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DiscussionWhat are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.
Thread starterRose Mirren
Start date
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I feel anxious for no reason to be here, I don't understand why, I feel inadequate and wrong as if I've committed some crime... I can't answer messages without getting anxious, I'm not responding because I'm cold, but my chest tightens and my throat tightens for no reason, but I think it's better if I leave, better if I don't bother anyone...
I feel a smidge of hope again.
But then again.....
I'm not sure what to do about my therapist. They sounded really annoyed and upset with me that I rejected her advice of going for a walk/meditating in the garden....
And I don't think they want to move forward with me. But I know walking/being outside has the opposite effect on me. Because it's incredibly stressful for me as someone with autism (and its social quirks), agoraphobia and (social) anxiety. I CAN enjoy being outside. Just not alone. It's complicated. But in general being outside makes me feel like some small, exposed, vulnerable prey and predators can swoop in at any moment. And they just can't understand that trying "walking outside" to boost mental health is just not worth all the stress for me, especially when I'm feeling super down to the point of contemplating suicide (it can take me up to 90 minutes to get the courage to go outside for a walk...and then during the walk my chest feels tight and every person I encounter feels intimidating and like a threat and exposure therapy doesn't help because the reason it's so scary is ME. Me being awkward. Me not being able to fend for myself. Me barely managing to whisper a "hi" back and upsetting the other person etc.). Or meditating outside for that matter. I try to meditate but it just never helps? It's just a distraction, but it doesn't make me feel more relaxed or whatever outcome my therapist expects. It's the same with meditating to fall asleep. As soon as the meditating is over, even if I'm drifting off... I wake up again, still hyper vigilant.
I don't have a lot of leeway w.r.t. therapists, as there just aren't many in my area and I'm bound by insurance.... so if they don't want to see me anymore, I'm kind of scared... how do I help myself on my own? How do I make sure I don't spiral?
familial incest makes me sicker than anything. just any familial abuse actually. i guess my thought just specifically began with incest because the sexual aspect furthers my disturbance. family is said to be everything but then what happens if you have a family like that? does that mean you have nothing? i feel like i have nothing. all of the other people with good families and friends don't want or even need people like me who have nothing. they're already happy and complete. i think i hurt my own feelings by looking to people who are complete and wishing i could be apart of their completeness or have my own completeness to relate to theirs. i'm not even sure why i'm saying this when it's been proved to me that it's more complex than that. i'm inbetween the loneliness of having no one and the realization that it's probably better this way. i'll never stop wishing and feeling empty for things that are barely or if ever possible though. oh and i'll never stop projecting my trauma onto people and situations who have nothing to do with it.
and i feel a lot like this right now:
Reactions:
emotion, darksouls, CTB Dream and 1 other person
why does everybody eventually turn into somebody i don't know? so much that i have no choice but to remove them from my life because of the detriment they bring to it. maybe i've been naive and hoped for the best when i really should have always expected demise.
Like most nights I find myself in an aura of sadness from which there is no escape.
Tooth pain and migraines keep my depression company for now though depression is the worst of it.
I do not know who I really am anymore and in place of any goals or dreams I just find myself yearning for an end -- THE end -- yet I have no idea where it will come or if it'll come as a result of me going ot CTB or not. I have good friends; great ones in fact, and I very much enjoy spending my time with them yet as soon as I'm on my own again I find myself rapidly falling apart.
Oh to be a kid again with my mind clear of these thoughts and these traumas that I have found piled on top of me.
Life sucks but I still find myself clinging to this odd and naive hope that something somewhere might get better and maybe that's the only reason I remain.
Reactions:
itsgone2, darksouls and CTB Dream
CTB Dream
Injury damage disabl hard talk no argu make fun et
God is like "Do you want to be an emperor or a savior archangel?" I instantly answer savior. But says if I was a selfish, bad, evil emperor, everyone would worship and love me and agree that I own the fucking planet and everyone on it. They tell me that if I was a selfless, kind savior people would hate me, ignore me, not no who I am, or even hate me and ridicule me.
And I'm here like "Gee, do I want to be the most evil, selfish, psychopathic, narcissistic Emperor ever or the Archangel of Justice, kindness, helping? My heart says justice, but people scream "Omg, emperors are the best!"".
Curse humans. May they only have archangels of justice, never kings or emperors.
Every weekend it's the same. Brain gets hopeful friday evening. Saturday is back to bed rotting misery. Sunday the same but with dread of enduring another week. It needs to happen already. I hate this world
i just want to be dead and everything i was trying to stay alive for isn't worth it i just made stupid commitments when i had hope and now im stuck alive for like like three more months because i don't want to let down people who probably don't even care
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