Venting Why am I such a coward?

[KillingPain267]

I watch gore every week and feel nothing with it, yet I cannot get myself to just hang and get it over with. The benefits of ending it all far outdo the daily pain I am in. It's irrational not to just end it all. I want to be fucking done!!!!!!!

 

[hawkshorizon]

The reflective biological imperative to sustain life is very powerful and, for most at least, extremely difficult to overcome. I would try not to use labels like 'coward.' You're only beating yourself up, and it does nothing to further your cause, whatever it may be. Try and be gentler with yourself and give yourself more time.

 

[KillingPain267]

"Try and be gentler with yourself and give yourself more time."

How will being gentler to myself make me closer to ctb? I'm qlready so gentle, not even wanting to damage my organs from medical side effects.

 

[hawkshorizon]

"Try and be gentler with yourself and give yourself more time."

How will being gentler to myself make me closer to ctb? I'm qlready so gentle, not even wanting to damage my organs from medical side effects

"Try and be gentler with yourself and give yourself more time."

How will being gentler to myself make me closer to ctb? I'm qlready so gentle, not even wanting to damage my organs from medical side effects.

I have a long history of beating myself up and labelling myself with terms like coward and fool. What I've learned from observing this behavior is that it never leads to anything proactive; it only drives you further into self doubt and paralysis. I still call myself things, but I'm learning to tone down on that part of my automatic thinking and focus more on what needs to be done. By doing this, I'm less bound to an undisciplined mind and more able to see and know that I will carry out what I need to accomplish. Just a thought.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be free from this cruel, torturous existence, I really wish suicide is as straightforward as just choosing to fall asleep permanently. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find peace eventually.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I feel like I am a coward for not ending this ceaseless pain and shit that is my life. I realise this a negative judgement. But am I not just allowing myself to continue to suffer in pain by not having the courage to stop it and do something about it by not taking my life ? if this is the only option that I have to stop the pain?

 

[stupidhuman]

I feel like I am a coward for not ending this ceaseless pain and shit that is my life. I realise this a negative judgement. But am I not just allowing myself to continue to suffer in pain by not having the courage to stop it and do something about it by not taking my life ? if this is the only option that I have to stop the pain?

I feel the same. I also feel like a coward crying and telling myself to CTB but never doing it.

I hope one day I catch myself being emotionally numb enough to do it. Like why am I being such a bitch about it every fucking day but not doing it ?

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

We are all defective biological machines, thats why. I'm also a coward altough I think constantly about doing it.

 

[zachw]

I also think about it constantly and feel too cowardly. I had one significant attempt that I deeply regret did not work. I can't believe I have allowed myself to keep living this way. It is baffling that clearly some part of me wants to survive. Even if the conscious part of me is suffering day after fucking day. It's infuriating and so painful. I wish my brain would either follow through or STOP thinking about it all the damn time.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

There is a difference between watching gore videos online vs killing yourself. For one, it's easy to dissociate yourself from what is going when watching gore videos in comparison to when something happens to you. I was able to handle looking at photos of people who had given themselves deep cuts (hypodermis and below), yet when I hit the hypodermis layer for the first time I freaked out. You don't have to fear the potential consequences of your actions or go through the same instinctual reactions people usually go through when you are watching it happen to someone else online. It's a completely different experience.

Unless if you are doing it on impulse or are high on drugs, it's hard to fight against your SI.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Well. Hard truth I learnt some time ago but: watching something online and feeling it irl is very different. Even if I can look at any type of video it doesn't necessarily mean I can withstand witnessing something happening right before my eyes.

I know it's hard but grim my experience just the online couldn't match the irl. It is hard to get over with it... :(

 

[Manfrotto99]

It's crazy that society judges people who take there lives as cowardly, yet many of us feel cowardly for not doing it and allowing ourselves to suffer ceaselesssly for no reason at all. It's like inflicting self torture on one self. Am I an abuser? I realise we have choices, but I'm talking about people who have no choices, who are in pain physically or emotionally or both and there's no way to stop the cause of the pain, other than to cbt