When I CTB. It's going to kill my mom too.

[Lycan]

I've been thinking a lot about my mom. If and when I finally do it. Assuming my mom is still alive. She's going to die of grief. She's 69 I'm her youngest child. I've been sick my whole life. She's taken care of me even though She's sick too. It might kill my dad too. He's in his late 70's. But I know it will kill my mom too when I CTB. Am I supposed to wait until She dies? But what if She lives another 20 years? All I want is to die. But I keep thinking about her.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Please don't, I seriously cannot understand this post at all.

 

[Lycan]

Please don't, I seriously cannot understand this post at all.

What don't you understand?

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

I initially misread the post and thought you said "I'm going to kill my mom".

I think the person above may have as well, lol.

 

[Sylveon]

I initially misread the post and thought you said "I'm going to kill my mom".

I think the person above may have as well, lol.

Same here; I thought it was because I was sleepy, lol.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

I feel the same as you OP.

But I don't have the time to wait for her to pass. And I mean we shouldn't.

In the end it's our life, we gotta be selfish...

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I initially misread the post and thought you said "I'm going to kill my mom".

I think the person above may have as well, lol.

Same here, @Lycan I'm really sorry for the confusion on my end. I really thought your title was "I'm going to kill my mom".

 

[ringo99]

I understand exactly how you feel. A lifetime of emotional abuse by my father and his family along with constant long distance travel to work and extreme work stress has left my mom with a whole host of health problems. Yet she still needs to goes to work due to poor financial planning on my father's part who naturally leeches off us. Her mental strength is immense but the body can only take so much. No idea why she never divorced him but if I ever bring it up she gets really stressed so I don't mention it anymore. She does have two other sisters and a lot of friends to help her out and is also the beneficiary of my life insurance which should keep her comfortable financially for a decade or so. My death will crush her and will probably worsen her health problems but I'm comforted in the knowledge that she'll be taken care of. I can't do anything about the emotional impact but at least her basic requirements will be met for the most part. That's all I can do. It's too painful to go on living and have given up on the idea of ever reaching a state where living becomes bearable. I'm planning on doing it by SN next year once she recovers from her surgery and I tie up a few more loose ends

 

[Abyssal]

Wow scary title at first haha.

Yeah, my father might follow me to the bus. It makes the decision…hard. Just thinking of it right now breaks my heart, makes me wish I could've been born a good daughter with a happy life. He tried his best, in fact I'd go to say he did everything perfectly, but I'm genetically flawed and feel more bad than good as my neutral state.

 

[Lycan]

I understand exactly how you feel. A lifetime of emotional abuse by my father and his family along with constant long distance travel to work and extreme work stress has left my mom with a whole host of health problems. Yet she still needs to goes to work due to poor financial planning on my father's part who naturally leeches off us. Her mental strength is immense but the body can only take so much. No idea why she never divorced him but if I ever bring it up she gets really stressed so I don't mention it anymore. She does have two other sisters and a lot of friends to help her out and is also the beneficiary of my life insurance which should keep her comfortable financially for a decade or so. My death will crush her and will probably worsen her health problems but I'm comforted in the knowledge that she'll be taken care of. I can't do anything about the emotional impact but at least her basic requirements will be met for the most part. That's all I can do. It's too painful to go on living and have given up on the idea of ever reaching a state where living becomes bearable. I'm planning on doing it by SN next year once she recovers from her surgery and I tie up a few more loose ends

I'm very sorry. At least both my parents are good people. I don't know if my dad would survive. But I'm certain my mom won't. She got infected with Lyme when She was pregnant with me. Were both chronically ill. I've pretty much been the center of her attention my whole life. She will die of grief when I CTB. All I want is to die. But if She is still alive when it happens She'll die too. What do I do?

 

[soleil]

I'm in the exact same boat with my family and don't want to devastate them. I'm completely trapped, it sucks so bad.

 

[HealMyBrain]

I feel you, man. My mom has been my #1 supporter throughout my life. She has stated on multiple occasions that I'm her primary reason for living. She's been experiencing very serious issues with her liver for over 4 years now, to the point where she's considered "terminal" and is currently on the organ transplant list. She's told me many times that, if I didn't exist, she would've given up a long time ago and succumbed to her illness. On one hand, I do think it's somewhat stupid to hold onto life just for the sake of others. If I'm not happy with my own existence, why should I carry on to make others feel good? I'm the only one living my life, not them. But at the same time, my death will wreck her inside and out. She'll probably have a nervous breakdown and she might even follow me through. I've learned to not worry about that so much, though, because if I succeed I won't feel anything anyway. Plus, she mentioned in conversation yesterday that I shouldn't only live for her, so I'm going to take her word for it. I'm sure my other family members will be deeply hurt as well, but my mom is the only person who I think is in actual danger of CTB'ing after I do. At least she's technically terminally ill, so she might naturally die anyway. (That's a very terrible thing to say, but it's true.)

 

[Gonnerr]

Me too , my mom was always overprotective, she will spend a few weeks in the hospital for sure, i wish i will have the strength to wait that she dies before ctb , but i might not be able to hold on.

 

[Dliena]

Same with my mother. God damn she's never going to be able to ever get over my inevitable death she just loves me too frinkin much, same with my father sister and family friends too. It's going to be a total shitshow and nothing will be able to stop that. But I just can't keep going like this for another 500 years and I'm not going to force myself or others to do the same if it's not what we desire at the end of the days. I'm really sorry to you and your family OP.

 

[wanttodie]

way are you saying going to kill your mom and dad

 

[Lycan]

way are you saying going to kill your mom and dad

No! I'm saying that if and when I CTB. My mother will die of grief. My father might also die. But I don't know if he will. I hope that's clear. I've just taken Zolpidem and I'm kind of out of it. I Love my Parents!

 

[joshua9119]

No! I'm saying that if and when I CTB. My mother will die of grief. My father might also die. But I don't know if he will. I hope that's clear. I've just taken Zolpidem and I'm kind of out of it. I Love my Parents!

I marvel at how you can be in the throes of suffering and endure it and still have compassion for others. You are a very kind person

 

[figurehead]

I had misunderstood you too, I read it too quickly and misread when you say"it's going to kill". Anyway, I can see where you come from. To me, being suicidal carries the death of my loved ones - not necessarily literally, but I'm painfully aware of what my death'd cause. That's why even if I think Im a burden for them etc etc I know the consequences would terrible for all of them. I think about my daughter the most, she's 14 now it'd mar her for life. Sorry, I don't know what to say in relation to your parents, besides try to enjoy your time with them, be kind to them, so that when/if you decide to ctb at least you know you tried your best and will have left not only grief but also happy times for them to remember.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

Yes, i understand completely what you're going trough, i'm in that awful situation as well. I spent month hesitating to ctb because of it to finally conclude that i will not be able to go trough ctb knowing the terrible consequences that will follow. Personally i just plan to stay alive for decades as a an empty robot ( cause no meaning and no desire ) only to allow my parents to live.
It's hell but i cannot imagine another scenario anymore. I'm sorry that you are trapped as well and hope you find a way to recover!

 

[underthedatetree]

Personally i just plan to stay alive for decades as a an empty robot ( cause no meaning and no desire ) only to allow my parents to live.

What you said fits my feelings perfectly. Just a hollow thing, biding time. I wish we could find a little peace during the days that are easier than the very low lows

 

[Lycan]

I marvel at how you can be in the throes of suffering and endure it and still have compassion for others. You are a very kind person

I've heard it said that depressed people tend to be more empathetic. But as my empathy has grown it has added to my torment thinking of all the suffering in the world. Too much empathy is self destructive.