So, before my ECT sessions start, I have these brief check ins with my doctor.
This morning, I was just really honest and mentioned I haven't been doing much because my ideation has been so horrible. I'm really trying my best, but it's hard when you're constantly thinking about wanting to die 24/7 throughout the day…
I'll be in a car hoping it'll crash, or out walking and hoping one will just hit me. I feel like that's no way for anyone to live, it sucks.
But he thinks it's not a big deal — as long as i'm not planning anything, I just need to push through it and it's so frustrating to hear that. I literally wanted to cry.
He wants me to deal with that, all while trying to apply to vet school…
Maybe I am making excuses for myself, I'm not sure. If I really wanted to die, I guess I would've done it by now. Most of my close friends on here are gone.
It's just hard to do these things when you've lost all the drive to live. Every time I fight back, I get kicked down and I'm exhausted.
Anyways, hope everyone on here is hanging on the best they can
