Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[0bsolete]

I've been avoiding the main suicide discussion forum as I feel it'll then make these feelings real. I think at some point I'll have to accept my efforts at self-improvement haven't really worked. Feeling scared and anxious. I've not been outside since Tuesday. I've only spoken to one person since then. There has been no gym or tennis this week. I just hate going outside at the moment. It always feels like everyone is watching and judging me. Everybody else sems to have their lives together, I feel like such a failure.

I've also been struggling with two health problems this week. My foot is very sore (had surgery on it a year ago). NHS said they would operate in the middle of 2025...! So I had to go private as the consultant said it would get worse over time and there would be less chance of the surgery being successful as time goes on. Spent 5k of my savings on it :( I was hoping it would have been better by now, but I think it's always going to ache. I'm not as good at tennis as I used to be as I can't move around as I did before. Luckily, I'm tall and have long arms, so it's not the end of the world I guess.

I've also been getting horrible tailbone pain which is really getting me down. I went from 22 stone in November to 16 stone. Unfortunately, that means I'm no longer sitting on fat…and it hurts…a lot. I've been referred to the NHS, but they have estimated it will take around 250 days to be seen. I've been waiting over a year for a cardiology appointment on the NHS for AFIB, so I'm not holding my breath. I've been doing squats at the gym, hoping to build muscle in that area but no luck so far. Did 5 reps of 120KG last week, just got to keep plugging away and increase the weight I lift each week, I think. Sometimes I'm tempted to just gorge myself on chocolate and put all the weight back on so I have lots of comfy fat to sit on!

Unfortunately I will be going outside tomorrow as I've invited an acquaintance from my local tennis club to the Sunday tennis session I attend at another club (I'm a member of two different clubs, one has hard courts and the other clay). I don't like to let people down, so I'll have to go along as she doesn't want to attend the club on her own as a new member.

I can never seem to be "in the moment", whilst I'm playing, all I'll be thinking about is that the social session will end soon and I'll be driving home alone, to then sitting alone the rest of the day and evening. It would be so nice to have somebody to go home to. Someone I can share my day with and spend time with. Sounds pathetic when I type it out. I think I'm just very lonely and have been for a long time now.

Been thinking more about suicide. My failed attempt was full suspension hanging but I messed it up. I feel I'd do a better job with another attempt as I found this forum and have read the thread about it. However, I think it will now be my backup method. Ideally, I'd prefer SN. I will keep contributing to this forum and will hopefully find a source at some point in the near future.

The only other two options I can think of would be to jump from beachy head, but this would be very scary. Or jumping from the Severn bridge but again… scary. Taking SN, lying back and listening to music is a lot more appealing.

Typing all of this out has helped with my anxiety a little…thank you for reading if you got this far.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I want to go back to SHing now but I can't because I told them about it. I regret having decided to open up about my SH with them but at the same time I am aware of the fact that they likely would have found out about it eventually. There was no way I could have hid those scars from them for that long, especially as the months started to get warmer.

I feel kind of hypocritical saying this, tbh. At the same time, I also feel hypocritical for trying to tell others not to do it considering my replies prior to it.

Otherwise, today has been good. I got to see my brother for the first time in months, which was really nice.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Intense discomfort and tolerable pain, followed by short lived euphoria, on repeat, after downing a Carolina Reaper 6 hours ago. 0/10 don't do it.

 

[sukiduki]

everything i do feels so pointless and worthless, especially knowing that its very realistic that i will ctb next year. every purchase i make, every plan i make, what is it all for? nothing matters now, and it certainly won't matter when i'm gone.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

The pain won't stop. It is dull but always there, constantly, and it hurts enough to be always on my mind. I just feel tired and unable to focus. Sometimes I feel tired but then close my eyes and realize I wasn't tired at all, my eyes just hurt. Whenever I try to do an assignment it takes me 6 hours to complete an assignment that takes everyone else 1. I still can't tell if it's because it's blurry, if I'm just an idiot, or if I'm not trying hard enough to understand it, but probably a combination of all 3. My only comfort is that if all goes well I'll be out of it all by next year.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I feel stressed out right now. My bf keeps on getting mad at me whenever I tell him that we cannot video call or talk on the phone whenever I'm home. I keep on explaining to him that it's because if my mom finds out then we're screwed, but he doesn't seem to care. He keeps on accusing me of not loving him, talking about breaking up, and claiming that we aren't in a relationship then whenever I tell him this. Even HE has acknowledged the fact that she would be pissed if she found out about us dating (he is older than her). He doesn't listen to it. It's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I fucking hate it. It causes me to sometimes lash out and text him a lot of stuff about because of how much it impacts me emotionally and then I have to apologize afterwards for the outburst but I don't think he even cares. He'll praise me for doing whatever he says but then, when I tell him that we can't always do certain things, he gets upset at me and insists on us doing it anyway and completely ignores my concerns. Other times, he'll respect the fact that I cannot or do not want to do something for a bit and then go right back to insisting that I do it. He'll do all of this while also simultaneously claiming that I have something wrong in my head.


I'm not typing this out as some sort of slanderous vent post about my bf. He's a very sweet person who tries his best to uplift me and has shown a lot of genuine concern towards me before. I just feel frustrated and stressed out right now. Maybe I am in the wrong? Idk. I don't want to risk my mom finding out and getting upset and making me block him. I love him and I keep on trying to explain this to him but he never listens. He keeps on going on about how "I guess we're not going to be anything if you keep on worrying about other people finding out about us", treating it as though I'm embarrassed to be with him and ignoring the concerns I have over being made to cut him out of my life if anyone finds out about us.

Edut: I ended up video calling him just now. His mood seemed to improve and we had a nice chat (though I couldn't really on account of my mom being awake on the other room). I love him so much. He means so much to me.

Big Big Big Red Flags from this dude !!!!!!
I can't tell you what to do but he seems controlling.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Big Big Big Red Flags from this dude !!!!!!
I can't tell you what to do but he seems controlling.

He's not controlling me. He seems to have a tendency to get both overly horny and a bit clingy at times, but that'sabiut it. The behaviour will likely die down as time goes on. I come here to vent, so my posts shouldn't be taken as an actual representation of the people I vent about but rather as a reflection of my feelings towards them at the time.

 

[BasePl27]

After going through my first ever breakup, I can safely say that I feel horrible about myself. The breakup was mutual but it left me feeling very, alien, like towards myself. The situation that sparked the end was kinda ugly not gonna lie, and I hate what happened and how my ex partner turned out. People change sure, I guess that's the human experience. I hate it. I was solely motivated by the relationship I used to have. I feel almost everything, one day I'm cheerful that I get to be free of this, the other I'm angry, next day I'm calm and another I'm jealous. His life is so comfortable without me in it, and mine is taking few steps back. His job/pay is amazing, his social life is great, and all of that is reminding me of how much of nothing I am without having someone close to me. At the same time I feel very hurt by what have happened, shit is straight up unfair. I went out of my way to make things better for us but it cost us the whole relationship. What kind of fucked up reality is that? I think lot of the darkness from my ex seeped into my heart as well. He's broken and I'm unrealized. The fact that I can't properly socialize with other people IRL is also fucking me up.. I wish I didn't have to attention seek like this. I wish it was easier to end it all.

 

[parentportaldotnet]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

i'm thinking if ponyo. and how if the little boy didn't return her love, then she would turn to sea foam. why can't that happen to me ? i wish i felt the love from my parents that ponyo felt from sosuke. but they don't and in the most perfect universe, i would dissolve away and turn into foam. why can't that happen.

 

[BroodingBleu]

Back again on this thread after a loooong time for another entry.

Motiveless, is a good word. Absolutely no will whatsoever, barely even enough to shower and brush my teeth most days, lately. Family getting angry at me because I'm not answering calls, and they can't fathom why, despite knowing what I deal with mentally. Enrolled in college, but I have to follow up with the admissions office before October and I literally can't muster up the ability just to make one simple fucking phone call. Have the money saved to fic the tags on my car, and update my driver's license, but have I done that? Nope. Why? Literally no reason besides my lack of motivation to even get out of bed.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel so fucking fat and ugly right now. I want to kill myself so badly.

 

[kiki <3]

in a lot of pain from working out so i can't even think. i keep pushing the limits of my body, always overexercising and putting myself up for a test. i know i am harming myself but i need to feel something.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

These days I'm just always so angry all the time and I can't accurately pinpoint as to why. It just feels like I want an excuse to yell at or torture someone but I want that someone to be me. Thankfully there's no one I can turn to but people keep saying I should put myself out there but as much as I want to I know I shouldn't and I know I need to be killed before I really hurt someone else.

 

[standingfast]

I have lost the war that is life. I can't even figure out an effective way to die.

 

[fallingtopieces]

Feeling more like ctb is all that's left. My body is picking up on this and anxiety is up.
Frustrated by not having a peaceful way out.

 

[LifeQuitter]

I'm sick of how repetitive each day feels, even if I do something different it still feels the same.

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

I wish I knew.

 

[fleetingnight]

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I really don't want to be here.
I don't want to be in this house, or in this body, or on this planet. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

dreading that I will wake up tomorrow.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Am I in the wrong for not wanting to call or video call my bf every day (this is a rhetorical question, btw)? We are in a ldr and I have to hide the relationship from my family since they wouldn't be too pleased about me being in a relationship with some older dude I met online. He tries to video call me and call me on the phone daily and I keep on telling him that while I'm fine with us texting each other every day I don't see us video calling or talking on the phone every day to be realistic due to the risk of my mom finding out. I told him that we should try doing it every once a week instead, but he doesn't agree. He gets offended and talks about how he doesn't like me hiding our relationship, even though he acknowledges that my mom wouldn't be happy if she found out. He claims that I should tell her soon, despite me having told him that she'll make me block him if I do. He keeps on bringing up me being an adult and about how he told his mom, but he's older than me and lives on his own. His mom wouldn't be able to do anything to stop him, but my mom could. To add to this, his mom isn't the same as my mom.

He has also gone on to put little effort into giving me a heads up whenever he wants to video call, despite me telling him to because I don't want to risk my mom walking by and finding out. He always brings up that we "must not be in a relationship then" or about how I "don't want to be his girlfriend" or about us breaking up whenever I don't answer his calls, as though I'm always doing so purpose. He texted me this

I think I probably should find somebody else I can't do this when I want to talk to my girl I should be able to talk to her anytime I want so yeah I don't think this is going to work which sucks

On Friday, which caused me to panic. I immediately video-called him and he acted like nothing happened.

I feel bad. I went on to the ldr subreddit and found that there were a lot of couples who claimed that they would chat with their partners every day for hours.

I also don't like how all of our video calls turn sexual. I understand that he gets horny very easily, but it's really annoying, especially since it'll involve me having to make some very comprising poses and I'm scared about my mom barging in and getting caught like that. It nearly happened once. He'll also sometimes keep on trying to get me to do things, even when I tell him I don't want to, repeating said demand over and over again or saying "yes" on repeat. It's annoying. Sometimes he'll respect my wishes for a bit and then ask me to do it again a little bit later. I don't like how our video calls nearly always turn into him demanding that I take off my clothes. They can actually be very nice when he isn't thinking with his other head.

I also don't like video calling or talking on the phone in general. I've never been into that kind of stuff. I find it draining for me, which only makes this entire ordeal even more stressful.

It's all starting to make me feel miserable.

I'm not completely innocent here. There have been a few times where I blew up at him over text, sending him a shitload of text messages that are usually a mixture of me complaining about my frustrations with him and then apologizing a whole bunch once it has hit me what I've just done and there have been two instances where I ended our video calls out of frustration.

Also, please do not make any assumptions about my bf based on my vent posts about him. He's a very lovely person and these posts are just me venting about him. You cannot assume much about him or about anyone who I make vent posts about, as I'm only talking about one or a few aspects of them, so you are not getting the full picture.

 

[shrobae]

id like to be so much yk. i want to be this and that but ik i cant. i would but i dont have the energy. i want to feel better. i want all kinds of things except the things i have. im getting to a point that i want to stop. i just want time to stop. i want to gts and not wake up but its not that easy. it never is. i feel like im losing more people now, i dont think anyone has my back. its some kind of fucked up spiral into oblivion, id help people if i could but im not good enough at being nice. i hurt ppl and thats all ive ever done. i can switch up faster than anyone youve ever known. i just want some help but nothing helps permanently. everything is temporary and im not ok with that being the truth. if its temporary i dont even want to try. im over everything. i dont want to die, i just want to get better.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Upset.

My workplace banned listening to music, even if it's just through a single earbud, because it makes them look unprofessional. I did a shift without listening to music when I really really really want to and it was draining. I have long hair which hides the earbud, I'm pretty sure nobody would notice if I wore it, but I love the job too much to risk anything.

 

[amnesia999]

Everything is frustrating. Even the little stupid things that don't matter and shouldn't be frustrating. Life seems like it's nothing but frustration and it's really getting on my nerves. Even worse, my partner often feels the same way. That makes communication between us fraught.

He keeps on bringing up me being an adult and about how he told his mom, but he's older than me and lives on his own.

He needs to understand that the reality is that when you live under your parents' roof, you have to play by their rules. Best of luck to you.

 

[render]

if he's not lying to me he's hiding something he won't admit it but he's thrown me away after he got done using me he's tired of me and he wants to cut me off but he's too scared to do anything about it so everything is just left to fester and rot but i cant work up the courage to do anything either. does it feel good? does it feel good to get rid of deadweight and get back the real deal?

i can make it better for you. you shouldn't have called the cops. you should have let me die and when it happens you'll understand what a big favor i'm doing for you. you'll understand that my death will set you free. if you got over me so quick because im suicidal you'll feel like a brand new person after they burn my corpse and toss it into the pacific

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Finally, be so close to others make me feel so inconfortable. Haha story of my life !

 

[Promised Heaven]

A tiny part of me just wants to CTB instantly so I can stop perceiving my current pains.

They say pain is temporary, and the feeling passes. And while it does, it always returns, cradling me back into the thought of impulsively CTBing.

10 years of this. My friends and family will be tired of me if I say I'm suicidial again, having lose friends during to wearing them down with it. It really is the silent way of saying I'm a burden without directly speaking it.

I'm a burden.

I wish people would be more blunt about it so I feel less guilty about thinking of ending my life.

 

[Necessary Evil]

i really want to die right now. i feel like i don't fit in anywhere. like i'm not made for this world. like i shouldn't be here. why am i here? why was i created? why was i born? i contribute nothing to this world. i'm good for nothing. no one needs me and i don't need anyone. then, if i am just a hindrance, why am i here... i need answers... i am so lonely, so miserable... who would want to be with a person like me, broken inside... i am so replaceable... nobody thinks about me. nobody knows about me. nobody knows who i am and nobody cares. and if i am not in somebody's thoughts, am i really alive? am i somebody? all these things in my mind and no answers... i am so tired.

 

[standingfast]

Back in 2008 I had tested out my "exit bag" way to ctb...I remember feeling so at peace that I had found my out and the test felt so comforting. I remembered that comforted feeling today and feel like I can prepare that again and go.

 

[consider]

*venting Suddenly feel really anger that my father told me I was a burden to him throughout my whole childhood. He constantly beat me head when he was angry until he got tired. It is very sick thing to do after watching me throw up or pee myself. Why did them have me if they don't want me in the very beginning? Cuz they are fucking Buddhists and thought I was their karma so I was born. So they are victims here. How was i born if they didn't fuck each other. How is this my fault? They didn't dare to get an abortion so they fked me up instead? And they think they are right cuz now I'm really nothing but a trash. I hate that I can't find a pain free way to leave so I'm stuck in this world.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I hate having eczema. I'm having a bad flare-up right now and I look awful. I have rashes on my underarms, my fingers, and in embarrassing places and I get so itchy at times that it effects my sleep. It's so bad that it is making me feel even more suicidal. I haven't had a flare-up this bad in a long time. I fucking hate my body.

Looking on the brightside, I'm chatting with my bf right now and it's helping to lift my mood a bit. It's also distracting me a bit from the itching.