Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[itsgone2]

I really would like to ctb today. Like most days I've done little. Haven't dressed or showered. Barely any food. Still taking no pleasure in anything. I don't see me doing it and I can't see continuing to live my life either. Nothing else to say really. Just stuck.

 

[Manaaja]

Look under this spoiler:

Congratulations, you won the game!

I don't want to get self-banned, but I really want to stop using this site for a while. Because writing about things doesn't help. No one has ever won the game by writing about the game or reviewing the game.

 

[Bowerbird]

i want to be with her but i can't

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

324 days until ctb, and it's too long, I wish time would skip ahead, or for the ideal circumstance to appear earlier

 

[SunnySideSummer]

I feel weird , 50% less sad than usual

 

[FadingSnowFake]

So defeated and sad, even my physical health is starting to decline. All of this was just so unnecessary, why oh why are we here to be broken and die.

 

[Dejected 55]

I weird almost tranquility washed over me at some point yesterday as I realized... I could get a miracle and have my dream fulfilled and live the life I always wanted OR I can die alone, in a few weeks... and I'm equally comfortable with either outcome. While I want one much more, of course, I will not be unhappy with either fate, accepting them as truth in the moment.

 

[westerly_merlin]

I had a kind word from someone I work with, it meant so much I teared up.

Strange how one act of kindness can stop you spiralling down and give you a little lift

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Displaced, I can't shake the feeling that I shouldn't be here. Feel like a glitch.

 

[R-7]

Once again it's another night where things are getting to me.

Crying, isolating, just laying in bed etc. stuff like that. I also just laid down in my closet with the lights off for a few minutes just to simulate feeling 'nothing'.

 

[sukiduki]

being a side character in your own life sucks

 

[Grog]

I feel like throwing up because I'm so sad. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

[Dejected 55]

being a side character in your own life sucks

I wish I were a side-character... I'm just an extra in the background who says "peas and carrots" over and over to simulate existence.

 

[Dejected 55]

I tossed a metaphorical grenade into things a little bit ago. Who knows what that will stir up. I'm being intentionally vague. It's just, I'm out of ideas... this is one that I probably shouldn't have tried, but I did because I wanted to and I am at the end of things so long-term consequences really aren't my thing anymore. If nothing works, then all I have is short-term... if something works, then any fallout could be handled over time. But now I'm anxious, waiting to see what ripples form in the water.

edit: And it didn't take long to start backfiring. Not entirely unexpected, but in the manner it unfolded a little bit of a surprise. But no matter. I'm used to disappointment and failure and a knack for doing the wrong thing in the moment. I am now in a bit of a daze though, feeling like I am way back deep behind my eyes looking out in the distance through the eyeholes into the light of the world as if I am so very far away, hidden, untouched directly by reality but touched very deeply by the absence of any real connection to anyone or anything.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

I love my family; they love me, but I wish they had mercy-killed me. I'm so tired of being me. I'm tired of being an autistic r*tard. Euthanasia would be an act of kindness and relieve everyone of the burden of my stupid fucking existence. I've prayed for this for over ten years, and I still wish for it. Please. Please. Fucking please kill me. Please. Please. Please. Please. I don't want this to be the rest of my existence.

Damn my creation.

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel like I'm almost ready to go now. I hope I make it.

 

[Dejected 55]

I am the losingest loser that ever lost. I tried to die hours ago... I didn't die. I don't know what to do now. I was so ready... I was so proud of myself for preparing and following through and making the attempt... I was nervous and hands shaking uncontrollably but I did it... I made the attempt... and it didn't go how I'd imagined. Unforeseen complications that I couldn't overcome. I wanted so much to be dead... I thought I was so close... and I failed. I was very scared of this for months... what happens if I try and fail and I don't have another easy option? I don't know what to do. I was so ready and I tried my best... and I failed, just like I've failed at life. Now I failed at death too. How can I fail at life and death? Why can't anything ever go right for me? I am so miserable and now on top of all that, I know I failed at dying... I don't have a backup... I don't know what to do.

 

[R-7]

I do not know when or how I'll do it but tonight is one of those nights I may have taken care of it if I had the means.

I don't feel very good.

 

[Eternal Disaster]

I feel like a failure, like I have lost everything, complete loser. I can't stop hating myself. My future is terrible and I am dreading it. People around me are going ahead and I am being dragged backwards into darkness.

 

[PeopleAreCruel]

Defeated and scared. If I don't die soon I will be tortured. I hope I'm able to find a way out soon.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Satisfied. My therapist (and my mother) gave me a birthday message. It feels like my birth has some meanings or purposes right now. Even if I finally have to choose CTB, I'm truly happy with being born thanks to this moment.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

prolifers are annoying, and I don't want to be near them anymore, I wanna make my own peace

 

[itsgone2]

Numb. No anxiety pain today. But so tired. My brain needs rest so bad.

 

[corpse]

I'm relieved because I finally got discharged from the psychiatry today after 10 weeks.

 

[Manaaja]

How insults from the first group feel like: "You drive a pink bicycle? Awww! You gay? Are you gonna take your boyfriend on a date on it? Haha! *pets hair* Anyway, do you wanna come and play playstation with me? I bought the new Fifa!"


How insults from the second group feel like "I didn't read what you wrote, but I'm sure you are actually a racist, misogynist, homophobe who hates poor people! I'm first gonna block you! Now, I'm now gonna cast a spell which makes everyone see you as Hitler and I'm gonna make everyone curse your name for all eternity!!! Shame on you, how dare you! Look everyone, how evil this man is! Everyone, hate him! Don't you dare try to defend yourself! You know everyone hates you and you should be ashamed of yourself! I bet you kick puppies! I know you are a dirty cockroach! You probably have a small penis and you suck at sex! And I can just imagine your neckbeard and balding head! No woman will ever want you! I hope you stay away from children! Mods, ban him! Army, help me, damsel in distress!".

The first group can be annoying, but I fucking hate the second group so much.

 

[R-7]

I'm feeling crushed under the weight of my own life.

I get that many people probably have it worse off than me and I feel for them, I really do, but this is one of those nights where I really don't feel like I'm cut out for this whole 'life' thing. I have no idea how people live without all of these negative feelings as not having all of this depression is a foreign concept to me.

I want out but I have no idea how I'd do such a thing yet.

 

[Black_Knight]

This shit is hitting me hard fuck I'm such an idiot (but I had to do it)
It's gonna teach me why I don't want to die

This is my first time ever doing this while being physical miles away from anyone who loves me

My God I never appreciated that

I have no fucking clue how I'm meant to live! but I can't let myself die so what do I do?

 

[Manaaja]

The boys in my town when they were teenagers:

"Girls need to have long blond hair, have blue eyes, be anorexic, look like models, be rich, be tall, have absolutely flawless skin. and not a single health condition!! We'll bully to suicide anyone who isn't a perfect aryan blond!"

The same boys now:

"Omg, please baby, I love you, I'm so desperate, I'll do anything for you, please let me pay you 100 dollars to shit in my mouth!".



It's disgusting how those male failures made a mountain of requirements and standards for teenage girls, they thought every 13 year old needs to be a millionaire heiress with D cups, bee waist, wide hips, sexy legs, pure white skin with not a single mole or dot, yet when those same males turned 30, they are now begging for any female, no matter how ugly or poor or old or ill, to even look at them. Hell, they'd probably simp for a cleaning mop.

 

[broken serenity]

trepidation, uncertainty, fear, and butterflies

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I'm so so SO sooooooo tired of the fucking paternalistic tone of suicide prevention's narrative. It's nauseating, revolting. Treating adults like incapable kids.