Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dejected 55]

Alternating always between numbness and pain. I realize now I am stuck here, for who knows how long, in a miserable life that I can do nothing about. I can make minor adjustments and maybe achieve technical existence, but never thriving or living... just existing until something eventually takes me. I have very little choice, and what choice I appear to have is mostly illusion.

 

[x3la]

I think i made my first real attempt last saturday. I got incredibly drunk and wandered up on a bridge to do it. Managed to climb up on the railing but just as i was about to climb over the suicide prevention "net" i was stopped by a couple passing by.

Next time i won't fail.

 

[KenDuh]

Wondering, what am I, what should I do with it

 

[corpse]

My biggest wish will come true next year. I was afraid it wouldn't work out because it's really expensive, but you only live once. So I guess I just have to hold on until then and see what happens.

 

[darksouls]

the darkness and coldness in my soul is unbearable, I feel trapped in this endless loop of suffer

 

[Dejected 55]

The days are now shorter, but feel longer to me... time passes slowly... but then I look and a week has flown by somehow. Everything is falling apart around me and I can do very little about it. I am reduced to begging for peanuts and even that is only barely going to sustain until my whole world fully crumbles. I am either ignored or misunderstood. I have no reason to look forward to anything but misery the rest of my life, and now that I failed and went through that aftermath, the wind is out of my sails for trying again... so I have to just sit here and live with it all washing over me and continue in misery and pain and hope my heart stops in my sleep for no particular reason. But it won't... I'm going to suffer more, perhaps more than I've ever suffered in my life... and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

 

[corpse]

I was so full of hope today and now I'm depressed again.

 

[yesi]

So so tired

 

[GlassMoon]

Pain and something like sadness below the surface which I can't get hold of.

 

[Marbas]

I'm tired and I really wish I could fall asleep but I can't seem to. I've got a lot of stressful work stuff going on so I could really use the sleep if my body would let me.

 

[trist]

I'm stressed out of my mind because I've been trying to get a hold of SN for months but it just seems impossible. I planned to ctb on the 22nd of november but it's not gonna happen like this. I'm looking into alternative methods but everything seems too hard/risky or even more unobtainable than SN. I'm thinking of jumping but there isn't anything suitable to jump off nearby so I'd have to travel which is fine but I'm too overwhelmed to figure out all of that right now. Next to that, my parents expect me to return to my studies but they can't see (or perhaps purposefully ignore) that I'm way too fucking depressed for that right now despite giving them signs. Yesterday I actually went to university and had an embarrassingly huge breakdown afterwards which they witnessed! Oh well.

I'm insanely exhausted and I get more depressed every time I wake up. At this point I'm tempted to just set myself on fire or something.

 

[EmptyBottle]

annoyed that the arduino-clone won't even print to serial! (tried a few times)

TLDR: Issue fixed not too long after :)

I was trying to get the arduino to send a blank screen signal (because otherwise, the nice OLED screen will remain frozen on the last number and potentially cause burn-in). Ultimately, I replugged the board in to blank the display (and my 120+ days of thermometer monitoring is now in a different file, I wonder how long the next file will be).

The next day, when making the board print a digit to the terminal, I discovered the watchdog wasn't disabled... when disabling it failed, I chose to enable it, but have it reset regularly. It's now able to run a floor thermometer for over a day straight vs rebooting every second without sending thermometer data back.

 

[Black_Knight]

I keep sleeping all day instead of doing things I should be doing. Apartment is a mess. Need to do laundry. I'm considering getting caffeinated and staying up all night to do stuff even though I have school in 12 hours.

 

[darksouls]

I live in eternal darkness and the darkness lives in my soul, I feel frozen in my fortress of solitide

 

[Marbas]

I think I'm really tired of making excuses that things will get better when they clearly won't

 

[grandmotherboxing]

Warm and fuzzy on the inside, but a little bit like i have exit wounds under my eyes. Hollowed out and slightly patched together with flextape

 

[Grog]

I feel alienated from most people.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

My parents wanted a second kid, so here I am, 31 years later, dealing with all this bullshit. How on Earth I'm supposed to take any of it seriously...

We're just an ensemble of processes with the unfortunate capacity of consciousness. Fuck whoever says this matters.

I'm just feeling the loathe, meanwhile being aware of the absolute futility of expressing it in this thread.

 

[cosimaniehaus]

I deserve peace

 

[KenDuh]

My nose is swollen, I can't breath really well. Yesterday when I was trying to sleep i couldn't breath (at least from the nose), started hyperventilating, felt anxious, thought I was going to die, but not from the breathing, I've been having nightmares where I die, and then I woke up really agitated. Right now, I feel sleepy, the new meds are taking a toll on me, i have problems breathing now and then, I also feel empty like everything is just weight

 

[Dejected 55]

Strange. Found out some information about my financial situation that might become workable... time will tell. Also fighting to right other financial ships that are ticking faster at the moment. But also strangely got some bad news today that was weirdly sprinkled with good news in an odd way. I mean, it was bad news but in learning it, I learned something else I feared was not true... and the bad news is a week old and maybe has turned around. It's hard to vaguely explain. But it leaves me in a weird state of being glad of something that I shouldn't be glad of and sad about something that actually is semi-helpful. Weird.

 

[itsgone2]

I'm getting closer. I'm about to crack. But it's like my body just keeps moving against my wishes.

 

[fleischmaschina]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I know this is from 2018 but I swear even before I opened the thread I said to myself "empty".

 

[yesi]

I'm not cooked, I'm burnt.

 

[CTB Dream]

this rly awfl wrld all pain sffr nostp me no psbl do any all pain sffr nostp rly awfl wrld rly awfl all

 

[Black_Knight]

I think the threshold for what other people in daily life consider to be insanity is much lower than what I thought it was
and I think I might be crossing that threshold without realizing it

 

[GlassMoon]

Relieved. I had to get a formal document corrected because I only now noticed that other people can see the mistakes. I had noticed shortly after I had received it that there was a mistake, but I had been too burnt out to ask for changes. Now, of course the office clerks were unhappy I notified them after such a long time, but I got the corrected version nonetheless...

 

[Dejected 55]

General confusion and some anxiety over the state of things in my life. Not sure what to do or how to proceed on almost anything. Real life is difficult, especially when you get slapped down on an almost regular basis.

 

[Manaaja]

There's one person I've known for about 15 years. Today was the first time I saw them writing shit.

If I meet a person named Angelica, and name my character after her, and years later I find out her name means angel, it doesn't mean I named my character after angels. Especially if I'm not a native English speaker and in my language, angel is enkeli, and I didn't know what angel meant.

What the person knew and what their intentions were matter.

If I don't know that Diablo means devil, but my neighbors's had a cool dog named Diablo when I was a kid, and I name my new dog Diablo. My dog isn't named after the devil, it's named after a dog named Diablo. If my dog has devilish traits, that still doesn't change what it was named after.

 

[Black_Knight]

I really wish I could give dying a trial run. Like something where I knew for certain I would be resuscitated after enough time to experience dying but before it causes permanent damage. That way I could jump into it headfirst (no pun intended; definitely wouldn't be going out that way) and confront/embrace the fear because I know there are no real consequences to it. I feel like dying is a skill that could be practiced and SI could be overcome through repeated trials this way.

I also feel like I'm always fixated on death regardless of my life circumstances or how I'm feeling. I don't think that fixation can ever go away until I experience it firsthand and that curiosity is sated. I'm not trying to tempt fate by saying that tho, I'm not curious about dying traumatically or unexpectedly. And there has to be a point where I'm alive afterwards to experience that satiation.

I guess it's just bonkers to me that becoming "practiced at death" isn't something that's a fundamental part of our education. It's the one thing we all know is gonna happen to us.