Because of mental illness, I always end up feeling so much pain for things that shouldn't cause it. It's so unbearable and, most of all, unescapable, that it drowns out every possibility of happiness there could be there waiting for me. The embarrassment of knowing these feelings are so disproportionate and definitely not linked to anything that's actually happening in my life doesn't help either.
It's all a game of pretending to be ok. Eventually you do feel a lil ok, but it's some wicked form of emotional bankruptcy. You give your everything to feel good again but the expenses are too high and the profits are too low. You're overworked all the time. You're miserable all the time. You can't afford to have a second of rest. Eventually, you close the store. Eventually, you CTB.
I'm unbelievably tired. People may see me struggling sometimes but they have no idea how this feels. It's so fucking lonely. Not only I gotta feel all this, but I also have to be burdened with the knowledge that nobody around me is even remotely equipped to understand this. They constantly say the ineffective thing at best, the very annoying thing at worst. If you get angry you lose them. You become the friend that has to be sent to the hospital. Your support network shrinks. Nobody likes crazy, not that much anyway.
I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. I wanna scream it until there'll be no air left in my lungs. I wanna close my eyes and not wake up ever again. I can't think of anything in my life that is soon to happen to cheer me up enough. A lot of what should feels so painful to even think of. It's humiliating. I can't even be happy about things people tell me I should be proud of. I'm not. I feel dead inside. I feel nothing but sorrow.
I need help. I need someone to take it all away. Please.