Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Neuron.exe]

I have to kill myself eventually but my brain isn't in that "fuck the survival instinct let's get the fuck out of here" mode that I got lucky with last April. I let the opportunity slip, I chickened out, there's likely nothing after death but I'm so scared it's anything at all. What the fuck will it take, my backs against the wall in more ways than one but it's not enough yet?? Overdue bills, shitty living conditions, lonely, isolated, self hatred, no family or friends, fat, unhealthy and no motivation to make anything better. I wish there was some drug I could take to remove the survival instinct.

 

[kiki <3]

i am thinking about heartbreak. it's been a year. i have been thinking about her hard for the past few months, especially today. i often pray that she reaches out to me, as i have messaged her and let her know that i still love her and would be more than happy to try again. we were both in our own shambles when we were together, however having to love and care about her made life so much more enjoyable, i was genuinely happy. my heart still only sees her and i think this pain will last more than i have expected it to.

i am also thinking about what i am going to cook today, as cooking distracts me from all these thoughts. too bad my appetite is really low.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I hate myself, I hate myself, u hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

I fucking hate myself so much that it hurts. I wish was dead. Why do I have to exist? I can't do anything right. The only thing I've ever accomplished in life was hurting those around and everyone feels the need to put up with my shit because they have these false impressions of me as being this good, kind, nice person just because I'm quiet and sometimes polite to those around me. Why such a horrible person? I deserve to die a horrible death.

I've already hurt so many people and now I'm pretty sure I just hurt my boyfriend's feelings again. Why do I keep on doing this to him? He deserves better than me. He's too good for me. I don't get why he puts up with my bullshit. I don't get why anyone puts up with my bullshit. I have done so many irredeemable things. I hate myself.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Nothing. And then guilt for that fact, for the fact that there's nothing going on under the surface. Just vast, vast nothingness. Unable to engage with complex thoughts or be interested in anything remotely intellectual, which is such a far cry from who I used to be. My head used to always be buzzing with some idea or another, always discussing or debating something or another. Now there's just nothing. And it makes me such a boring person, to the extent that it's noticeable by others. "You have nothing to say?" I was asked. No indeed, I no longer have anything to say.

 

[wCvML2]

I'm so so so stupid, I continue to make myself miserable with my stupid anxious mind. I hate interacting with people, and feel so much dread from potentially being an inconvenience. I have so many things piling up that I have been needing to get done for a very long time but I can't because they require interacting with a human or being perceived. I feel the walls of my comfort zone caving in on me.

 

[Nothing Left]

Tired of other people being able to act towards me however they want, or have irrational and over-the-top reactions to me doing something innocuous, but if I have justified outrage or indignance towards someone else's cruel comments or actions, then I am hand-waved and dismissed as crazy.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

only people I have conversations irl are my family at home
even with my psychologist I have therapy online
I just want to hug someone
I wish I could fall in love again but still I'm hurt, a little funny thing

 

[Mayfly]

I showed you my body and you didn't like what you saw; no one ever does

 

[Surai]

restless

 

[Life'sA6itch]

Life sucks. The day, never ending thought and whenever I try "thinking positively" or attempt to give humanity another chance, I have this reality (life sucks) beaten back into me. I need euthanasia like a suffering dog.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I finally mustered the courage to attempt to reach out to HR and discuss how much my SA is dragging me, which took a few months to even decide on. I asked my manager to speak to HR with "Serious Concerns" and turns out, HR wasn't here, nobody at all. So my manager probably picked up on my tone and asked if everything was alright which I said kinda and he ended up drawing the conclusion that I was lightheaded and almost got me IRL medical aid and told me to lay on the couch in the break room.

Later, half the department and another manager found out I wanted to talk to HR and pressured me into saying what was going on, so I made a quick lie and said this was all a massive misunderstanding and I was wondering about Paid Time Off and hour limitations (I can only have # paid hours and actually did hit the limit recently) so now they've contacted HR to schedule a meeting about my PTO instead of asking for free employee resources support for SA.

I guess I'm stuck with not saying it for a little while longer, I'm too embarrassed to switch topics and now have a meeting presumably tomorrow about something I didn't exactly need clarification on.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I currently feel very activated in the background because I'm making progress towards building my sn kit. I have my sources and I'm gathering funds to make my purchases. I've been thinking about it a lot, but haven't been able to talk about it with those around me. It feels kind of strange and nerve-wracking to have a secret like that - primarily from my long-term partner, who I typically share my thoughts with. Beyond that, I find myself wanting to chat with co-workers about it, but I know I can't. I want to talk about because it feels exciting and big.

I don't have any current plans to ctb, but I'm very excited to have a kit together. It feels empowering to work towards it.

 

[wCvML2]

Confused. I keep going back and forth between wanting to get worse and wanting to get better and it's draining.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Better. After a couple rough days it started raining, streets were empty and a bit under the weather, there's a shop nearby that tend to go, wasen't very hungry, but I picked some candyies and a easter egg.

It's still raining outside, I ate the candy and left the easter egg for latter to wait it's moment.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

We can't even masturbate quietly in this fucking shitty building

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I finally mustered the courage to attempt to reach out to HR and discuss how much my SA is dragging me, which took a few months to even decide on. I asked my manager to speak to HR with "Serious Concerns" and turns out, HR wasn't here, nobody at all. So my manager probably picked up on my tone and asked if everything was alright which I said kinda and he ended up drawing the conclusion that I was lightheaded and almost got me IRL medical aid and told me to lay on the couch in the break room.

Later, half the department and another manager found out I wanted to talk to HR and pressured me into saying what was going on, so I made a quick lie and said this was all a massive misunderstanding and I was wondering about Paid Time Off and hour limitations (I can only have # paid hours and actually did hit the limit recently) so now they've contacted HR to schedule a meeting about my PTO instead of asking for free employee resources support for SA.

I guess I'm stuck with not saying it for a little while longer, I'm too embarrassed to switch topics and now have a meeting presumably tomorrow about something I didn't exactly need clarification on.

That really sucks, they should not have repeatedly or expectantly asked what you needed to speak to a 3rd party about!

 

[consider]

i want to disappear and no one will remember me anything. i am so embrassemed my exsistence.

 

[HoleintheDark]

I somehow found my way back here again. I'm sick and tired of having to pretend for everyone that I'm all better now. It's been almost a year and I know they're all thinking in their heads that I should just get over myself and be normal already

 

[Blooper]

I'm sad.

 

[standingfast]

I will try to go tomorrow night.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Tired. Anxious. Considering self harm again. May just take a xanax instead. Can't decide whether I want to sleep or have tomorrow never come at all.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel stressed out right now. My bf keeps on getting mad at me whenever I tell him that we cannot video call or talk on the phone whenever I'm home. I keep on explaining to him that it's because if my mom finds out then we're screwed, but he doesn't seem to care. He keeps on accusing me of not loving him, talking about breaking up, and claiming that we aren't in a relationship then whenever I tell him this. Even HE has acknowledged the fact that she would be pissed if she found out about us dating (he is older than her). He doesn't listen to it. It's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I fucking hate it. It causes me to sometimes lash out and text him a lot of stuff about because of how much it impacts me emotionally and then I have to apologize afterwards for the outburst but I don't think he even cares. He'll praise me for doing whatever he says but then, when I tell him that we can't always do certain things, he gets upset at me and insists on us doing it anyway and completely ignores my concerns. Other times, he'll respect the fact that I cannot or do not want to do something for a bit and then go right back to insisting that I do it. He'll do all of this while also simultaneously claiming that I have something wrong in my head.


I'm not typing this out as some sort of slanderous vent post about my bf. He's a very sweet person who tries his best to uplift me and has shown a lot of genuine concern towards me before. I just feel frustrated and stressed out right now. Maybe I am in the wrong? Idk. I don't want to risk my mom finding out and getting upset and making me block him. I love him and I keep on trying to explain this to him but he never listens. He keeps on going on about how "I guess we're not going to be anything if you keep on worrying about other people finding out about us", treating it as though I'm embarrassed to be with him and ignoring the concerns I have over being made to cut him out of my life if anyone finds out about us.

Edut: I ended up video calling him just now. His mood seemed to improve and we had a nice chat (though I couldn't really on account of my mom being awake on the other room). I love him so much. He means so much to me.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I will try to go tomorrow night.

May you find peace

 

[Sunghoon]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I feel a lot of rage,guilty and sadness in me but I'm too tired to let them out and cry

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm not doing too badly, but I'm a little mad at myself. I've been more productive than usual, but it's not as good as it sounds. Improvement is good, but the amount of work I get done is still very, very far below par. It's not that it doesn't matter, but it hardly matters. I'm still working on the stuff I was supposed to have done two weeks ago. I can only hope I'll keep on getting faster, but that's not usually how it goes. Usually, I do better for a while, then burn myself out and go back to square one.

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

i feel terrible, horribly terrible being alive right now. i'm absolutely worthless, hopeless and lifeless. nobody i know wants me alive and they couldn't care less if i died. i can't live right and i can't die right. i simply have no choice left but to die and hope to be forgotten like a bad memory that one wishes never happened. i'm nothing like i used to be and that hurts more deeply whenever i see a glimpse of my old self in someone else. i struggle to speak, think, do the most basic things and hate myself even more for continuing to exist this way. i think too much, feel too much, see too much, hear too much, get too much and still don't seem to get anything at all. i hate everything, everybody, every moment of every day i live - and i hate myself for being this way.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Practiced partial hanging with no intentions to CTB just to calm myself and reassure that I can, indeed, go out whenever I want. I set it up so as soon as I knew I'd get it right, I'd back out.

I feel uncomfortably calm. That I can really go out one day. I don't think I've ever been this calm in quite a while. I'm tired, sure, but knowing I can just leave makes me happy. I have a choice.

Also, someone at work before clocking out asked me, "By the way are you here tomorrow?"

For half a second I swore a random coworker found my account, considering they all were caring about my health yesterday. Somehow didn't get dragged into a meeting today due to a miscommunication about my health and paid time off hours, which was my main anxiety, but I know I can tolerate it, and have options if I can't.

My mind is all over the place right now. But I know I'm alright, calm, and reassured.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Since I finally accepted my gay side ( bi in fact) I registered a profil on dating app ( grindr ) and the point is I feel more attractive than I am. I feel less alone but don't want to fuck with everyone
Actually have a crush but... May I assume it ? I don't know

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

I sometimes watch videos on youtube about catching predators on omegle, discord or other platforms to catch them irl. It's satisfying to me like listening to songs about torturing and killing them.
But I saw a title about catching a "family" member and I had a panic attack.
I haven't that bad panic for long time.
I WANT TO DIE SO MUCH AND SCREAM AND SMASH MY HEAD ON THE WALL LIKE A MELONS IN ANIME I HOPE HE IS IN HELL EVEN IF I WILL GO TO HELL LIKE IN THIS MANGA FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM
it was "how I catch my own grandpa..."
who knows my old posts then knows

 

[-Link-]

Holy fuck am I ever having a rough day today...