What is the thing that has made you suicidal?

[Jean4]

Depending on the day, many different things. At this particular second... today is the 2 month anniversary of my partner CTBing.

 

[Arot]

For me, it was knowing that the person who said I was the most important person in her life has move on. Now she has lots of friends and a boyfriend. She doesn't need me anymore. Nobody does.

 

[Amossoma543]

For me, it's just a long chain of life events over the last few decades that proves to me time and again that I am just not cut out to live on this planet. I was never suited for it. I was born 2.5 months premature, I was a scrawny, little, scared, meek child who developed a terrible, severe stutter, which I still have...I was abused by 3 stepfathers, lived a horrifying childhood (so have many...I do not think I'm unique or special)...was constantly in a state of anxiety and fear as a child, hated being a child, was bullied all through early grades, it finally tapered off in high school.

I did achieve my goal of becoming a teacher, and I've done that for a number of years...but I find that I cannot get past my childhood. It haunts my thoughts, my dreams, my life...it's affected every social interaction I've had over the years. Now I am isolated, far too young to be old, but too old to try to start a brand new life, even if I had the ability to overcome the social anxiety.

I started developing MS symptoms about 10 years ago, the stuttering is worse, my entire body has jerky movements, my hands constantly tremble, my head trembles, my stutter keeps me terrified of talking on the phone.

My mother died 3 years ago from cancer, truly the only person that I was confident loved me fully with no conditions...now there is nobody who looks at me like my mother did. I'm too scared to make social connections, I know that my health problems are getting worse and doing things with others makes me terrified.

I am pretty certain that I am developing an agoraphobic reaction to the world. I know that I have PTSD, severe anxiety disorder for which I am being treated, severe depression for which I take Zoloft. Yet I still can't stop thinking about what was so awful about me as a kid that I couldn't find love...that answer will never come, especially now that my mother died.

I had this naive thinking for years that eventually some "movie ending" answer would be given for why all of that happened. Her death hammered home that all of this shit is just random. Life doesn't care if you're a kid or are suffering. It has big sharp teeth and it will bite you and never tell you why.

I have so many small personal problems that need fixing in order to make my life as stress-free as I'd need it to even consider wanting to live...and I know those problems will not be fixed, and things are just going to steadily go downward making life just more and more miserable. I cannot talk to my family members about any of this, because it would disrupt their lives, and that's not fair to them.

They would all say that it's worth it, that my life is worth it. But this is just what we are conditioned to say...the truth is, things would be far, far simpler once I am dead. The years and years of problems my life would cause them if I stayed would build resentment towards me, and I'm not willing to do that to them.

I honestly do not think I was cut out for this planet. The world is just too harsh, too cruel, too intentionally hard on people with weaknesses like I have...and I can't cut it anymore. I'm tiiiiiiiiired. I'm weary of being afraid, weary of waking up daily to trudge through another day of this existence. I want OUT. I've been afraid and anxious and fearful of so many things for so many years...I am just bone weary of all of it. To get therapy to deal with it would be so overwhelmingly anxiety inducing and would require me to talk to people I don't even know...who would all give me advice that I likely have already heard...it wouldn't change anything to the degree that I'd feel life is worth living.

 

[porfin1234]

I've had suicidal ideation on and off since I was a teen. Now my intense SI is from circumstance I've put myself in. But generally speaking I think my brains just been messed up. Maybe my moms "attempts" put the thought in my head originally. As if it were an easy way out. It ain't.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Being an intelligent and sensitive child born to idiots with drinking problems who lived in a village with mostly inbred dimwits.

 

[rntmss]

The love of my life of 10 years left me. Had a chance to fix things and I went the self destructive path and there's no going back. In my last communication with her, I apparently "irreparably shattered her love" and wants nothing to do with counselling or my rehabilitation.

I'm haunted every day. I'm on the right path with my own place and taking care of myself but the damage is done.

 

[Jean4]

Always was. Molested by my brother at age 4 who gave me Herpes. A constant reminder. Got worse since then, and I never stood a chance. Honestly, after my entire life and 9/11, it is amazing I lasted this long.

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

Just being alive trying to navigate through this shit existence constant rejection from everyone my entire life and mental illness.

 

[kira1]

Understood that there are no mental help services in my area. And was treated like shit and ridiculed at my uni just because I'm female (misogyny is normalized here and teachers would often yell at female students for no reason "You are nobody here, either shut up or go away if you disagree with the way we treat you", "Go get a brain, female students are always the worst", "Women should pursue having family with children, not a career for men" etc)

 

[ctbUniquectb]

life

 

[Girobatol]

Bipolar disorder and the meds I have to take. All the shit I´ve done while being manic. Being depressed.

 

[Majin K.]

Victim of sexual abuse by a relative and killing myself is the only way I can ensure that I'll never have to meet him again. Also my life is a dead end anyways no matter how I look at it.

 

[silvermoon]

Things just keep getting worse. I Can't bear it. My family doesn't care about me. I thought things will change. Now i lost hope. I will find peace on my own. I will catch the bus any day to reach my destiny that's death. Free from this pain and misery.

 

[Someonetired]

Realizing that my main problem was my depression, not my eating disorder, and that my chronically illness is so severe that I will never be able to have a normal life no mater if I get "well" from my mental illnesses (previously thought my exhaustion was caused by my eating disorder. I'm almost recovered now and have to accept that my exhaustion is caused by my chronic illness that won't ever go away.) so, basically realizing that I will never ever have a normal life or a day where I won't be exhausted pushed me over the edge :)

 

[Nem]

A severe reaction to dangerous meds, caused kidney, muscle and nervous system damage. Was left to die in a wheelchair at the hospital...they refused to help me. If I had a nuclear weapon that hospital would be a mushroom cloud in seconds
Peace/hugs

 

[br0kenMIND72]

Alcoholic parents in childhood which led to low self-esteem and probably overthinking about my past, I always wonder "What could have been If..."

 

[Mizzmini45]

Knowing what's to come if I stay around.

 

[TheOA]

Existence

This. Mine and others.

 

[social_anxiety_sucks]

Social anxiety, depression

 

[needaplan]

Understood that there are no mental help services in my area. And was treated like shit and ridiculed at my uni just because I'm female (misogyny is normalized here and teachers would often yell at female students for no reason "You are nobody here, either shut up or go away if you disagree with the way we treat you", "Go get a brain, female students are always the worst", "Women should pursue having family with children, not a career for men" etc)

where are you? (a vague answer is enough)

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

Started off with a DUI, and rapidly going bald right after high school. losing my hair destroyed my self esteem and made me self conscious about my looks. I was starting to become afraid of the wind, getting my hair wet, ect... This is what led to the onset of my mental illness and alcohol abuse. I truly believed that I was going to off myself at 25 (I'm 29 now.) I got another DUI on my 25th birthday after a bad break-up (girl broke up with me while I was at the psych ward after an attempt on my life.)

Spent the next 3 years still depressed. I somehow got through college during that time, but my anxiety, spotty job history, and possibly criminal record kept me from getting a job that I wanted. At 28, I experienced an extreme manic episode in which I did things to ruin my relationship with my friends and extended family. I started a relationship with a lady 16 years older than I. She struggled with alcoholism and I drank with her often.This ramped up my mania and ended up getting me institutionalized 3 times in a row and got diagnosed with BPD. After that I moved to the beach, got kicked out of my apartment because my roommate couldn't handle my mania, was homeless for 2 weeks, and got a DWI on a bike. This led me to spend 60 days in jail and forced me to move back in with my parents. Now I want to die more than ever, but still can't muster up the courage.

 

[Aleandra Felix]

Not really a trigger, more like an insight. I've been wanting to disappear since I was 12 but never thought of taking my own life. Then, at 16 my mental health and life in general was going to shit, I was digging the rock bottom deeper. That's when I realized I wouldn't magically vanish and that I had the power to end it all.

 

[waterbottleman]

Loneliness, being unwanted my entire adult life.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Loss of hope

 

[Amossoma543]

Started off with a DUI, and rapidly going bald right after high school. losing my hair destroyed my self esteem and made me self conscious about my looks. I was starting to become afraid of the wind, getting my hair wet, ect... This is what led to the onset of my mental illness and alcohol abuse. I truly believed that I was going to off myself at 25 (I'm 29 now.) I got another DUI on my 25th birthday after a bad break-up (girl broke up with me while I was at the psych ward after an attempt on my life.)

Spent the next 3 years still depressed. I somehow got through college during that time, but my anxiety, spotty job history, and possibly criminal record kept me from getting a job that I wanted. At 28, I experienced an extreme manic episode in which I did things to ruin my relationship with my friends and extended family. I started a relationship with a lady 16 years older than I. She struggled with alcoholism and I drank with her often.This ramped up my mania and ended up getting me institutionalized 3 times in a row and got diagnosed with BPD. After that I moved to the beach, got kicked out of my apartment because my roommate couldn't handle my mania, was homeless for 2 weeks, and got a DWI on a bike. This led me to spend 60 days in jail and forced me to move back in with my parents. Now I want to die more than ever, but still can't muster up the courage.

Yikes. I wish you peace, and I truly hope you find it somehow, whether here...or whatever comes next. Your right to decide. I'd fight for your right to make that decision. It's hard to survive in this world peacefully when you're plagued with what the professionals term as "mental illness". I wish you courage.

 

[Mywill]

Stressful enviornment, Strict parents thinks you owe them. (which indeed they do) I didn't ask to be any of this.

 

[LMLN]

My husband is dead. :(

 

[lambgf]

Loneliness, failed relationships.

 

[suffocatingseraphim]

Complex trauma, both in childhood and adulthood. The stresses of keeping up with adult life has become the final cliffs edge. Working a thankless and gruelling job, being told I'm worthless and awful, it all piles up slowly haha. The passing of my friend last October from ctb and the passing of my childhood cat has served as a strong push to get the job done. Hopefully soon.

 

[helpmehelpme]

feeling that leaving my marriage and ever-loving wife and dog was a mortal error i won't recover from, that i am broken and will limp through rest of life, babbling with regret, being a burden and self-hating urchin ... that's me in worst moments (and having lots of those)