BlueberryDeer
Lottery or Suicide, whatever comes first
- Nov 20, 2025
- 101
Yesterday, when I was in the bathroom, I said to myself "I'm ready to die" loudly. Then, I realized what I just said and get surprised, yet an inner peace came to me.
It was a clear mind state. As if I finally understood and accept something that have been bug me since I planned my first attempt, did it, and then remained depressed and suicidal, without trusting anyone to talk about this.
Now, I accept that I could die, even "young" (late 30's).
This doesn't mean that I'll kill myself right now after I post this thread. This statement means that I finally accept that I could die without any regrets. Even if I didn't publish any book, or meet a wonderful partner (Of any gender), or get the master degree I pretended to start 12 years ago. If I got hit by a car, or any kind of accident, that doesn't matter. I'll die in acceptance. No hell, no afterlife afraids me. Even thinking about the mourning of my family and friends... I know it sounds horrible or narcissistic, but I would not handle it in any matter.
Even my last objection to not to die by suicide, that is not being another number in the concerning suicide stats of LGBT population for not pleasing the bigotry conservative assholes, it no longer concerns me. I know this hurts the community I identify for, and I could be a bad sister for not "loving" myself, but the truth is that I am no longer judge me if I really choose to CTB in a short, mid or long period. I highly doubt I could made it through my 40s, consider the health problems - both mentally and physically - that haunts me.
So I am not in a mental state like the cartoons with a black, rain and thunder cloud over my head. I can still function. I can still work. But I am no longer judging myself if I die, for whatever reason. I wonder why my mind have more clarity and inner peace when I embrace death figuratively.
I just want to know if someone feels similarly.
It was a clear mind state. As if I finally understood and accept something that have been bug me since I planned my first attempt, did it, and then remained depressed and suicidal, without trusting anyone to talk about this.
Now, I accept that I could die, even "young" (late 30's).
This doesn't mean that I'll kill myself right now after I post this thread. This statement means that I finally accept that I could die without any regrets. Even if I didn't publish any book, or meet a wonderful partner (Of any gender), or get the master degree I pretended to start 12 years ago. If I got hit by a car, or any kind of accident, that doesn't matter. I'll die in acceptance. No hell, no afterlife afraids me. Even thinking about the mourning of my family and friends... I know it sounds horrible or narcissistic, but I would not handle it in any matter.
Even my last objection to not to die by suicide, that is not being another number in the concerning suicide stats of LGBT population for not pleasing the bigotry conservative assholes, it no longer concerns me. I know this hurts the community I identify for, and I could be a bad sister for not "loving" myself, but the truth is that I am no longer judge me if I really choose to CTB in a short, mid or long period. I highly doubt I could made it through my 40s, consider the health problems - both mentally and physically - that haunts me.
So I am not in a mental state like the cartoons with a black, rain and thunder cloud over my head. I can still function. I can still work. But I am no longer judging myself if I die, for whatever reason. I wonder why my mind have more clarity and inner peace when I embrace death figuratively.
I just want to know if someone feels similarly.
