Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

 

[bieatmania]

I'm such a great man for refusing to understand other culture's norm and aggressively attacking them in way it directly affects their state of existence(physical attack and economic manipulation).

 

[dopamineaddict]

I feel very anxious and guilty. I'm scared of the future but I don't want to change. I feel the need to escape from my thoughts but also the need to talk to someone just to feel better.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Today I feel a mix of calm, acceptance that my day will come soon, but still an overwhelming sadness and emptiness. I have never been this low before. I have lost control of my personal hygiene, I do not care about work or my academic career. I'm just existing until my chosen CTB date arrives.

 

[08ALW]

Desperate to find a way

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You know, sometimes whenever I come across any stressors, even minor ones, I can't help but think that I wouldn't have to deal with this shit if I was never born. I hate the fact that I exist. Being forced into dealing with all of these meaningless obstacles, one after the other, is annoying. Some people like to try and claim that you have to go through obstacles in life for a reason. They act as though learning to overcome them will lead to some sort of reward in the end but it doesn't. All of this is for nothing.

I often think about just dropping out of uni but what would I do if I did that? At the same time, I haven't applied for a major yet, I'm already behind my peers from the same year as me because I can't take any courses for my year level due to not being able to get into the course needed to do that, I also need to complete a lot more courses in order to graduate but I'm afraid that by upping my course load I might risk stressing myself out again and going back to where I was before, and so on.

I understand that none of this is that big of a deal. This is all pretty minor stuff, especially compared to a lot of the shit posted on here, but I'm tired. Worrying about all of this pointless shit is just so annoying. I love my parents a lot but I also resent them for giving birth to me. I don't like being alive and I've wanted to die since childhood. I don't like existing and having to deal with all this pointless crap.

 

[Done_with_the_world]

Inconsolableness and worthlessness, also hatred for the world in general for me having to exist in it. And for my selfish birth mom and dad fooling around and making an accident that was never needed or wanted originally by them. Or for them never telling me how nuts they actually were with their mental disorders. For having a horrible mind that sabotages ever good thing I do. If I don't actively hurt and sabotage myself, my unconscious will do it. Which totally makes what I was working towards useless.

I'm sick of everything, the past, trying to plan for a future I thought I would never have, and putting up with cheerful people all around me. I hate pretending to be happy, and then if I just want to be alone and not talk, people will ask what's wrong. I can't explain that to them. It would just drag them down. I only end up making everyone around me more miserable, so what even is the point?

 

[zappynomore]

numb, just want a way out.

 

[CTB Dream]

this rly pain ya me no psbl any no resn sty this lif me vege potat

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Now I feel even worse than earlier today since my birthday is coming up soon. I don't want to turn 22. Getting older is something that scares me. Ideally, I'd like to die before the age of 25, if not then at least before the age of 30.

 

[Liammm]

Fucking unbridled fury. It doesn't matter what god DAMNED words I say, how mature, how carefully i pick my words my wife fucking emotionally abuses me for it. I set one tiny boundary, I didn't want to talk about the nature of a support group I was gonna go to and now she has been fucking crying and wailing for 3 god DAMNED hours. Holy fucking shit. I must be a fucking psychopath right?? Did I do something that bad? I literally verbatim said "I purposely was vague about the group, because I'd like to keep it to myself." That was it-- is that that fucking shitty and terrible to say? I didn't yell, I didn't do anything but answer her question on why I was vague about it.



She got even more upset when I said we shouldn't have a deep conversation about it at fucking MIDNIGHT, and neither of us are in an emotionally good state and she had the fucking audacity to say "you always do this." WHAT THE FUCK??? MY BAD, LETS FUCKING TALK AT 12 AM WHILE EMOTIONALLY DRAINED AND SEE HOW WELL THAT ENDS UP? I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 6!!! AND I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE SHE IS STILL CRYING!!!

I understand she can't control what she feels. But this is exhausting-- no, fucking exhausting after years and no change.

I would love for her to read through my phone again and find this post, cause that will literally be the end of our marriage if this isn't already. I can't take this-- I love her to death, God knows, but I can't take this.

So yeah. I'm angry.

 

[DeathSleep]

I feel like I want to self harm. I feel trapped. I feel lonely.

 

[darlingdopamine]

Hopeless. But also knowledge I'll feel slightly better, for a time, but never happy, never joy, never good. Just less bad. Able to do the bear minimum without constant agony. And then no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'll always be right back here. Year after year after year. Hopeless.

 

[notfor]

I feel detached from the world. I dont miss people that much, in specific terms (like old friends). But i do miss "people", in general(keep a regular contact or having friendships).The loneliness is taking over.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I feel more indecisive than usual. And like my brain is just trying to block out any significant thoughts. I have OCD therapy later and I'm really not in a talking mood.

 

[Lullaby]

Ugh, guysss…

My mom is having knee replacement surgery tomorrow and asked for one of my bags to use for her stuff since she's staying overnight; I ended up giving her my backpack that I don't really use anymore, and completely fucking forgot that I had a really personal diary in there.

I use a new one, but that journal has so much of my venting, frustrations, suicidal thoughts, etc…

She gave it to me before I realized, but my stomach dropped completely. Even though she didn't mention anything and I'm kinda freaking out over no proof, she's definitely the type of person who would've peaked inside.

I actually had a good morning after my ECT session and felt pretty good, but it quickly tanked due to a bunch of stuff piling on top of me; people being assholes, disappointing news, and now this.

 

[angelz08]

heavy

 

[CTB Dream]

no psbl doany no resn sty this lif rly awfl this loseall

 

[Prism]

So nice to see people here of all places say things that make you feel even worse about yourself

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I love you. I still do. But this is too much. The uncertainty, knowing you're now drinking heavily and training MMA with that soldier boy asshole, that life keeps rewarding you when you mistreated me and that you know you can reach out anytime but decide not to. Because you know I really loved you and it's so painful to be healing on a subconscious and basic level when I haven't healed and I haven't moved on and I have no reason to.

Each day I feel that suicide is the answer, that I don't want to go through life carrying these scars and that I don't want to put in more work after all this heartbreak. I don't, and I'm sorry for my mother and my friends and the people who do love me because I don't want them to feel they weren't enough: they're just not the right fit for the hole I've had in my soul for years. You were, Natalia, you were my Michi. Violeta was too. And now both of you destroyed me, you destroyed that happy and goofy boy that always got back on this feet because he loved people, he loved cars, and he loved life. Now I just want to be in peace, I want to finally have the dignity the world denied me and that I wasn't strong enough to reclaim for myself because I was never taught I should fight for something as basic as decency or empathy.

In a few months time someone other than me will probably access this account and look at my post history. You're probably someone close to me, I love you, and I love my mother, please tell her that. But also tell my Michi I loved her to the very end and that, even though my death will largely be a consequence of her actions because she knew full well how much hurt I was carrying before I met her, tell her please that I'll give her another chance if we meet in a world beyond Earth. I still dream of living a San Junipero ending and she'd be perfect to sit in the passenger seat of a Miata alongside me for a drive along Amalfi's coast...

 

[Forveleth]

Cheese. That's it. Just cheese.

 

[moonflow3r]

anxious hopeful hopeless
fuck meds

 

[Anne Alias]

I'm sitting in a dark room, alone, with all my friends in the world. Ain't it great? All just, sort of.. this is all there is.
Damn, bummer.

 

[Forveleth]

Today is a very angry day for me. The back of my brain is pissed off and it is leaking up to the front. I am not even... consciously? angry at anything. I have had a good weekend so far. I should be relaxed and happy. I hate my brain.

 

[mikgazer6]

Slightly impatient. I am waiting for the result of something that will greatly the affect a personally significant decision I am waiting to make.

 

[DeathSleep]

I'm worried about the outcome of something important. I've been waiting for an answer for so long now.

If the outcome of what I've been waiting for is bad then I don't think I'll stick around much longer. I feel like I'm barely hanging on anyways. At this point even a small thing could make me feel like today is the day.

It makes me feel motivated to finish up my notes and organize my place.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

My dear michi, I can't believe life had to be this way, that all our love became this. Today I wrote my last will and testament, during this week I'll source the remaining drugs and make plans to end it all. I'm scared, I don't want to do this, but you left me no other way after you crushed my last hope: you knew I met you at a critical point in my life, you knew exactly how to destroy me and, I hope unintentionally, you did it. My heart is in a million pieces and even though my head sometimes feels I can move on, my soul just can't.

For fuck's sake, I'm even being ignored by people on a suicide forum when I ask for help regarding the pills I need, I'm sorry to be so passive-agressive guys, how could I hope my ex to give a shit? Specially when she's happy, making future plans with a brute, being rewarded by life after destroying mine. Karma doesn't exist. Justice doesn't either. All I've got is whatever dignity I have left to leave life on my terms.

Please, can anybody tell me the practical differences between benzodiazepam and zopiclone? About a chlorquine protocol? Hello? Are you there? Please, I hope my mother doesn't complicate things further by telling people or having me locked up. I told her just to be honest and so it wouldn't come off as a surprise. I still don't know the where and when, but I'd rather do it by the end of the month/beginning of the next one.

I'm scared. I'm defeated. I'm sad. I miss you, michi, I would give anything to turn back time so we could cook together again, cuddle watching Gossip Girl and make sweet love. I wish we could drive to the track again, I wish you could see me working as a professional interpreter, I wish you didn't end things before I got that job because I could've promised you a better future than that asshole you replaced me with.

I'm sorry everyone. Thank you all for everything. Love cars, love people, love life.

 

[CTB Dream]

no psbl doany this trap lif, no psbl any this unvris this wrld this bio all trap

 

[Salvation_]

Honestly, it's been a while since I've wanted to crash out this hard. I really miss my SN. I want to take a bus to somewhere I can't be found, go missing, and stop existing altogether. I have my own money to order SN but I'll probably wait until another source pops up other than DMC (sharing an address, package won't be discreet I'm assuming).

I'd been doing well since last June, but I'm really tired of being other people's punching bag. And my mental illness never really went away, I'm just really good at distracting myself from it. But I'm fucking tired. I don't want to live with myself for the rest of my life. There are days where I really, really miss my SN, and this is one of those days.

 

[Izzythebelle]

Dear Bestie,

I don't know how to tell you that I'm on this website without immediately worrying you. I'm scared you know me too well and you'll find me here and pull me aside and try to make me talk about it, but how do I say "I don't want to live for you anymore" and not hurt you?

I've been alive for so much longer than I wanted to be because I can't let you go. I can't bear the thought of you living and I can't be around to protect you. You saved my life when we were 7 and we have kept saving our lives over and over and over and I don't know how to beg you to stop because I'm tired, ######. I'm so. Tired. I love you so fucking much but I'm tired.

I don't want to live anymore and yet I'm here making a post to a website I pray you never find because despite how much I hate you for giving me a reason to live I'd still rather fucking try than give up.

bestie please, I'm so tired. Let me rest. Please. God please kill yourself so I can rest. I'm so sorry I even thought that. I can't lose you.