i woke up earlier today but i wish i didnt, want my day short and just want to sleep all the time so i dont have to feel. my ex husband finally texted me again because i mentioned while ranting about my brother overdrinking that i had a drink of my own, barely made me tipsy, but he is straight edge and told me not to escape with substances which i wasnt even trying to do but MY INTENTIONS DONT MATTER! and he didnt like me venting about the dream i had where he shot me, cuz i wish he did because it would be easier to mentally cope with than all of this. and he tells me "I honestly don't know why I'm still even here" which just makes me wish i killed myself already ahahahaha.... it hurts when he then talks about how loney he is and hurting..... kinda just makes me wanna end it even more, seems like a proper punishment for breaking a good man's heart. apparently all the times i made sure my VR was charged for him and waiting at night he wasnt charging his at all and wasnt reaching out on purpose. assuming i didnt want to when the shit that waS stopping me lately was technical issues. but it doesnt matter. if im not there to be a virtual cuddle pet any night what else am i good for??
i wish i had money for SN already. i just dont wanna exist in this anymore. its only like $25-30 something and i have my exit. being broke and disabled isnt helping me get it done anytime sooner tho. i just want pain and stress to end already, i feel like my existence is the cause of it, im the only variable that never changed throughout all of this, its hard to not see myself as the cause. my life feels like an experiment proving my hypothesis of how i am bad luck.
im gonna try to let my adhd meds work and distract myself so the first half of my day isnt just sobbing, gonna play video games or something... keep wishing i die accidentally still, i want my heart to just give up, have other people recognize it was my body and physical brain that's the issue all along, and its not just my mental health. after having so many people say i just need to try harder, being medically neglected in psych wards assuming i was just a mental case and leaving me to dehydrate for over 24h because i couldnt keep anything down + my bladder was retaining everything and i couldnt piss for that long either and even tho my parents said i have gastroparesis and other physical disabilities and to call them if i am exactly like that THEY NEVER CALLED i had to use my phone time at the end of the day to update my parents themself and i had to go to a real hospital and get a catheter, NG tube and had to go thru a bunch of bullshit, another time i was having a severe tic attack and they wouldnt give me my proper medication and i was left in the "quiet room" that was really just a tiny office room with hard tile floors and cement walls which the tic attack made me hit my head so many times as well as bruise other body parts and it was like that for two hours (i know the time because they had a Wii and a tv in a plexiglass box so i could see the time on the homescreen) until they gave me a shot of what also had antipsychotics which my parents ALSO said not to give me because i have a bad history with them. PEOPLE ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS JUST MENTALLY ILL WHILE MY OWN BODY IS TORTURING ME. 19 inpatient visits. 19 psych ward stays with abusive staff and getting beat or scared by other patients, from ages 12-17. doesnt even include the outpatient programs! i just didnt count those. so much overdrugging, so much belittling my physical illnesses and neurodivergence as personality disorders and bullshit. i wish one of those wards would've killed me so they can burn in hell with me.
