god i feel so the same, i want to be all ready when the time comes mentally
exactlyyy im glad im not alone in that, it makes me feel safe having "unsafe" items lol
I read (somewhere i dont recall) on here that the reaction between SN and your stomach acid produces NO which is actually a reason for the relatively quick time to unconsciousness, probably best to get the stomach reaction, I'm not sure anyone has documented putting it directly into the intestine
ohhh i would have to look into that! i saw some posts say that you use antiacids to fix the ph of your stomach so the SN doesnt break down, and putting it directly into the jejunum, the part that absorbs the most nutrients or whatever you put in there the fastest. with the nausea med thats recommended usually, it's actually something i tried for my gastroparesis, as it speeds up digestion and lessens bile buildup, so a SN drink will pass through faster, at least thats what i gathered while browsing. maybe i will have to be the one to take one for the team of other suicidal tubies and share my experience with it if/when the time comes
this duality really hits. I really don't want to make people feel bad because of my feeling bad but sometimes its kinda nice to not be suffering silently
ugh fr i hate to make ppl feel bad or worry
sweet sweet relief
, you do have quite the medicine collection, i guess a small bonus given everything you've been through,
yeah i got a good collection of prescriptions from over the years of being physically and mentally ill lmfaooo literally one of the only perks to dealing with all my bs
about that, after reading through your posts, From my distant eyes as an internet stranger,
You've really been through one hell of a ride.
The typical human experience doesn't include any mental illnesses, that's why they're illnesses. Much less a combination of many. Much less starting in mid-childhood and running strong ever since. Add on everything else that pains you everyday, I couldn't imagine having to deal with physical problems just trying to type on my laptop, it's a lot.
I guess I just wanted to say that. That because of everything you've been through you're strong for being here. Even if you spent every day just effortlessly drifting along with life you would still be strong.
And over all of it you still care deeply enough for how others' feel to question ending your own suffering. That probably feels like a curse holding you here, that's one thing I can relate to. But it is amazing you still care despite every hurt you've felt. How many people who choose to hurt others have gone through less?
I feel confident saying all this just having read your words on a screen. You've lived it.
You don't need to, but I'd say you've death-inetly earned a peaceful end.
I hope you find the best version of what you want, if life or if death. <3
(also, the potion idea would be nice looking C:, at least nicer than a cloudy white salt solution)
thank you your words really mean a lot to me
life really has been one hell of a ride, i dont get why my human experience has to be so... complex. and not even in the fun ways, in the ways that keep you up at night wondering if you could have done anything differently, if that would change where i am right now. it's hard to feel strong, but i know it's a strong thing to keep pushing through all this just by existing, i can tell by how exhausting it feels after so long. i hope i can have a peaceful end no matter what form it comes in
i do with my empathy didnt feel like such a curse at times though, because if i didnt care i would not be in pain much longer, but my heart bleeds love for so many, it's the only thing that's been keeping me alive this long. i know its not a bad thing to be so caring, or hypersensitive (i feel like i fall under what ppl usually call HSP/empaths, and not empath in the meme way empath as in i can tell my mom is anxious over something when she is in the opposite room because i can feel it, groups of people with strong emotions i get quite sensitive to as well) since it does help me understand people better, since i can literally put myself in their shoes, understand what/why/how they're feeling something, and people seem to appreciate that. but its also emotionally draining on myself for so many reasons
i wanna make mine a pretty potion tho if/when i take SN finally, still trying to decide a color lol, maybe pink or blue i like those both
(edit; below this is supposed to be a separate post but they were merged, not related to above replies lol)
i talked to my ex husband again a lil tonight in vr.... god i missed him, i get so many mixed emotions tho, i get anxious that it will just never be the same again. but i love him, so i say yes to him, i would still do anything for him.. he says he's been lonely without me, i've been lonely without him since the day i left... he said first i forget the exact wording but it was more along the lines of "i still somewhat/kind of love you" he worded it like he wasnt sure if he loved me completely again still, but then as we got cozy and close he tells me "i love you" like normal.. i dont know if im overthinking it. i cant put it to words but i had an anxious odd feeling when he said he felt more relieved and less scared after the divorce papers offically went through, and apologized for times he may have snapped at me, im assuming for stuff that he said more like a threat if i was gonna try anything to fight the divorce, but i was never going to do that. my actions broke it, why would i break it more? i do appreciate his apology tho.... but i dont know where we are going from here. do i have to tolerate keeping the love of my life as a fuck buddy in VR? because he cant love me truly again? is it only because others dont treat him the same as me, like he also told me tonight? i dont know whats true or false or right or wrong, i just feel so broken... but at least i have a little part of him again.....
im just listening to my suicide vent playlist and thinking... ugh ending my life means hurting him so fucking much even more than what i've already done, but i really wish i could peacefully make all the pain stop. part of me wants to be open about my thoughts more with him, but im also terrified to, i dont want him to tell my mom and i dont want him scared and worried about me, he was worried enough finding me blacked out in his bathroom the night my life flipped upside down, and how my neck is doing, and im sure he has other worries because i know he is genuinely so caring and loving.... every time we talk again tho it ends up being mainly about sexy stuff,,,, how needy he is for me,,,, i love it but i also get so anxious, like maybe now because of what i've done this is all im good for, a toy that cannot stop bleeding complete unconditional love, despite his love seeming to be pushed easily by conditions. i feel like im bad for thinking this way tho, he always says how he doesnt wanna use me, asks if its okay, i say its okay because it is okay to me, but another part inside me seems to get stirred up, making me feel worried and anxious and like im being bad in some way
im up way too late at night again, well basically morning soon its like 5:30am for me, i was up this long last night too, driving me a little insane, i took an extra 200mg benadryl to hopefully pass out, might eat a little more for fun fuck it, took 4 more just now i wonder if i had enough to see the hat man lmfaooo i hope i get so drowsy. i wish i could lucid dream so i can kill myself in my dream, just to see how it feels
