I honestly don't know how I'm feeling at the moment. Yesterday was a great day, and I was in a very good mood the entire time. My mom's friends drove me out to the countryside, and I got to learn more about the country's history. It was a very fun trip, and I found myself appreciating the beauty of this place. I even made some small improvements in my behaviour and outlook.
Right now, I am unable to pin down how I'm feeling. My parents want me to go into therapy (of course), which I'm not thrilled about. I, funnily enough, had suggested it during the day I came clean because my mom asked me what we should do to help me get better, and I didn't know how to answer, lol. Of course, she said that we would be doing that. Psychiatrists and therapists are such idiots that it's not even funny. Sometimes, the dumb shit that I see them say online is enough to make me fantasize about beating the shit out of them. Those entire occupations are made up of self-absorbed assholes and soon, I'll have to be dealing with two of them because the school program that I signed up for this is also run by a psychotherapist.
I've also still been struggling with my issues with wanting my pain validated. I know that my life isn't that bad, and I wouldn't describe anything I've gone through as traumatic. I have no trauma. I'm not mentally ill either, as I don't show symptoms of any mental illness. This sometimes makes me question why there always feels like there is something inherently wrong with me. There's something about me that I can not find an explanation for. When I get back, I'll probably do some more shrooms and self-reflect for a bit and see if that helps. I think that having that barrier between my conscious and subconscious minds broken down just enough to allow for those two parts of me to communicate with each other helps me better understand myself.
I still have those ugly feelings of wanting to be desired, wanting to harm myself, having my anger take over, and becoming worried over people losing interest in me (particularly my bf) pop up again and again. It's fine since I haven't been on this path for long, but it still bothers. You know, he doesn't text me nearly every morning anymore, though he's only been out of rehab for a bit. He still seems interested in me (he said that he couldn't wait for me to piss on him, lol), but I keep on getting scared that he is growing tired of me. I really love him, and this feeling of love I have for him is new to me. I've never been in love with someone romantically before, so that probably factors into my worries.
This type of fear I have of people losing interest in me and wanting to abandon me or only hanging out with me out of pity or because they don't feel like they can do better also translates into the struggles I have with platonic relationships. It's a pathetic fear that, at least partly, stems from something very dumb. I don't feel like getting into it since it's very embarrassing. I probably do need to start trying to make friends, but I have a feeling that it's probably going to take me a long time to do.
Anyway, I have to get ready soon because I'm going out to a soccer game this evening.
I hate when people say it will get better.
