my vent playlist trying to find songs to specifically spell out SaSu inside it reading down song titles lol, i like it though, some parts hit more than others. im currently trying to sleep but cant get myself to keep my eyes closed, my brain is too active. i just took more benadryl. while im at it might as well just share my whole playlist


[Sanctioned - Blood & Honey]









okay yeah that was a lot to copy-paste one by one only to have a limit of 10 links LOL i can share the others later, saved the rest to my notes. i wish i could feel normal enough to close my eyes and not need a constant distraction unless too tired to process. kinda also dont wanna take a bullet to my brain in my dreams again, even if it was more confusing than painful the moment before was still scary, didnt like that. if something is gonna attempt to kill me in a dream dont keep me alive either lemme die in the dream and have a little escape.

i feel bad i havent slept yet when i told C i would, he texted me but i dont want him knowing im up still, i can just pretend to be good. i feel bad feeling this way while also looking forward to seeing him, maybe even going to japan with him one day. feels like my bucketlist is just a little longer tho, not like i changed my mind

day god who knows what of wishing to die in my sleep so i dont have to burden others with my existence

 

[wannabeangel]

i still cant sleep, might as well share more songs from my playlist











i wish i could sleep instead of thinking about death constantly, its driving me insane. i wanna feel okay for once or just be dead. maybe i can nap even if its past 7am now, i just have to try, its hard to try tho

 

[dirkw83]

I broke my wings to... can't fly anymore & I want to die.

 

[wannabeangel]

I broke my wings to... can't fly anymore & I want to die.

i feel you, i wish yours didnt have to break too... i dunno how to fly anymore, my wings were torn off by my own hands. i can only think of one way to make them really grow back, just wanna jump so once i hit the ground they sprout back out. you're not alone in this

 

[wannabeangel]

i still cant sleep, might as well share more songs from my playlist

more songs in my CTB and overall vent playlist, if anyone wants to suggest songs i can add feel free to, i need more inspo. and also just a reminder that people can reply to anything i post, you're not interrupting my thread or anything if you worry about that! i miss one person i talked to the most on here that started from them commenting in this thread, they're talking a break from this site tho for now it seems from their post, and im so happy for them and i hope that eventually they dont feel the need to return, but i do miss the company and chats in here & private msgs. i think im just lonely, the people i do talk to outside of here i cant be open to like i can with people on here who get it..
anyways,,,, music!













im just gonna keep rambling a bit because that's what i made this thread for. imma also be more blunt, i really want a friend, a friend who understands. knowing that it's likely friends i might make on here may catch the bus eventually, but i'll cherish them as long as they're here to be my friend too, and i will catch up with them in the afterlife eventually if they go before me.
that's something i came to accept, people i care about die. there's no avoiding it, unless i die first i'll watch those around me pass. my uncle dying when i was little sparked my OCD around death, i was little and very shy, i saw him at the bottom of the stairs holding a tray covered with tin foil, either him or my mom tell me to give him a hug, i was too shy to. he left the door and never came back, soon after i learn he died. i felt like it was my fault, maybe if i hugged him something would've changed. my memory is blurry of when my mom explained more about how he passed, first things that come to mind are suicide and basically not taking care of his health issues leading to his death. cant remember if drugs were involved. i might ask my mom about that, just to get my memory straight. over my life people i cared about a lot end up dying, and i end up usually regretting being too shy to talk to them more before i had no chance to anymore. my grandma, my mom's patient with butterfly skin syndrome i befriended and saw Avatar TWOW with (he was a good kid, was in his teens), santa (family member that was a professional santa) he gave me the best cookie dough and i loved being able to say im related to santa as a kid, he was full of joy. there's others too.

and i know im gonna lose more i care about, but i dont want to regret anything. if i make a friend here, and they leave this world eventually, i dont wanna regret a moment of it. i wanna be there for them the best i can.



i think i just feel really alone