Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Bowerbird]

Can't sleep. Its 3AM. my life is meaningless without her. Nobody understands. If I cant see her again soon I would rather not be here at all. She is my soul mate as long as she is not around I will never be whole.

Also an annoying thing about being trans masc is belonging nowhere. Queer spaces think I have "male passing/man privileges" but in cishet spaces i am just a "confused biological woman". Nobody cares about trans mascs or representing us or our experience unless its "eww man pregnant lol" for shock value, or *shudders* "boys dont cry"

I am literally a man trapped in a womans body but there's nothing I can do about it the T isnt working I still get misgendered and dont pass even though I dress like adam sandler and have short hair and my voice is even deeper now. Nope still just a confused little girl. Except to my loved ones who probably don't love me anymore bc I am unrecognisable. I fucked up and ruined my life for a chance to get better and sacrificed all I had and in return for what? It feels hopeless.

Sometimes im scared im gonna go insane and crash out and boom, another "ooo scary autistic trans person is bad person and does bad stuff!!!" case for people to fear monger about and use to shit on the autistic/trans community even more.

 

[NyxCascade]

Pain.
I just got a daith and nostril piercing.
Now I thought I had a high tolerance but, holy fuck that hurt like a bitch (the daith).
I nearly fainted I cant lie, it was bleeding pretty bad but, it looks fucking amazing.
Im so so so happy with it.

 

[Dejected 55]

I get up each morning, use the bathroom, wander around the house for a bit, then eat something and watch TV. I watch more TV, wander around the house some more, eventually have a snack... some days I have a brief nap in the afternoon. Then I'll have dinner and watch more TV. Soon it is time for bed and the whole routine repeats.

Some days I have to get groceries. Some days I need to do laundry. At some point today I will run the dishwasher. But for the most part the routine is pretty consistent.

IF I won the lottery, I would no longer have the stress of financial burdens on my mind... but everything else about my daily routines would remain exactly the same. I might be able to buy more movies or subscribe to more services... but the routine wouldn't change. The misery and malaise wouldn't change.

That is my "life" until I find the courage to not be here anymore.

 

[darksouls]

still trapped in hell of pains, isolation and solitude

 

[Grog]

I've never thought myself to be an autistic person, but I'm now starting to wonder if I am.

I feel like I am very emotionally intelligent, and I think I am really good at reading a person's face or tone of voice and am able to tell how they're feeling. But then, people say I misinterpret their emotions; they say it often… what if I am really bad at socializing, picking up on changes in tone, cues and body language, and I just don't realize it?

And then I suppose I over-apologize sometimes. I think that annoys people. I apologize for apologizing too much. I just don't know how else to convey remorse… I can take action to change certain mannerisms and behaviors, but then people say it's not a big deal when I do apologize — but sound exasperated or annoyed; but maybe I'm misinterpreting that too… I don't know.

I take a lot of pride in my self-perceived emotional intelligence and perceptiveness, but maybe I don't really have those attributes. It makes me upset to think about it. I don't want to be a burden to others; I don't want to be bothersome. I don't want to be someone that people just tolerate; I want the people that I care about to want to be around me. I feel ashamed for being so… socially stunted, I guess?

But maybe I'm not, and maybe I'm just neurotic and overthinking again…Maybe my social skills and perceptiveness are good, and I'm just stuck in a negative headspace… I don't know.

I just want the people that I like to like me; and I never want to do anything to bother, annoy, or hurt them…

 

[darksouls]

I am a prisoner in the loop of eternal suffer

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I've never thought myself to be an autistic person, but I'm now starting to wonder if I am.

I feel like I am very emotionally intelligent, and I think I am really good at reading a person's face or tone of voice and am able to tell how they're feeling. But then, people say I misinterpret their emotions; they say it often… what if I am really bad at socializing, picking up on changes in tone, cues and body language, and I just don't realize it?

And then I suppose I over-apologize sometimes. I think that annoys people. I apologize for apologizing too much. I just don't know how else to convey remorse… I can take action to change certain mannerisms and behaviors, but then people say it's not a big deal when I do apologize — but sound exasperated or annoyed; but maybe I'm misinterpreting that too… I don't know.

I take a lot of pride in my self-perceived emotional intelligence and perceptiveness, but maybe I don't really have those attributes. It makes me upset to think about it. I don't want to be a burden to others; I don't want to be bothersome. I don't want to be someone that people just tolerate; I want the people that I care about to want to be around me. I feel ashamed for being so… socially stunted, I guess?

But maybe I'm not, and maybe I'm just neurotic and overthinking again…Maybe my social skills and perceptiveness are good, and I'm just stuck in a negative headspace… I don't know.

I just want the people that I like to like me; and I never want to do anything to bother, annoy, or hurt them…

Relate a lot. It has been in the back of my mind ever since I joined Sasu wondering if I am slightly autistic. I feel like I'm missing a lot of traits , but then some like not being able to do an easy everyday task and keeping to myself and hating the sensation when water gets in my eyes even in the shower - and I love taking showers.Or am I just a loner at heart Who is dumb?

I also have actual diagnosed severe OCD. I feel like some of those symptoms can overlap. I don't know why I bother wondering about it. I'm 45 and at this point it's not like I'm ever going to bother getting tested.

 

[Dejected 55]

I am numb, I feel nothing today. The world is dark and ominous and offers nothing but hurt... and I sit behind my eyes, looking out the caves in my head and the world is so far away. I am alone and numb and I want it to all go away.

 

[BlendedHeart]

Yesterday had one of those nights, where I couldn't sleep, invaded by depressive thoughts. I wished I was dead until I tired myself.

 

[Dejected 55]

I feel like I no longer want to describe how I feel to anyone. What is the point?

 

[darksouls]

people in real life are hell for me

 

[Grog]

I stayed up too late and now the sun came out; so now, it's super hard for me to fall asleep~

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Well, my counselling appointment was good and I thought that I would be feeling fine for the rest of the day, now I feel like crap because of the whole fiasco with my mom and doctor. I don't want to get into it, but now I feel awful. I went to the washroom to cut and after I finished, on impulse, I grabbed the rope out of my bag, tightened the loop around my neck, and was about to hang myself. I ended up crying like a stupid little bitch and had to try to calm myself down. I didn't end up attempting since I was able to calm myself down enough (I've already mentioned before that I cannot ctb at the moment due to a lot of stuff going on with my family). Now I feel like crap.


Edit: These two bitches decided to comment on how fast I was eating and started to taunt me by asking if what I was eating was good. I ended up cutting again and induced vomiting. I hope those two girls get hit by a truck and suffer from lifelong crippling health issues as a result. I was already feeling like crap today and they made it even worse, for no reason other than wanting to make fun of me for their enjoyment I guess.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

I feel like my end is coming. I don't know how I'll CTB, but I can keenly feel it's oncoming arrival. Not only am I a failure of a person, but my mother is affirming my belief that simply living is shitty. Why should I live if it's so terrible?

I can't get my hands on SN. I'm afraid I'm gonna go for more dangerous methods, but I want to CTB to get out of here before things get any worse

I don't know where to hang myself. I live in a city with family, so it's not like there's an abundance of places to CTB. And I'm afraid I'll fuck up and end up a vegetable

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

Occasionally I get these sudden flashbacks to my youth. They're not so much recollections of specific events, but rather memories of how it felt to be young. They're so bittersweet I often feel like I can't breathe for a second or two when they arrive. I try to stay with those feelings, but they're gone almost as soon as they arrive. I feel like crying when they're over, but I never am able to bring myself to cry. I try to think of the people and places of my youth to try to bring that feeling back, but it doesn't really work. Those people are gone from my life and while some of those places might still exist I don't belong in them anymore, and haven't for a long time.

All I seem to have left in my life are daydreams of a life that could have been and this bittersweet nostalgia that sometimes comes over me. I'm ready to be done with this existence, more than ever, but I know I don't have the guts to end things.

 

[SilentSadness]

Interacting with others just makes me so depressed, I don't want to know what others think, I don't want to please or talk to others, I don't want to be with people who don't understand me. I will never be free

 

[Cavalcade]

That insane person who harboured a parasocial hatred for me for years (news to me at the time, it was an explosive situation when it came out) is still openly talking shit about me to my former associates, as I found out. I literally cut ties and dropped any presence in those spheres over a year and a half ago. This is fucking crazy to find out.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Today, I shouldn't be plagued with the desire to die, yet it's still there. It's not as strong as it had been in the past, but it still lingers like a shadow. Today is supposed to be a happy day, but I feel melancholy as well...

 

[Dejected 55]

Headache... and that's my routine most days. just trying to be as miserable as I can for the home stretch I guess. I also have a poison ivy or something similar on my legs and a few random places for several weeks now that just doesn't seem to go away. Got it doing yard work weeks ago and haven't been outside since because I'm waiting to be healed. I do not like having all kinds of other problems on top of being miserable.

 

[Grog]

I feel really tired... I feel great fatigue... My limbs feel heavy and I feel like I barely have energy... Today feels somber, too...

 

[wham311]

All I need is a fucking mailbox.

 

[Dejected 55]

I have been having an odd serene feeling today. I think accepting I want to be gone is sinking in now. Everything wrong is still wrong, all the pain is still there, but I feel calm knowing that I am just waiting a short wait for the end now. I have a plan that I feel reasonably confident about, and a general timeframe. So I think that is sinking in and making me feel less on edge about all the other horrible going on, because I know it is just a matter of time before everything will fall away.

 

[SilentSadness]

I feel totally abysmal. Words cannot describe the hell that I'm in. I am helpless, powerless, defeated, unable to do anything, just a puppet other people can use. Most people would be very happy to see me dead, and so would I, since I was never meant for this cruel world. I hate everything, my pain is infinite and indescribable.

 

[sy46]

useless, idiot, anxious and socially withdrawn

 

[Eliska]

I feel like I am alone in a sea of other people behind an invisible wall.

 

[developic]

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I deeply hate the fact that I haven't killed myself yet due to lack of guts. I keep on enduring my shitty life because of it, and I don't know if I have months or years ahead of the same crap.
Every bad moment that I have to experience is due to my own cowardice, nothing else.

 

[darksouls]

still feeling sad and lonely

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

Sad.

 

[I_cant_]

Regret ,stupid and self hatred