Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[squiddedoutt]

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[wannabeangel]

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you're too kind <3 i just feel like it would be wrong of me to get angry with him over my own mistake, because i never wanted to hurt him in the first place it just feels wrong of me to, especially when his emotions were highest and he was rightfully angry, he never truly raised his tone, and still cares about me in some way despite his distrust, i cant be mad at a man like that over something that was my own doing. even tho everything still hurts rn and is confusing, i really appreciate how you're touched by me not trying to turn anything against him and loving him no less, sometimes i feel like the amount i love can be of detriment to me, because i may care *too* much in some times in the past especially that got me hurt, or caring so much that i hurt him has been actually physically straining my heart. but i cant give up love, even if i have to let the one i love go

its hard, especially going back and forth between some online contact, then him disconnecting it again it seems, then coming back to me in VR, it feels like im on a coaster of emotions i cant get off of, because i dont want to be the one to stop the ride and completely lose him, even if he continues to say any serious relationship is over the next morning. it just makes it even harder, i dont want to lose him but i dont want to keep overthinking and crying all the time, but i was the same when we had no contact for a bit either..... so i dont know what's really going on now

its hard when i love him so much too, and a few nights of no sleep and jealousy ended up leading me talking to a few new people, and one of them he's actually really nice and wasnt expecting that to happen from my attempts to self sabotage and just being impulsive, so now i feel stuck all up in that too and i feel like im losing my mind, idk how to deal with all this my brain and body just acts and i deal with the consequences of my thoughts later alone when i have nobody paying attention to me, my ex isnt gonna come back im sure.... but its all so fucking confusing still, love and coping is so hard

the only thing thats kept me breathing this far has been love tho..

 

[wannabeangel]

waiting to see who is gonna interact with me next and/or again on a daily basis is exhausting when i dont wanna hurt anyone... im honestly tired of thinking, i cant die and i cant catch a break, just gonna let myself regress to cope and cling to U for now as my ex husband keeps... i dunno what he's doing but i dont wanna think anymore just be comforted and told what to do by someone older. what other escape do i have rn, i cant peacefully die, i cant keep thinking, im just gonna pretend i cant and dont have to understand anything before i start slitting my own skin open again from not being able to make anything stop. just gonna get high and braindead and watch shows i watched as a kid. i barely slept so i want something soothing....

 

[wannabeangel]

what my ex husband said last night has thrown me into a loop, i cant tell if it was just an in the moment feeling or he actually kind of wants me back, and how he loves how obsessive i am over him..... but after so long of telling me to let go? and after i got myself caught up in the mess i am in now? and how am i supposed to trust he wont change his mind again...? i love him so much..... but why say this as soon as my brain begins to accept it wont be the same again..... why put me back into the cycle on repeat when i have already made actions that will make getting back together even harder let alone how hard it would be even if i didn't speak to anybody..... what the fuck am i supposed to do and what is even going on??? im so lost..... whats the point of anything anymore......

 

[wannabeangel]

need to sleep but wanna vent first..... hate feeling like im stuck sround guys i gave attention while struggling on top of my ex trying to meet in vr again and it was okay until my quest died and i had a crashout lowkey, then while not being able to sleep my first guy friend i made after my divorce kept me up and keeps saying how he loves me and tells me to tell him how i love him so i just feelpressured and idk how to escape that.... the one guy atp that makes me feel the most comfy is U... W is a good friend too but not as safe feeling, but will give me drugs soooooo fuck ugh. i dont know how to cut ppl off without feeling mean.....

i keep wanting to die then stuff my mom says or shows makes me feel too bad to, but god it would be such a easy good ticket out of EVERYTHING i just cant catch a break so i would rather catch the bus. one day maybe i wont be such a pussy and just get it over with somehow

 

[wannabeangel]

i wish i felt like i was truly in control of my life and actions, and not navigating around trying not to make people sad or disappointed or hurt, while i am struggling to figure out any action to make with my life, and don't know how to turn someone down i started interacting with first, i have to figure out excuses to save hearts, it makes me feel wrong and manipulative but all i really wanna do is not hurt people while doing whatever i have to do....

 

[wannabeangel]

my ex husband snapped at me over text for not being able to get on vr for one night because i keep having headaches and its not my fault he fell asleep the night before..... woke up stressed about it so bad.. been kinda making excuses to talk less to the first friend i made after all this, because i like him as a friend but dont think a relationship would work.... but U connects to me personally on so many fucking levels idc about an i think 11yr age gap, 23 & 35 imo isnt bad if y'all actually link, and he just keeps turning out to be even better day by day so ughhdfkskdngdngl ITS SO HARDDDDD i want my ex happy but im also trying to let go because i know i fucked up to the point of no return and HE TOLD ME TO LET GO but he keeps making this even harder on me and its so hard to say no to him cuz i care.... but it keeps not helping anybody...... i feel bad leaving my first new friend/situationship ig that turned to a lil dating questions but to me was never serious genuinely, cuz he is making it hard too msging me a ton and talking about me moving in with him eventually, but i dont really want that, not when it was first brought up tbh and especially not now. i dont wanna hurt anybody tho so fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

distracted myself with some SN research today and talked a ton to U thats pretty much it

 

[wannabeangel]

im tired of getting stressed out by things it just makes me want to die even more, and feeling myself get sicker for a week driving me insane ended up being just my period being stupid and its good to know there's a reason but makes me just wanna kms i always get extra suicidal before and during my period and it's so stupid.

my ex has been stressing me out too he unadded me on vrchat during breaking down and kinda snapping at me then added me again and even tho i was nauseous and feeling like shit because he was panicking after are talk and i did what i could until my vr died. but he keeps talking about how he is still conflicted on if he should stay or fully go and it just makes me a mess after i keep trying to let go for him like he asked of me SO MUCH and then its like trying to is wrong and he keeps giving me mixed signals as soon as i finally accept it wont work out again shit happens and its gonna be the end of me if it doesnt stop..... i just want the pain to end, all the pain

still struggling with shit with my guy friends because i need to get my first friend that i wasnt truly planning to be serious with is still talking about me moving in and its stressing me out when i really like U and not him, he's too normal doesnt click with me like U does

i was typing this and got distracted, my ex husband wanted vr and i cant say no to him.... but i just feel like shit..... i just want the pain to end, all pain to end.

i cant sleep, so i think i might play vr until i pass out

 

[wannabeangel]

been up for over uhhh 48h at least now, could my sleep meds FUCKING WORK instead of keeping me up feeling guilty and the moment i do pass out i wake up the same if not worse. im tempted to just eat a few kinpins but im trying to stock up on CTB materials, even while part of me feels so guilty to die still, and a smaller part wondering if it's really my only choice, but its either exist in pain or don't exist at all

im supposed to be trying to sleep but im too worried about my ex husband because he gets so sad and upfor me needing to sleep or in pain or sick so i cant VR and i just ugh i try so haed but i cant handle the stress, my sleep issues alone make me wanna down all my pills and hope i never wake up. i still need

• SN ofc, will buy this asap so i have it tbh even if my plan is later
• got 2.5-3mg/10mg i need of klonipin (at least) been just skipping the two split .5 tablets and stocking them up
• 24mg ondansetron since i hate meto (have plenty zofran i believe, liquid and sublingual, not sure how much is with my ex tho. got weed for nausea as well
• 800-1000mg pregabalin (have a script, working on upping from 50mg to 100mg. 300-400 gets me pretty wonky and good 600mg made me fall asleep, 800-1000 should be plenty)
• anti-acids i have plenty for GERD and my body being bs
• still want to take it in my feeding tube but idk if diluting it for your intensities is anymore comfortable if not worse? gotta deep dive more
• painkillers, ik opioids aren't recommended, but i can't avoid them, and i can't be stressing about pain during my ritual to leave it all behind
• might stock amitriptline as it's a method too, but also sedating and a sleep medication used at lower doses, what i use it for
• DREAM WISH: ketamine ketamine ketamine and more ketamine oh to get to the edge of a k hole as i pass on sounds good. k makes my body so numb

i still have to plan timing, where i will do it (i wanna be come cozy and familiar, but i know my mom would be the one to find me in the morning and it would break her, i dont want that.... it feels like i can never do what i feel like is best overall for me, so i dont have to suffer as i can't just get high on meds for the test of my life for a few hour break. i still hate thinking about how others will hurt.... my parents, little brothers, maybe my friends especially closer ones, my ex husband, and now C (that's U but i feel like using C now, C IS U GUY, CLARIFYING CLEARLY for myself reading badk tbh lol) as we've gotten close lately, the fuck buddy/situationship/date guy i have im too awkward with and been so overwhelmed the last few days i have been ghosting him, i'll say something eventually:.:.:.....

i keep making people get close to me and ir feels wrong with how badly i wanna die, i dont wanna hurt anyone anymore, and i dont wanna be hurting anyone, im so tired

im getting a bit sleepy, i hope i never opwn my eyes again so i dont have to be reminded of hell

 

[wannabeangel]

i was able to actually sleep omfg, i just wish i didnt wake up, im sick of waking up. im still trying to slowly back off the one guy i met in VR, and i am stressed thinking about my ex texting me again, and im stressed over how badly i want to die still even tho C has been making me feel nice.. im still stockpiling my kpins, 4.5mg saved so far, im out tho as well as my other shit that should be refilled soon. i wish i had money to buy SN, i just wanna have it already, my crippled ass has no income tho.... maybe i can manage art comissions, cant use my drawing tablet but maybe i can do simple things on my phone, but i lost my pen for phone drawings after i moved. it's like i'll never be able to do anything... idk if ppl want pics of traditional drawings, maybe.. idrk i just want to have a way out. seeing some failed experiences with SN kinda scared me tbh, seems like without timing benzos and stuff properly it can be painful, really need to plan it all properly.. dunno how fast it'll kill me either i dont wanna be found too soon. but i also wanna be home and comfy but i also dont want my family to find me so it's hard. not like i have anywhere else to do it tho. i need to time when people wake up and stuff, or maybe even during the day when siblings are at school and my mom's bf doesnt check in on me much, but night is still prob safer you never know

my ex husband did end up texting me slightly, asking if im mad at him and that he doesnt wanna vent and make me feel bad or like he's guilt tripping me, told him im not mad and that he didnt have to feel guity its okay... he just left me on read..

i dont know what im gonna do with myself tonight, maybe just edit my AAC buttons more, daydream about death, wish i had money even more, think about death more, look at pinterest, listen to music and hopefully sleep. the lack of sleep tempts me to eat my kpin stash, but i dont wanna waste them. i wish i could feel okay tho, i hate myself and my body and my mind, i dont understand anybody who likes me

 

[wannabeangel]

my ex texted me again after leaving me on read for quite a while..... i want to be able to sleep tho i can reply in the morning.. ik what he's gonna ask for and i dont have the emotional nor physical energy to do it.. and i need to not let my mind start to learn sleep = bad = guilt because i cant be there every single night.. especially when we wont actually get back together..... he says it over and over and over, i wanna be there for him tho but fuck..

i understand the girls who say to date older now tho, been treated the best so far (since the divorce at least) by someone 11yrs older than me lol, didnt think that would happen, he bought me a game for my switch too that's been a good distraction, and everything he says is just too good.... makes me feel guilty in many ways, the part of me stuck in the past that just wants to cling onto my ex husband, the part that just wants to die to end all pain, the part that says im trying to move on too fast now myself while my ex is trying to come back, and other guilt i cant put to words.

i wish i could either be normal or dead, i know the afterlife is a better place than this body and species i am forced to call myself

 

[tomame]

i keep watching suicide vids, the SN ones scared me all besides one that actually looked quite peaceful, i think he was a member here because the details in the post match an old goodbye thread where people mentioned the livestream with the same description of events. he did it properly mixing it with a lot of benzos so he passed out quite fast vs others i saw looked like they were choking and hurting a lot more. that scared me, i really want a painless way to go.

i watched vids of other methods too, i try to avoid gun ones tho because i get reminded of my worst fear i had for years about my ex husband, i feared it before we even started dating and before we started talking to each other again. honestly the thought of it helps me not ctb right away, because i fear him doing the same because im a hypocrite :( i want the best for him always tho, and i know he can and will get that, even if i cant be in his life for it

where do you watch them? i wanna see

 

[wannabeangel]

where do you watch them? i wanna see

gore sites like watchpeopledie, but other gore sites have them as well. just search it on duckduckgo as google censors it

 

[wannabeangel]

not my ex husband msging me after reading my vent from this morning i wrote in the document he gave me saying he's worried about me, when i literally censored me saying wanting to kill myself, think i mentioned it less srsly tho in a rant before or after that timestamp tho. told him he doesnt have to worry, like i tell everyone not to worry, wonder if one day he will see through me tho. i doubt it, doubt he will find any of this either, i dont think that much effort would be wasted on me now. i just hate feeling like this and existing and feeling like my relationship is only good for intimacy without actually being close anymore because i broke it apart. him just hating me would be slightly easier at this point..... but i would also wanna die more over that.

i fell asleep and woke up early today (well yesterday now) at least, which made my energy a bit better but still kinda a mess in my brain and C has been my only distraction.. as soon as im alone tho everything hurts, and i just daydream about leaving everything behind. i try to think of better things but thats hard when i keep also not fully trusting myself to get close to anyone

he texted me again during me typing this, saying how he hates being lonely and lost and going to sleep alone....i hate it too and didnt want any of this either, i had no chance to even attempt to repair anything, things fell apart on the 4th and were too far away to mend by the 6th, now it's been 3 months and 3 days and we're both just stuck in this pain it seems... i tell him it will get better, because i actually have hope in him and his life that it will actually get better for him. i cant say the same for myself with honesty, when i tell myself that it's cope, but with him i believe it truly. i told him my vr is dead because my mom moved and unplugged it, said he wouldnt sleep until it's charged i had to tell him he cant deprive himself he needs to try and sleep just like how i try my best to sleep at night despite hating being alone and lost, those feelings just get worse with less sleep tho.. i feel guilty enough he has to feel this way in the first place if he doesnt sleep trying to wait for me im just gonna feel even more guilt..... i can tell he's still up even tho its 1:44am now, he still has me as a friend on his switch and is playing the new tomodachi life, might play it myself some more. i just took some extra kpins to help me sleep, took i think 20mg ambien? 2mg kpins and the rest of my muscle relaxers.

2:00am now damn i havent been tracking the timelines for thing how i usually do, feeling wonky and kinda nauseous maybe i add on to this later

 

[wannabeangel]

opening up to my ex even a little about wanting to CTB and saying its his fault and im suicidal each time we talk again when i have been feeling the same daily if he does or doesnt talk to me, then just says he hates himself which just makes me wanna end it all even more, i dont wanna exist in this pain and causing him and anyone else pain. it starts to get to a point where the pain and stress i will cause with my death will be less than if i continue living. i sadly have nothing to end it yet besides hanging, which i would rather not. i keep getting ads for SN on my laptop as well LOL teasing me while i have no money. people are lucky im broke and too scared to hang unless as backup, but im probably gonna research it more atp. i just want all the pain to end

 

[squiddedoutt]

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