Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dr Iron Arc]

Bleh. That's how I feel. My mom just dragged me to some weird nightly church service in hopes of "saving me". She isn't aware of my outright suicidality but she does seem to be picking up that I've been especially depressed and anxious lately. I'm sure she'd actually think it was quite silly if she knew I was feeling like this over some girl she might not even approve of and not what she thinks I'm suffering from. She's under the impression that I'm just feeling like this due to trauma alone. I literally don't give a fuck about the trauma from my dad and stuff right now. The only "trauma" that matters to me is just getting rejected by the women I've been attracted to and of course everyone should know that's not real trauma. Nobody should care if some loser incel male gets rejected by a woman. That's his God-given lot in life. It's only traumatic to me because I'm such a piece of shit for getting affected this much by rejection instead of learning to just fucking get over it like a real man should.

This pastor from Uganda was there at the church and I guess that's the main reason my mom wanted me there. All the people in there did was sing slightly off key and ignore me falling asleep. One thing that kind of disturbed me was the speaking in tongues they were doing. I don't know if my mom converted to a different sect of Christianity or something or maybe she's gone fully crazy but most of the people in that service were babbling utter gibberish that made me pretty uncomfortable the whole time. I don't remember this being a part of church service at all and I used to go a lot as a kid so what changed? Also I thought speaking in tongues is supposed to be a thing only demons do? At least that's what it seems to be in all the movies.

When the pastor actually went up to me, he put some oil on my head, made me repeat some stuff, and then claimed that the demons plaguing me had been cast out in fire. Simple stuff. Too bad I don't really feel all that much different. I suspect it might be because the only demonic forces lurking within me are just myself. I mean I'd love to cast out the evil parts of me but that would just be the same as killing me. I'm pretty sure God can see posts on online forums so if you're reading this bro, just know it was a nice try but you're gonna have to do better than that. You know what I'd need to actually not want to die so much and it's a girlfriend. Even if that's not the right answer you should already know that giving me one is the only way I'd even get closer to finding the real answer. I know why you don't give me one though, it's because nobody has committed enough sin to deserve the awful punishment of having to be in a relationship with me. I understand. Just let me die in peace bro. I already know your threats of hell and purgatory are already bluffs because if you're really as omnipotent and omniscient as you say then you'd know that the afterlife from the ending of The Good Place is already the perfect system which means I have nothing to worry about really.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Struggling. Most likely dissociation or something similar. Been going a few days. I kinda wanna purchase one of those skin brushes but I can't get myself to leave my own room.

I'll live tonight but if I'm living this way for too long I might actually consider it time for me to go. Of course, such an unrealistic thing for me to do. My mind isn't there, though I know it isn't. I'll be okay. I hope.

 

[damienlerone03]

smart, i actually understand my chem worksheets i received today and most people didn't, which is a rarity

 

[cgrtt.brns]

ive been trying to force myself to do things during the day instead of rotting in bed and i feel like shit. everything feels pointless. i dont know why im doing any of it. i want to die so whats the fucking point. everything feels too much. i just want to run away from life.

 

[CTB Dream]

This rly awfl all day pain brain no able do any

 

[HereTomorrow]

I spent all afternoon fighting and successfully warding off like 95% of my dissociation or something similar to it. 5000 IU of vitamin D, a ton of sugar, physical journaling, hours of rhythm games, pretending I'm super happy, cuddling with a scented plush, and a nice 2 hour walk in the outside world helped.

I don't want to jinx it however, it's not fully gone but tolerable. I don't know what I went through 100%, so I'll just call it dissociation due to the shared symptoms. Either way, it really threw me off balance especially paired with SA dreams.

I said in an earlier thread about how I would desire to be in an eternal state of confusion, but having faced one against my best wishes, I retract that. I think I just want a temporary euphoric like confusion, similar to what THC does. I half considered THC gummies to fight dissociation but I kept thinking "no HereTomorow, this is how addiction starts again".

I'm a mess you see...

 

[denjiwillsaveme]

Lost and angry. I hate being alive and I hate living it everyday. I don't care to understand my purpose and I have only one goal and it's to leave this world.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Bored. It's 2 am where I am right now and I'm trolling some dude on some other thread because I'm really bored right now. I'm not tired since I slept earlier yesterday so I'm just lying in bed with my eyes wide open.

Edit: Guess who got a warning, lol!

 

[moshimoshi]

I had a really good day but now I feel extremely sad. I know I talk about them a lot but I miss my best friend so so badly. It's so fucking painful. I saw so many things that reminded me of them today. I miss laughing with them so badly. I have never found someone who I've had such intense chemistry with. I hate this so so so so so much

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm bout to do it. Only about 15 minutes til I go into work. Let's hope I can make it happen. I forgot to bring any alcohol which might be for the better but it does mean I won't have it to boost my confidence enough. Who knows. Maybe I'll chicken out or maybe I'll do it half heartedly in an unsatisfying way. All I know is it has to end today.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm bout to do it. Only about 15 minutes til I go into work. Let's hope I can make it happen. I forgot to bring any alcohol which might be for the better but it does mean I won't have it to boost my confidence enough. Who knows. Maybe I'll chicken out or maybe I'll do it half heartedly in an unsatisfying way. All I know is it has to end today.

Haha oops. I should have brought the alcohol.

 

[Unhumanly.]

hi, I'm back again to this place, I can't count how many days or even months have I been away from this place.
But I just know that I went away not because things are getting better, but because I'm so lost, I'm so lost that I even lose sense of navigation of the very place that brings me comfort.
I can remember a comforting memory, but I can't recall how are they comforting to me, what does it stand for, why was it's significant to my life, everything is turning into blur, I'm like a blank state waiting to be evaporated away right now.

 

[Malaria]

I am honestly so hurt. I have been crying everyday. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm going through so much, and it's overwhelming. I just want to be okay. I want my loved ones to be okay. I want all this pain to stop.

 

[NullSz00]

I think I've finally touched rock bottom.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Very cuddly.

Turns out the media was right. Working a long day just to get home and jump into bed is an amazing feeling. I'm too exhausted to feel anything else. Just me, the bed, and the rose geranium scented stuff animal held in my arms with a lofi radio on. Can't take THC due to early workshift tomorrow but if I did then golly I'd be in heaven.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

In the void

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Fuck my life, it's Mother's Day. I normally don't drink much but I've been drinking all day yesterday and need to do the same today to be able to function.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I was going to walk down to the liquor store (10-15 minute walk) to buy another bottle of gin and I got dizzy then fell on the sidewalk after taking maybe like 10 steps out of my place. It was likely because of low electrolytes or low blood sugar, because I haven't been drinking water at all and haven't had any food. I was sustaining a level of drunkenness where I wasn't shitfaced but it was enough to keep flashbacks of being abused by my mom mostly at bay. So I doubt that me falling over had anything to do with being too drunk.

No real damage done other than a couple of minor scrapes. A lady with a young kid saw me and she helped me get up, then gave me some alcohol wipes and bandages. I was super embarrassed tbh. I hate it when people see me in this kind of state, and I hate taking time out of people's day like this, even if it was like a few minutes at most. I live near a park and seeing happy-looking kids walking with their moms makes me feel even worse so I'm going to hole myself up inside my place until the sun sets and there aren't nearly as many people walking around. Then maybe I'll go buy some more gin, if I still feel like drinking.

Right now I'll just eat a bit of food and take a few mg of Dilaudid for a nice little nod. I'm sober most of the time but I have a prescription from a recent surgery that I saved for when I want to take a little break from reality because I was able to manage my pain effectively with just Tylenol post-surgery. I've bought leftover pain meds off of friends who had surgery and didn't finish their prescription in the past as well. I only use drugs that I'm 100% sure came from a pharmacy.

 

[wheredidigo]

Overwhelming sadness and self pity

I was going to walk down to the liquor store (10-15 minute walk) to buy another bottle of gin and I got dizzy then fell on the sidewalk after taking maybe like 10 steps out of my place. It was likely because of low electrolytes or low blood sugar, because I haven't been drinking water at all and haven't had any food. I was sustaining a level of drunkenness where I wasn't shitfaced but it was enough to keep flashbacks of being abused by my mom mostly at bay. So I doubt that me falling over had anything to do with being too drunk.

No real damage done other than a couple of minor scrapes. A lady with a young kid saw me and she helped me get up, then gave me some alcohol wipes and bandages. I was super embarrassed tbh. I hate it when people see me in this kind of state, and I hate taking time out of people's day like this, even if it was like a few minutes at most. I live near a park and seeing happy-looking kids walking with their moms makes me feel even worse so I'm going to hole myself up inside my place until the sun sets and there aren't nearly as many people walking around. Then maybe I'll go buy some more gin, if I still feel like drinking.

Right now I'll just eat a bit of food and take a few mg of Dilaudid for a nice little nod. I'm sober most of the time but I have a prescription from a recent surgery that I saved for when I want to take a little break from reality because I was able to manage my pain effectively with just Tylenol post-surgery. I've bought leftover pain meds off of friends who had surgery and didn't finish their prescription in the past as well. I only use drugs that I'm 100% sure came from a pharmacy.

Sorry you had a fall, and glad that someone was there to help. Hope some food and the Tylenol helps a little x

 

[anonymous_guy]

Mildly bored

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Sorry you had a fall, and glad that someone was there to help. Hope some food and the Tylenol helps a little x

I think maybe I was unclear in what I said. I just took a bit of Dilaudid, not enough to knock me out but enough for me to stop hearing my mom's voice in my head. The Dilaudid is leftover from a surgery I had 2-3 weeks ago. It was prescribed to me but I was able to manage the post-surgical pain with just Tylenol, so I saved the Dilaudid for getting high instead.

I'm lucky that I didn't hurt myself badly when I fell. It definitely could have been a lot worse. The funny thing is, I didn't even realize that my knees were bleeding because there was not a single mark on my pants. The lady insisted on getting me to lift my pants up and check because it was kind of a sliding fall rather than the kind where you hit the ground straight on, if that makes sense. I don't understand how that could have happened though. Am I a ghost, is there a glitch in the matrix, or am I just really bad at physics? Lmao

 

[wheredidigo]

I think maybe I was unclear in what I said. I just took a bit of Dilaudid, not enough to knock me out but enough for me to stop hearing my mom's voice in my head. The Dilaudid is leftover from a surgery I had 2-3 weeks ago. It was prescribed to me but I was able to manage the post-surgical pain with just Tylenol, so I saved the Dilaudid for getting high instead.

I'm lucky that I didn't hurt myself badly when I fell. It definitely could have been a lot worse. The funny thing is, I didn't even realize that my knees were bleeding because there was not a single mark on my pants. The lady insisted on getting me to lift my pants up and check because it was kind of a sliding fall rather than the kind where you hit the ground straight on, if that makes sense. I don't understand how that could have happened though. Am I a ghost, is there a glitch in the matrix, or am I just really bad at physics? Lmao

Deffo lucky you didn't hurt yourself, especially not too long after surgery. Wow that lady was thorough and good thing your pants weren't ripped! yep a sliding fall is something I'm familiar with - I'm quite clumsy and have 'performed' such a thing when trying to save my glasses when when falling jogging. Hope the Dilaudid helps drown out the voice. But yeah there's many a glitch in this matrix of a world I'm currently waiting for a benzo to kick in to try to get some sleep and shut my brain off. Take care of yourself

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Deffo lucky you didn't hurt yourself, especially not too long after surgery. Wow that lady was thorough and good thing your pants weren't ripped! yep a sliding fall is something I'm familiar with - I'm quite clumsy and have 'performed' such a thing when trying to save my glasses when when falling jogging. Hope the Dilaudid helps drown out the voice. But yeah there's many a glitch in this matrix of a world I'm currently waiting for a benzo to kick in to try to get some sleep and shut my brain off. Take care of yourself

Lol I'm hella clumsy even though I'm fairly fit and I actually do a sport that requires really good body awareness (won't say exactly what sport it is, to minimize chances of people I know irl connecting the dots and realizing I'm on here). I used to rip my pants all the time, mostly from wear and tear because of day to day habits, but partly because I'm also clumsy af. I have a couple pairs of pants that are legit well-made nowadays though, and I'm realizing that in the long run it's actually cheaper to get a few pairs of durable pants than to constantly replace cheap pants.

I didn't manage to fall asleep and it's been 2 hours at this point so I'm probably going to stay awake. Currently playing super Mario on my Nintendo Switch while browsing SS between every few tries to beat a level, so I think I'm sufficiently mellowed out. Benzos are also great for a little break from reality but I prefer opioids because they're not directly toxic to the body and won't cause lasting effects as long as I don't overdose or develop dependence. Happy benzo dreams though

 

[fleetingnight]

Useless. I start to feel better when I get just a few things done correctly, but I'm not that good at anything, so I lose the streak pretty fast, then feel awful again. I can't do even the most basic tasks in the world. How many times do I have to fail before I realize that I'll never be able to succeed? I've wasted the day again, I didn't get anything done, just like I've wasted the rest of my life, just like I'll keep wasting whatever's left of it.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

My only friend in the world is heading over to my place with a bottle of liquor, to commiserate over the fact that it's mother's day today. I guess it's time to continue my bender.

 

[One day too late]

Nothing…

 

[moshimoshi]

Like feel kinda nauseous there was some pet hair in a piece of cake I was eating (⊙_⊙)

 

[damienlerone03]

I need to take a shit.. but my family is hogging all the bathrooms right now. Pray for me.

 

[HereTomorrow]

There's a train near my workplace that runs at full speed at a particular time. Studied it for at least half a year now.

Fought the urge to not run out and throw myself on the tracks today. No close calls, nothing dramatic, just fighting urges from an emotional overwhelm. But it hurt to not do it today.
I'm so numb it hurts.

I want to die but I want to live. I'm so lost and confused in my own mind but I can't tell anyone IRL in fear of ER visit or losing my good job reputation. I already got looked down upon for missing a Christmas week shift due to Covid-19.

I don't know. I just need someone to hug, be held, carass my hair and tell me it's all in the past and I can move on with my life. I'm tired of pretending this fictional anime woman is doing that it feels a bit pathetic of me. Anything to keep me somewhat alright I guess.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I puked after having a few more drinks, and right now I'm lying in bed after showering. I think this marks the end of my bender. My next bender is going to be over the weekend for Father's Day. I have leftover Dilaudid and I'll be sipping on gin and tonic to maintain just the right level of drunkenness until it's time for me to go be a full fledged adult with a job again.

I really don't do benders like this very often anymore. Only for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, and Valentine's Day.